John Mayer's Soul

John's Legendary Battle With Depression Is Over

2007-07-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

You wouldn't have to be a genius to know that I've been down in the dumps for the past few weeks. I'd like to let you know that I'm making a recovery. You see, I've found love again.

Sometimes we humans get caught up in pettiness, jealousy, and loneliness. As an artist, I experience these emotions a thousand times greater than non-artists or "norms." Anyway, when I lost the old ball and chain (I was thinking of making the joke "old boobs and chain," but I thought better of it -- and who says this blog isn't sensitive?), that dumb bimbo took a piece of my heart. It's sad, but true. That was hard to get over, and it sent me into a downward spiral.

Ben, I know now that you read this blog, so let me just say that I really admire you and always have. "Brick" is an awesome song, as is your entire post-"Brick" work. It was the depression talking. I think you understand. Otherwise, it's gonna be a long rest-of-the-tour. Right, buddy? Right?

Anyway, time to put the past behind us. As I said up top, I'm making a recovery. There's a new girl in my life! She's hot, sexy, and wears nothing but leaves. No, it's not the girl from American Beauty. I'm talking about Mother Earth! Get ready to hear a lot more about our sexual exploits in the tabloids. We rekindled our love affair at a little event called, oh I don't know -- Live Earth! And I promise you all that I'll be gentle with her (though legally, I'm not promising anything).

...Thora Birch! That's the girl from American Beauty. I wonder what she's up to.

Chicago Sucks

2007-06-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

Doing a show in Chi-Town tonight. I prefer thin crust pizza. I hate improv comedy - stand-up is much better, and less annoying. Wind sucks. Bears suck. The Bulls were awesome in the 90's. TOO awesome. That's why I hate them too. I hate Chicago. I hate the band Chicago. I hope it catches on fire and burns to the ground.

Ugh. What am I doing?

I should cancel this tour.

I'm sick of people writing about how boring my set is, and how they like Ben better. If you love Ben so much, go to his tour! Buy his albums! God knows, no one else does.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Not my usual self. I feel like I'm missing something.

Gonna nap. See you in Chicago. Feel better, Jesse. Remember those steps.

New Poll

2007-06-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

Thanks for voting in the old poll. Here are the results.

Which John Mayer do you prefer?

The Man - 52%
The Myth - 2%
The Legend - 36%
Other - 9%

Yeah, John Mayer "The Man" is a cool guy. Also a lot of love for "The Legend" - they kind of go hand in hand. Maybe I'm not the stuff of "Myth" quite yet, but that's okay, as long as I'm a living legend. We can assume "Other" means either "I can't decide which aspect of your greatness is the best," or "the whole 3-part package is great - don't force me to choose."

Anyway, new poll is up in the sidebar. If you're in Texas... see me in Texas... *sigh*

I'm Not Even Sure Where I Am Right Now

2007-06-20T09:25:00.000-07:00

I think I'm in Missouri. I'm pretty sure I overheard someone say that. Is Missouri the place with the crawfish? I wanna eat me some fish right now, and that's not a dirty joke, in case that's what you're thinking. Pretty sick of you to be thinking that.

The tour has been exhausting, and it didn't help to have a certain pop singer, who shall remain nameless, call me constantly on my cell phone every two minutes. When I finally had her number blocked, I think she got the hint. We had a good time, but now it's time to move on. I hear she's getting back together with that douche from the reality show, and I have to move on to... where the hell am I going next? I think it's Texas, where I'm sure it won't be 80 billion degrees.

I'm in a really bad mood. Ben's a cool guy, but his laugh is getting on my nerves. The tour is doing well, but it isn't creating a national John Mayer fever, like I was hoping it would. Some idiot in Des Moine (Kansas?) said my set was "predictable." What does he know? I'm sure I can "predict" his whole life -- it probably sucks.

Sometimes, even a legend doesn't feel like one.

How Old Is The Girl From Heroes?

2007-06-11T10:30:00.000-07:00

The cheerleader. She told me last night that she's 18. That's true, right?

Luck Be A Lady (Who Meets John Mayer) Tonight!

2007-06-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

Looking forward to playing Vegas tonight, where things STAY in Vegas. I've got plans that are gonna need to be buried, if you catch my drift. Plans like:

* Sleeping with fans.
* Gambling.
* Smoking weed.
* That's pretty much it, but isn't that enough?

After this recent break-up with Jessica, which is final, I can assure you*, I'm ready to party again! Really party! Then I've got to go back to California. ~SIGH~ Touring's a bitch.

I just played two shows in California -- if you were there, you were probably screaming for me. God knows everyone always does. Still, one reviewer panned my show, saying I don't have a sense of humor. What? Hello? Does "stand-up comedian John Mayer" ring a bell? I'd like to see Ben Folds get up on stage at a comedy club. I mean, I love the little guy, but he'd poo his pants. Reviewers - what do they know? Not much, apparently.

From the road,

JM

*Note: I cannot assure you that this will be the case.

Thanks For Voting!

2007-06-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

I plan on writing a tour diary very soon. This is just a quick thank you to everyone who voted in the last poll. Here are the results:

"How excited are you about my summer tour?"

Extremely Excited - 31%
Overly Excited - 10%
Insanely Excited - 19%
Other - 40%

The majority of you - 60% - are in some way excited about my new tour. The "Others" out there (40%) are more elated than excited. They've already seen me in concert before, and while they don't have that initial giddy thrill that comes from seeing me on stage for the first time, they are relieved to finally be back under my spell. For them, it's like scratching an itch.

Anyway, please vote in the next poll, and talk to you soon... from the road!

My 'Mayer'-Bag (aka My Mailbag)

2007-05-31T10:11:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd share with you a lovely email I received from a devoted fan. I love these emails, though the sentiment here is one I get a lot in my "Mayer-Bag" (Mailbag). This one's from Michele:

"Love your music. The lyrics are so deep and very poetic. I have been a fan since Room for Squares and have attended all of your Houston shows. Please though for the love of God find a more suitable girlfriend. She is not at all worthy of you and your talent. Just a thought. :-) I am sure it is mostly all about the sex."

Thank you for your concern, Michele. My relationship with Jessica is about more than sex, though the sex is great -- I mean, really great -- and is one of the most important parts of our relationship. She is a suitable girlfriend for me, and even though we're considered to be on very different spectrums of the music world (pop singer vs. legendary blues guitarist), and even though it's hard to communicate with her when our needs and desires are so different (outside appearance vs. crusading for truth / fighting global warming), we always have one thing in common: great sex. That always brings us together, if you know what I mean.

Thank you for writing, Michele. Feel free to send more email to my Mayer-Bag (Mailbag): johnmayerblues @ gmail.

Why Stand-Up Comedy Needs John Mayer

2007-05-24T17:39:00.000-07:00

I've got some advice to future comics out there: stay out of my way. You know how Oprah isn't satisfied until she's taken over TV, books, and Broadway? Well, I'm not satisfied until I take over music, saving the environment, and stand-up comedy! I guess I'm an ambitious, fast-moving guy, and if you can't keep up, you're gonna get left behind on The Mayer Express.

In case you missed it, here's a recent clip of me doing stand-up:

So, why stand-up? Because every working stand-up today is terrible. Dane Cook, Jeff Foxworthy, Larry The Cable Guy, Dave Chappelle, Patton Oswalt, David Cross, Lewis Black and all the Kings, Queens, and Arch Bishops of Comedy are terrible. Bad. Atrocious. Unfunny. God awful. Sickening. Okay, you get the idea.

But just in case you don't: Louis CK, Demetri Martin, Eddie Izzard, Zach Galifianakis, Mitch Hedberg, Robin Williams, Jamie Kennedy, Jim Gaffigan, Jerry Seinfeld, Gilbert Gottfried, Dom Irrera and Don Rickles all make me want to vomit. And don't even get me started on women stand-ups. Is there a funny one? No, there isn't.

Frankly, I'm volunteering. I don't even really want to do stand-up. I don't like it that much, but someone ought to step up and bring the funny. And if these so-called "comics" can't do it, I guess a blues musician will have to.

To put it another way, stand-up comedy needs me a lot more than I need it!

Change The World Today

2007-05-23T12:34:00.000-07:00

I'm putting daily tips on this blog for how you can lead a better life. They're in the sidebar.

You're welcome.

I'm a Jungle Cat!

2007-05-22T09:32:00.001-07:00

Ignore that press release about breaking up with Jess... for now.

That's the thing about me. I'm like a jungle cat. One minute I'm quietly stalking you in the jungle, the next minute I'm jumping on top of you, claws ripping you apart, eating your entrails, and the following minute I'm back in the jungle, licking my paws. You can't predict me. No "press release" or "written statement" or "thing I said" will stick when it comes to me. The truth isn't some piece of paper you sign and date -- it's a Transformer, changing from a truck to a robot to god only knows what.

I'm a wild man. Rrrowwrrr... and Jess was amazing last night.

Too much information? Well, hold on folks, because you never know how much information you're gonna get with me! Never!

(Me.)

Press Release

2007-05-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

CONTACT:
John Mayer
johnmayerblues@gmail.com
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/blog/johnmayer/blogger.html

LEGENDARY MUSICIAN JOHN MAYER ENDS OKAY RELATIONSHIP WITH WELL- ENDOWED POP SINGER JESSICA SIMPSON

Wishes To Remain “Friends,” Open To Future Sexual Encounters.

New York, NY, May 18th, 2007 - Blues singer and global warming activist John Mayer has decided to put an end to his once sexually exciting, but ultimately boring and frustrating relationship with pop tart Jessica Simpson.

The newly single Mayer, a multiple Grammy Award winner with a mind-blowing summer tour beginning on June 1st, decided enough was enough. “We tried to work things out, but ultimately our priorities in life are very different,” says Mayer. “I want to bring truth to the world with music and stop the ice caps from melting, whereas Jess is more interested with the exposure and maintenance of her breasts.”

“However, I would still be open to the possibility of future one night stands and sexual encounters,” adds Mayer. “In a few months from now, that could work out.”

John wishes Jessica well, and hopes she'll stop crying soon. Mayer will be seeing other people: highly desirable, sexually attractive women who are not looking for a relationship right now (and as usual, lucky concert-goers). There will always be a place in John’s heart for Jessica, her family, and Jessica’s paparazzi followers, which gave him free publicity for his upcoming tour.

“Ladies, look out,” says Mayer, seductively. “Cause blues artists / environmental crusaders do it better.”

###

JOHN MAYER is a handsome, talented, highly successful artist, activist, and thinker. Though legendary for his blues music, John is also gifted at stand-up comedy, blogging and birdhouse creation. He is most comfortable dating women ages 19-28.

Prepare Yourselves

2007-05-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

An announcement is coming. Prepare yourselves. It won't be pretty. It will shock and sadden you. It will tear your insides apart. Very likely, you will feel sick while reading it. I feel sick just thinking about the words I'm preparing myself to say to you. This will be the hardest thing I'll ever have had to write.

Have strength, John. Use the power of music to summon your inner strength. It will take time, but I will say what needs to be said.

The Truth Express is coming, everyone... but this train has derailed, and it's about to collide with Emotions Town. When this happens, I guarantee you won't be ready.

More soon.

[Edit: I couldn't do it, so I had a press agent do it for me. I'm just too fragile right now]

Joe Simpson Says I'm A Legend. Me!

2007-05-17T10:03:00.000-07:00

Most people hate their in-laws. However, if Joe Simpson became mine, I think we'd get along famously. Here's what Joe said about me to People this week:

"I think the beautiful thing is that [he and Jessica] don't do the same thing," he told PEOPLE on Tuesday. "He's a legend already. There is no competition."

Thanks, Joe! Heh. Me. A legend. Wow. I'm letting that sync in. I mean, I know that I'm a great blues singer, a truth fighter, a Grammy winner, and a beloved public figure... but a legend? Hmm... here are some other musicians that have been described as legendary:

Miles Davis
B.B. King
Chuck Berry
Muddy Waters
Ray Charles
Thelonious Monk
Ray Charles
Cat Stevens
Jimi Hendrix
Janis Joplin
The Beatles
The Rolling Stones
The Supremes
Mozart
Vivaldi
Wagner
Bach
Beethoven

and now...

...

Me! Blues legend John Mayer. That has a nice ring to it.

[PS - Don't worry. Though Joe says there's "no comparison," I'm sure Jess is a legendarily great daughter in his eyes. And that's something, right?]

I'm Sleeping On The Couch Tonight

2007-05-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

This is already everywhere.

The trouble began, says another insider when Jess's boyfriend, John Mayer, pointed to a glamorous magazine photo and asked Jess, “How old is this picture of you?” But-whoops!-it was a shot of Ashlee! Uh-oh! "Jessica read John the riot act,” says our source.

GROAN. *She seriously won't shut up about it.* Any advice? She completely cut me off, and I'm pulling my hair out.

Speaking of hair, I got a new haircut. I know, I know. It looks terrible. Thanks. I'm probably gonna wear a hat for the next two weeks or so. Here's a comparison:

Now here's another comparison:

I should have gone to Supercuts. At least when they screw up your hair, it only costs you $20.

Important Haiku

2007-05-08T14:25:00.000-07:00

I've recently been inspired to write some haiku. Here it is:

there they are.

please put them away
it's all anyone looks at
that guy is drooling

you are so pretty
but when you let them hang out
you're a -- well, you know

you still don't get it
i am not at all surprised
you check them for lumps

still nothing? your breasts!
they're all people see when we're
together. jesus!

things that you should wear:
sweatshirts, sweaters, bio suits
embarassed for you

when we're all alone
you can wear that dress for me
then take it off. 'k?

I'm glad to get that off my chest (no pun intended, but I'll take credit for it if you find it funny).

For The Fans

2007-05-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

I made this for two reasons:

1. You demanded it.

2. Seeing me in this cape will show people that I'm tough on environmental crime, like Superman is tough on Lex Luthor / Lois Lane dating other guys.

Now everyone join the Envirosquad! We need more members, so tell your friends. To join, just comment on this post saying you'll do your part to save the environment.

Join The John Mayer EnviroSquad!

2007-05-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of important issues facing mother earth today, and it's during times of crises -- like right now -- when the world needs truth-tellers -- like myself -- to rise up and say what needs to be said. You need this people, so here it comes: I'm gonna give you the 411 on global warming.

Hold on. Stop. Before you decide to freak out and close the browser window, because you hate reading about things that make you uncomfortable, I want to tell you something you probably don't know: global warming is a really big problem. Therefore, rather than just sit back and let conservative nut-jobs bully me -- John Mayer -- into turning a blind eye to the environment, I'm taking a stand and forming...

All you have to do to join The John Mayer EnviroSquad is leave a comment pledging to do your part to help the environment. And it doesn't have to be a big deal. You don't have to go nutty like Sheryl "Toilet Paper Fanatic" Crow. You also don't have to make big strides, like I am: I got a Bio-Diesel tour bus for the summer tour and I'm working on a project to repair the ozone with music (sort of - more later).

Look, I don't expect you to be as good as me. I just think you could do better. We can all do better, though I'm doing quite a bit already.

So join The EnviroSquad and let's fight global warming together. "The power is yours!" Remember that? Captain Planet? Haha - that show was great.

Embarrassment, Re: Virginia Tech, In Touch Magazine, and Myself

2007-04-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

The world is recovering from a monumental tragedy, and apparently nobody at In Touch Magazine fully comprehends that. I'm embarrassed for myself, Jessica, Brad and Angelina that we're awkwardly wedged into a cover on a supermarket trash mag that should be dedicated entirely to the Virginia Tech shootings. See for yourself.

Nauseating. I mean, Newsweek did a full cover on the tragedy - why can't In Touch? I hate to have to do their jobs for them, but apparently it's up to me to propose a tasteful cover for their crummy magazine. If they're so desperate to get gossip out in front, I say consider the feelings of a grieving nation and use a pull-out cover:

I think that's an appropriate compromise. Now come on, In Touch, it's time to get your head in the game. Frankly, I'm embarrassed for your staff and their families.

A Completely Unbiased Review of SNL

2007-04-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

It's hard putting on a show every week -- I perform practically every night when I'm on tour, so I know -- but SNL is showing major signs of fatigue. When the funniest sketch of the night is a pre-recorded parody of The OC (hasn't that been cancelled for months now?), you know you're in trouble. BIG trouble. Like, MadTV trouble.

I used to love SNL during its heyday in the late-90's, when Chris Kattan was on, but now it's completely unwatchable. Some of you might think my review is less than objective, because of this sketch they did:

I assure you, however, that I've completely put that sketch out of my mind when writing this review. This is just one objective viewer's opinion. I mean, was I upset that after I gave them an earth-shattering, soul searching performance in 2003, that only four years later they went after myself and innocent Jessica with demented ferocity and spread poisonous lies?

No, I wasn't.

Anyway, SNL is terrible. Maybe if they brought back Mr. Peepers... but the magic is probably gone now. For your actual amusement, here's something I made in 1999 that's not funny, but at least it's interesting:

(Maybe I should ghost write for SNL. Lord knows, they need all the help they can get.)

To All The Losers Out There: Find Love

2007-04-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy week, suffering in Australia, a continent of surfing idiots. Soon I'll be in Canada, which is clean and has heard of me.

This week, I want to give you all a bit of advice. The odds are good that there are a lot of losers reading this blog. Now don't go taking what I said out of context. I'm not saying you're a loser, but let's face it, not every one of my readers is a successful, happy and important person. I like to think that I am -- now -- but I wasn't until recently. You see, I wasn't really happy until I found love.

For years now, I've had screaming fans, best-selling albums, tons of statues and critics eating out of the palm of my hand. I had everything, but none of it really mattered. I still felt like a loser. Like something in my life was missing. Now that I've found Jess, I feel complete. Whole. I feel like I'm winning for the first time in my life.

Actually, all those things I mentioned in the first sentence (screaming fans, the Grammy awards, etc.) mattered to me a great deal, and still do. My music is such an important part of me, and being able to spread the blues and make a substantial living doing so has always made me feel like a total winner.

So, Jessica doesn't complete me, per se. She's a welcome addition to the avalanche of success that is my life. I love her, and she makes me very happy, as does my fame, fans, and music career. Therefore, I guess my advice to all the losers out there is this: nothing compliments fame and fortune better than someone to love. Groupies will only get you so far.

I Hate Australia

2007-04-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

Why do Australians like Jessica better than me? I've watched their Crocodile Dundee. I've enjoyed their koalas. I've even eaten their bloomin' onion (at Chili's, not at Outback Steakhouse, but it's exactly the same at both restaurants). What more do I have to do?

I mean, don't get me wrong. It's not a competition, but I feel like I need to win over this entire country to my side. Yes, I don't have big breasts, but my music contains big truths, which bounce proudly in the face of political lies and corporations. Surely the substance of my music should help me eclipse Jessica's well-admired mounds on my own tour. I'm supposed to be spreading the power of the blues, and instead I'm a tag-along to my well-endowed girlfriend.

"The greatest humiliation in life is to work hard on something from which you expect great appreciation, and then fail to get it." - Edgar Watson Howe

I love Jess. When we kiss on Australia's many beaches, it's like fireworks. When we stop kissing, it's like the fireworks are blasting straight into my eyes, blinding me, because these muscular surfers push me out of the way to get her autograph. It's embarrassing. Australia, you're embarrassing yourself!

*Sigh*

I just can't believe I've stumbled into this bizarro world where she's more famous and respected than I am. I can't wait to leave this wallaby-infested cesspool.

Jessica and I Have Loud and Amazing Sex. Do You?

2007-04-03T15:21:00.000-07:00

Another testament to my reputation:

Jessica Simpson stunned guests at a Rome hotel by romping noisily with her lover John Mayer, it has been claimed. [...] 'Jessica and John got back fairly early and stayed in all night. But by the sounds of it, they didn't get to sleep for a long time.'"

I have many skills. Singer, songwriter, stand-up comic, airsickness bag collector, but love-maker is probably my greatest skill of all. The proof is in the shrieks of pure orgasmic bliss. Oh, you wonder if she's faking it? Ha. Believe me, I've been around the block, and after so many times -- you know. Other guys might get duped, but these are ways you can always tell if an orgasm was real:

* Lots of loud moaning, and I'm not talking about When Harry Met Sally moaning. I'm talking about moaning moaning, and lots of it!

* She goes crazy! She thrashes around, just like in the movies.

* Her cheeks are pale. Girls who are blushing red haven't experienced the real deal, they're just a little embarassed. No color means no blood flow from the head to the pelvic region (aka love central nervous center).

* There's no "clench." Girls who fake orgasms try to stimulate themselves by clenching the inner vagina muscles. If she's clenching towards the end, it means you're not working hard enough.

* Right after orgasm, she gets up and wants to walk around. She's so excited that she can't sit still.

Consider this karmic retribution if I kept you up that night in Rome. To paraphrase Kermit the Frog, "it's not easy being sexy."

My Music Will Get You Laid

2007-03-28T10:59:00.000-07:00

Remember, this is a personal blog, not a headline news site, so I'm sure many of you guy readers already know that my music will get you laid. It's a proven fact. Like the Pied Piper led the rats out of Germany, "Vultures" leads girls to instant orgasm.

So I took offense at a piece from the delewareonline "News Journal" (Is it a newspaper? A journal? It's time to make up your mind) called "How To Be A Ladies Man." Here's what they say:

[Two Ladies Men, Ron and Ray] liberally spritz Tag Body Spray all over themselves, have memorized John Mayer chords on the acoustic, always stock the fridge with plenty of Franzia...

But in the end, none of it matters, for they know there's only one ingredient in the mix that lets the ladies know they're workin' it for the weekend. And as long as she can read, fellas, you're in luck. It's their collection of witty, irreverent, cheeky T-shirts.

You call that 'News Journal-ism?' Seriously, guys, knowing John Mayer chords does matter. Granted, spinning the actual audio tracks is best for the bedroom, but I suppose as a party trick, being able to adequately bang-out "Wonderland" is a good opener (though please don't send me audio of you doing that - I still have a headache from American Idol). Nothing else that they mentioned would work. Tag Body Spray is great, if you want to smell like a high school gym locker room, and nothing says "suave and sophisticated" quite like a big ol' box of wine!

Worst of all, though, is this notion that wearing one of those t-shirts will somehow help you inside a woman's pants.

"The Cream Machine" - More like "The Dweeb Machine" with that cow head. Pass.

"_ELL HU_G" - I've got a hangman t-shirt for you: "WH_T A D_UCHE_AG!" Pass.

"Sausage Party" - Spelled out in saugages... SUPER PASS.

I do believe, however, that this shirt will help you score. Multiple times in one night. YOU pick the positions:

However, I say we put it up to a vote. Ladies, which of these shirts will help guys get all up in you tonight?

Rumors...

2007-03-26T15:30:00.000-07:00

The rumor mills are churning about a wedding between myself and a certain well-known pop princess (of course, I'm talking about JoJo*).

Deep breaths...

Some of my commenters (hey, guys) made the point that I shouldn't give these rumor-mongers much credence. That's good advice. The more weight I give the rumors, the more they will snowball out of control. So I'll just ignore those assholes and move on. Thank you, everyone.

-----

Side Topic

Here's a random question for the ladies: let's say you were really wealthy and had everything in the whole world you could possibly want. If a really cool guy proposed to you, would you want him to buy you a big fancy ring, even though it probably wouldn't impress you at all, or would a cheap, but meaningful, ring be the right choice? Say you once went to a miniature golf course together, and you won her a plastic ring playing skee-ball -- would that be okay? To steal that ring from the "Memory Vault" in her closet and give it to her? Remember, this girl is very rich and has lots of fancy jewelry already.

Answer honestly. Thanks.

-----

*Not really, but watch Perez Hilton shove that into his lie-blog this week.

(Ladies Only) Which of These Shirts Turns You On?