John Mayer's Soul

John's Legendary Battle With Depression Is Over

2007-07-09T15:25:00.000-07:00

You wouldn't have to be a genius to know that I've been down in the dumps for the past few weeks. I'd like to let you know that I'm making a recovery. You see, I've found love again.

Sometimes we humans get caught up in pettiness, jealousy, and loneliness. As an artist, I experience these emotions a thousand times greater than non-artists or "norms." Anyway, when I lost the old ball and chain (I was thinking of making the joke "old boobs and chain," but I thought better of it -- and who says this blog isn't sensitive?), that dumb bimbo took a piece of my heart. It's sad, but true. That was hard to get over, and it sent me into a downward spiral.

Ben, I know now that you read this blog, so let me just say that I really admire you and always have. "Brick" is an awesome song, as is your entire post-"Brick" work. It was the depression talking. I think you understand. Otherwise, it's gonna be a long rest-of-the-tour. Right, buddy? Right?

Anyway, time to put the past behind us. As I said up top, I'm making a recovery. There's a new girl in my life! She's hot, sexy, and wears nothing but leaves. No, it's not the girl from American Beauty. I'm talking about Mother Earth! Get ready to hear a lot more about our sexual exploits in the tabloids. We rekindled our love affair at a little event called, oh I don't know -- Live Earth! And I promise you all that I'll be gentle with her (though legally, I'm not promising anything).

...Thora Birch! That's the girl from American Beauty. I wonder what she's up to.

Chicago Sucks

2007-06-28T15:27:00.000-07:00

Doing a show in Chi-Town tonight. I prefer thin crust pizza. I hate improv comedy - stand-up is much better, and less annoying. Wind sucks. Bears suck. The Bulls were awesome in the 90's. TOO awesome. That's why I hate them too. I hate Chicago. I hate the band Chicago. I hope it catches on fire and burns to the ground.

Ugh. What am I doing?

I should cancel this tour.

I'm sick of people writing about how boring my set is, and how they like Ben better. If you love Ben so much, go to his tour! Buy his albums! God knows, no one else does.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Not my usual self. I feel like I'm missing something.

Gonna nap. See you in Chicago. Feel better, Jesse. Remember those steps.

New Poll

2007-06-22T15:28:00.000-07:00

Thanks for voting in the old poll. Here are the results.

Which John Mayer do you prefer?

The Man - 52%
The Myth - 2%
The Legend - 36%
Other - 9%

Yeah, John Mayer "The Man" is a cool guy. Also a lot of love for "The Legend" - they kind of go hand in hand. Maybe I'm not the stuff of "Myth" quite yet, but that's okay, as long as I'm a living legend. We can assume "Other" means either "I can't decide which aspect of your greatness is the best," or "the whole 3-part package is great - don't force me to choose."

Anyway, new poll is up in the sidebar. If you're in Texas... see me in Texas... *sigh*

I'm Not Even Sure Where I Am Right Now

2007-06-20T15:29:00.000-07:00

I think I'm in Missouri. I'm pretty sure I overheard someone say that. Is Missouri the place with the crawfish? I wanna eat me some fish right now, and that's not a dirty joke, in case that's what you're thinking. Pretty sick of you to be thinking that.

The tour has been exhausting, and it didn't help to have a certain pop singer, who shall remain nameless, call me constantly on my cell phone every two minutes. When I finally had her number blocked, I think she got the hint. We had a good time, but now it's time to move on. I hear she's getting back together with that douche from the reality show, and I have to move on to... where the hell am I going next? I think it's Texas, where I'm sure it won't be 80 billion degrees.

I'm in a really bad mood. Ben's a cool guy, but his laugh is getting on my nerves. The tour is doing well, but it isn't creating a national John Mayer fever, like I was hoping it would. Some idiot in Des Moine (Kansas?) said my set was "predictable." What does he know? I'm sure I can "predict" his whole life -- it probably sucks.

Sometimes, even a legend doesn't feel like one.

How Old Is The Girl From Heroes?

2007-06-11T15:29:00.000-07:00

The cheerleader. She told me last night that she's 18. That's true, right?

Luck Be A Lady (Who Meets John Mayer) Tonight!

2007-06-08T15:30:00.000-07:00

Looking forward to playing Vegas tonight, where things STAY in Vegas. I've got plans that are gonna need to be buried, if you catch my drift. Plans like:

* Sleeping with fans.
* Gambling.
* Smoking weed.
* That's pretty much it, but isn't that enough?

After this recent break-up with Jessica, which is final, I can assure you*, I'm ready to party again! Really party! Then I've got to go back to California. ~SIGH~ Touring's a bitch.

I just played two shows in California -- if you were there, you were probably screaming for me. God knows everyone always does. Still, one reviewer panned my show, saying I don't have a sense of humor. What? Hello? Does "stand-up comedian John Mayer" ring a bell? I'd like to see Ben Folds get up on stage at a comedy club. I mean, I love the little guy, but he'd poo his pants. Reviewers - what do they know? Not much, apparently.

From the road,

JM

*Note: I cannot assure you that this will be the case.

Thanks For Voting!

2007-06-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

I plan on writing a tour diary very soon. This is just a quick thank you to everyone who voted in the last poll. Here are the results:

"How excited are you about my summer tour?"

Extremely Excited - 31%
Overly Excited - 10%
Insanely Excited - 19%
Other - 40%

The majority of you - 60% - are in some way excited about my new tour. The "Others" out there (40%) are more elated than excited. They've already seen me in concert before, and while they don't have that initial giddy thrill that comes from seeing me on stage for the first time, they are relieved to finally be back under my spell. For them, it's like scratching an itch.

Anyway, please vote in the next poll, and talk to you soon... from the road!

Why Stand-Up Comedy Needs John Mayer

2007-05-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

I've got some advice to future comics out there: stay out of my way. You know how Oprah isn't satisfied until she's taken over TV, books, and Broadway? Well, I'm not satisfied until I take over music, saving the environment, and stand-up comedy! I guess I'm an ambitious, fast-moving guy, and if you can't keep up, you're gonna get left behind on The Mayer Express.

In case you missed it, here's a recent clip of me doing stand-up:

So, why stand-up? Because every working stand-up today is terrible. Dane Cook, Jeff Foxworthy, Larry The Cable Guy, Dave Chappelle, Patton Oswalt, David Cross, Lewis Black and all the Kings, Queens, and Arch Bishops of Comedy are terrible. Bad. Atrocious. Unfunny. God awful. Sickening. Okay, you get the idea.

But just in case you don't: Louis CK, Demetri Martin, Eddie Izzard, Zach Galifianakis, Mitch Hedberg, Robin Williams, Jamie Kennedy, Jim Gaffigan, Jerry Seinfeld, Gilbert Gottfried, Dom Irrera and Don Rickles all make me want to vomit. And don't even get me started on women stand-ups. Is there a funny one? No, there isn't.

Frankly, I'm volunteering. I don't even really want to do stand-up. I don't like it that much, but someone ought to step up and bring the funny. And if these so-called "comics" can't do it, I guess a blues musician will have to.

To put it another way, stand-up comedy needs me a lot more than I need it!

Change The World Today

2007-05-23T15:33:00.000-07:00

I'm putting daily tips on this blog for how you can lead a better life. They're in the sidebar.

You're welcome.

I'm a Jungle Cat!

2007-05-22T15:34:00.000-07:00

Ignore that press release about breaking up with Jess... for now.

That's the thing about me. I'm like a jungle cat. One minute I'm quietly stalking you in the jungle, the next minute I'm jumping on top of you, claws ripping you apart, eating your entrails, and the following minute I'm back in the jungle, licking my paws. You can't predict me. No "press release" or "written statement" or "thing I said" will stick when it comes to me. The truth isn't some piece of paper you sign and date -- it's a Transformer, changing from a truck to a robot to god only knows what.

I'm a wild man. Rrrowwrrr... and Jess was amazing last night.

Too much information? Well, hold on folks, because you never know how much information you're gonna get with me! Never!

(Me.)

Press Release

2007-05-18T15:36:00.000-07:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

CONTACT:
John Mayer
johnmayerblues@gmail.com
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/blog/johnmayer/blogger.html

LEGENDARY MUSICIAN JOHN MAYER ENDS OKAY RELATIONSHIP WITH WELL- ENDOWED POP SINGER JESSICA SIMPSON

Wishes To Remain “Friends,” Open To Future Sexual Encounters.

New York, NY, May 18th, 2007 - Blues singer and global warming activist John Mayer has decided to put an end to his once sexually exciting, but ultimately boring and frustrating relationship with pop tart Jessica Simpson.

The newly single Mayer, a multiple Grammy Award winner with a mind-blowing summer tour beginning on June 1st, decided enough was enough. “We tried to work things out, but ultimately our priorities in life are very different,” says Mayer. “I want to bring truth to the world with music and stop the ice caps from melting, whereas Jess is more interested with the exposure and maintenance of her breasts.”

“However, I would still be open to the possibility of future one night stands and sexual encounters,” adds Mayer. “In a few months from now, that could work out.”

John wishes Jessica well, and hopes she'll stop crying soon. Mayer will be seeing other people: highly desirable, sexually attractive women who are not looking for a relationship right now (and as usual, lucky concert-goers). There will always be a place in John’s heart for Jessica, her family, and Jessica’s paparazzi followers, which gave him free publicity for his upcoming tour.

“Ladies, look out,” says Mayer, seductively. “Cause blues artists / environmental crusaders do it better.”

###

JOHN MAYER is a handsome, talented, highly successful artist, activist, and thinker. Though legendary for his blues music, John is also gifted at stand-up comedy, blogging and birdhouse creation. He is most comfortable dating women ages 19-28.

My 'Mayer'-Bag (aka My Mailbag)

2007-05-11T15:31:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd share with you a lovely email I received from a devoted fan. I love these emails, though the sentiment here is one I get a lot in my "Mayer-Bag" (Mailbag). This one's from Michele:

"Love your music. The lyrics are so deep and very poetic. I have been a fan since Room for Squares and have attended all of your Houston shows. Please though for the love of God find a more suitable girlfriend. She is not at all worthy of you and your talent. Just a thought. :-) I am sure it is mostly all about the sex."

Thank you for your concern, Michele. My relationship with Jessica is about more than sex, though the sex is great -- I mean, really great -- and is one of the most important parts of our relationship. She is a suitable girlfriend for me, and even though we're considered to be on very different spectrums of the music world (pop singer vs. legendary blues guitarist), and even though it's hard to communicate with her when our needs and desires are so different (outside appearance vs. crusading for truth / fighting global warming), we always have one thing in common: great sex. That always brings us together, if you know what I mean.

Thank you for writing, Michele. Feel free to send more email to my Mayer-Bag (Mailbag): johnmayerblues @ gmail.