THE EMACIATION PROCLAMATION TEXT

Since some of you have asked for a non-JPEG form of my historial Emaciation Proclamation, here it is in it's entirety. It took more about three months to write this.

The Emaciation Proclamation
By
Lindsay Lohan

Whereas, on the twentieth day of May, in the year of our Lord two thousand and five, a proclamation was issued by the Queen of Anorexics, Lindsay Lohan, containing, among other things, the following, to wit:

“My friends, as you all know I have been going through some physical changes to make myself more beautiful, just like one of my drug dealers, Nicole Ritchie. For the last few months I have barely eaten a thing, save the occasional Starbucks Venti Soy Latte or the mini-throw ups that I swallow as I am trying to make myself puke into the toilet. Just like my singing or acting, sticking your finger down your throat is an art.

It’s not that hard to loose weight. I should know. At 5’5” and 130lbs I was a major fat ass. But not anymore. For the last several weeks I have kept my weight just below a hundred pounds, and besides my yellow skin, fried hair and decaying teeth, I feel damn good. No, I feel GREAT.

After I saw how good the first cut was of my new movie Herbie: Fully Loaded, I quickly realized that I have an important role to fill in this society. Girls look up to me.

I, Lindsay Lohan, am a role model for fat chicks.

I feel 100% comfortable with this responsibility. I accept it with open arms and a fist full of laxatives.

So with the greatest sense of purpose and resolve, I have written what I call The Emaciation Proclamation – and edict of sorts that fat girls around the world should recite if they want to look as skinny and beautiful as me. It states as follows:

I, (insert name), proclaim that I am a fat ass and will do anything in my power to some day look as emaciated as Lindsay Lohan.

I will not eat unless I am staring Death in the face.

I will snort anything that I can cut with a credit card.

I will sacrifice my big breasts for the greater good of a small waistline.

I will workout and then I will WORKOUT, MOTHERF**KER!

The calories in my sex partners’ “Protein Shakes” are not to be counted.

Now, therefore I, Lindsay Lohan, Queen of Anorexics, by virtue of the power in me vested by the great country of Hollywood, proclaim that I will do anything – ANYTHING, BITCHES! --- to make sure that all the fat American girls take one look at me and say to themselves:

“I want to be an Anorexic, too!”

Love & Laxatives,

L. LO