John Mayer's Soul
Thursday, May 31, 2007
My 'Mayer'-Bag (aka My Mailbag)
I thought I'd share with you a lovely email I received from a devoted fan. I love these emails, though the sentiment here is one I get a lot in my "Mayer-Bag" (Mailbag). This one's from Michele:
Thank you for your concern, Michele. My relationship with Jessica is about more than sex, though the sex is great -- I mean, really great -- and is one of the most important parts of our relationship. She is a suitable girlfriend for me, and even though we're considered to be on very different spectrums of the music world (pop singer vs. legendary blues guitarist), and even though it's hard to communicate with her when our needs and desires are so different (outside appearance vs. crusading for truth / fighting global warming), we always have one thing in common: great sex. That always brings us together, if you know what I mean.
Thank you for writing, Michele. Feel free to send more email to my Mayer-Bag (Mailbag): johnmayerblues @ gmail.
"Love your music. The lyrics are so deep and very poetic. I have been a fan since Room for Squares and have attended all of your Houston shows. Please though for the love of God find a more suitable girlfriend. She is not at all worthy of you and your talent. Just a thought. :-) I am sure it is mostly all about the sex."
Thank you for your concern, Michele. My relationship with Jessica is about more than sex, though the sex is great -- I mean, really great -- and is one of the most important parts of our relationship. She is a suitable girlfriend for me, and even though we're considered to be on very different spectrums of the music world (pop singer vs. legendary blues guitarist), and even though it's hard to communicate with her when our needs and desires are so different (outside appearance vs. crusading for truth / fighting global warming), we always have one thing in common: great sex. That always brings us together, if you know what I mean.Thank you for writing, Michele. Feel free to send more email to my Mayer-Bag (Mailbag): johnmayerblues @ gmail.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Why Stand-Up Comedy Needs John Mayer
I've got some advice to future comics out there: stay out of my way. You know how Oprah isn't satisfied until she's taken over TV, books, and Broadway? Well, I'm not satisfied until I take over music, saving the environment, and stand-up comedy! I guess I'm an ambitious, fast-moving guy, and if you can't keep up, you're gonna get left behind on The Mayer Express.
In case you missed it, here's a recent clip of me doing stand-up:
So, why stand-up? Because every working stand-up today is terrible. Dane Cook, Jeff Foxworthy, Larry The Cable Guy, Dave Chappelle, Patton Oswalt, David Cross, Lewis Black and all the Kings, Queens, and Arch Bishops of Comedy are terrible. Bad. Atrocious. Unfunny. God awful. Sickening. Okay, you get the idea.
But just in case you don't: Louis CK, Demetri Martin, Eddie Izzard, Zach Galifianakis, Mitch Hedberg, Robin Williams, Jamie Kennedy, Jim Gaffigan, Jerry Seinfeld, Gilbert Gottfried, Dom Irrera and Don Rickles all make me want to vomit. And don't even get me started on women stand-ups. Is there a funny one? No, there isn't.
Frankly, I'm volunteering. I don't even really want to do stand-up. I don't like it that much, but someone ought to step up and bring the funny. And if these so-called "comics" can't do it, I guess a blues musician will have to.
To put it another way, stand-up comedy needs me a lot more than I need it!
In case you missed it, here's a recent clip of me doing stand-up:
So, why stand-up? Because every working stand-up today is terrible. Dane Cook, Jeff Foxworthy, Larry The Cable Guy, Dave Chappelle, Patton Oswalt, David Cross, Lewis Black and all the Kings, Queens, and Arch Bishops of Comedy are terrible. Bad. Atrocious. Unfunny. God awful. Sickening. Okay, you get the idea.
But just in case you don't: Louis CK, Demetri Martin, Eddie Izzard, Zach Galifianakis, Mitch Hedberg, Robin Williams, Jamie Kennedy, Jim Gaffigan, Jerry Seinfeld, Gilbert Gottfried, Dom Irrera and Don Rickles all make me want to vomit. And don't even get me started on women stand-ups. Is there a funny one? No, there isn't.
Frankly, I'm volunteering. I don't even really want to do stand-up. I don't like it that much, but someone ought to step up and bring the funny. And if these so-called "comics" can't do it, I guess a blues musician will have to.
To put it another way, stand-up comedy needs me a lot more than I need it!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Change The World Today
I'm putting daily tips on this blog for how you can lead a better life. They're in the sidebar.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I'm a Jungle Cat!
Ignore that press release about breaking up with Jess... for now.
That's the thing about me. I'm like a jungle cat. One minute I'm quietly stalking you in the jungle, the next minute I'm jumping on top of you, claws ripping you apart, eating your entrails, and the following minute I'm back in the jungle, licking my paws. You can't predict me. No "press release" or "written statement" or "thing I said" will stick when it comes to me. The truth isn't some piece of paper you sign and date -- it's a Transformer, changing from a truck to a robot to god only knows what.
I'm a wild man. Rrrowwrrr... and Jess was amazing last night.
Too much information? Well, hold on folks, because you never know how much information you're gonna get with me! Never!
(Me.)
That's the thing about me. I'm like a jungle cat. One minute I'm quietly stalking you in the jungle, the next minute I'm jumping on top of you, claws ripping you apart, eating your entrails, and the following minute I'm back in the jungle, licking my paws. You can't predict me. No "press release" or "written statement" or "thing I said" will stick when it comes to me. The truth isn't some piece of paper you sign and date -- it's a Transformer, changing from a truck to a robot to god only knows what.
I'm a wild man. Rrrowwrrr... and Jess was amazing last night.
Too much information? Well, hold on folks, because you never know how much information you're gonna get with me! Never!
(Me.)Friday, May 18, 2007
Press Release
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
CONTACT:
John Mayer
johnmayerblues@gmail.com
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/blog/johnmayer/blogger.html
LEGENDARY MUSICIAN JOHN MAYER ENDS OKAY RELATIONSHIP WITH WELL- ENDOWED POP SINGER JESSICA SIMPSON
Wishes To Remain “Friends,” Open To Future Sexual Encounters.
New York, NY, May 18th, 2007 - Blues singer and global warming activist John Mayer has decided to put an end to his once sexually exciting, but ultimately boring and frustrating relationship with pop tart Jessica Simpson.
The newly single Mayer, a multiple Grammy Award winner with a mind-blowing summer tour beginning on June 1st, decided enough was enough. “We tried to work things out, but ultimately our priorities in life are very different,” says Mayer. “I want to bring truth to the world with music and stop the ice caps from melting, whereas Jess is more interested with the exposure and maintenance of her breasts.”
“However, I would still be open to the possibility of future one night stands and sexual encounters,” adds Mayer. “In a few months from now, that could work out.”
John wishes Jessica well, and hopes she'll stop crying soon. Mayer will be seeing other people: highly desirable, sexually attractive women who are not looking for a relationship right now (and as usual, lucky concert-goers). There will always be a place in John’s heart for Jessica, her family, and Jessica’s paparazzi followers, which gave him free publicity for his upcoming tour.
“Ladies, look out,” says Mayer, seductively. “Cause blues artists / environmental crusaders do it better.”
###
JOHN MAYER is a handsome, talented, highly successful artist, activist, and thinker. Though legendary for his blues music, John is also gifted at stand-up comedy, blogging and birdhouse creation. He is most comfortable dating women ages 19-28.
CONTACT:
John Mayer
johnmayerblues@gmail.com
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/blog/johnmayer/blogger.html
LEGENDARY MUSICIAN JOHN MAYER ENDS OKAY RELATIONSHIP WITH WELL- ENDOWED POP SINGER JESSICA SIMPSON
Wishes To Remain “Friends,” Open To Future Sexual Encounters.
New York, NY, May 18th, 2007 - Blues singer and global warming activist John Mayer has decided to put an end to his once sexually exciting, but ultimately boring and frustrating relationship with pop tart Jessica Simpson.The newly single Mayer, a multiple Grammy Award winner with a mind-blowing summer tour beginning on June 1st, decided enough was enough. “We tried to work things out, but ultimately our priorities in life are very different,” says Mayer. “I want to bring truth to the world with music and stop the ice caps from melting, whereas Jess is more interested with the exposure and maintenance of her breasts.”
“However, I would still be open to the possibility of future one night stands and sexual encounters,” adds Mayer. “In a few months from now, that could work out.”
John wishes Jessica well, and hopes she'll stop crying soon. Mayer will be seeing other people: highly desirable, sexually attractive women who are not looking for a relationship right now (and as usual, lucky concert-goers). There will always be a place in John’s heart for Jessica, her family, and Jessica’s paparazzi followers, which gave him free publicity for his upcoming tour.
“Ladies, look out,” says Mayer, seductively. “Cause blues artists / environmental crusaders do it better.”
###
JOHN MAYER is a handsome, talented, highly successful artist, activist, and thinker. Though legendary for his blues music, John is also gifted at stand-up comedy, blogging and birdhouse creation. He is most comfortable dating women ages 19-28.
Prepare Yourselves
An announcement is coming. Prepare yourselves. It won't be pretty. It will shock and sadden you. It will tear your insides apart. Very likely, you will feel sick while reading it. I feel sick just thinking about the words I'm preparing myself to say to you. This will be the hardest thing I'll ever have had to write.
Have strength, John. Use the power of music to summon your inner strength. It will take time, but I will say what needs to be said.
The Truth Express is coming, everyone... but this train has derailed, and it's about to collide with Emotions Town. When this happens, I guarantee you won't be ready.
More soon.
[Edit: I couldn't do it, so I had a press agent do it for me. I'm just too fragile right now]
Have strength, John. Use the power of music to summon your inner strength. It will take time, but I will say what needs to be said.
The Truth Express is coming, everyone... but this train has derailed, and it's about to collide with Emotions Town. When this happens, I guarantee you won't be ready.
More soon.
[Edit: I couldn't do it, so I had a press agent do it for me. I'm just too fragile right now]
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Joe Simpson Says I'm A Legend. Me!
Most people hate their in-laws. However, if Joe Simpson became mine, I think we'd get along famously. Here's what Joe said about me to People this week:
...
Me! Blues legend John Mayer. That has a nice ring to it.
[PS - Don't worry. Though Joe says there's "no comparison," I'm sure Jess is a legendarily great daughter in his eyes. And that's something, right?]
"I think the beautiful thing is that [he and Jessica] don't do the same thing," he told PEOPLE on Tuesday. "He's a legend already. There is no competition."Thanks, Joe! Heh. Me. A legend. Wow. I'm letting that sync in. I mean, I know that I'm a great blues singer, a truth fighter, a Grammy winner, and a beloved public figure... but a legend? Hmm... here are some other musicians that have been described as legendary:
Miles Davis- B.B. King
- Chuck Berry
- Muddy Waters
- Ray Charles
- Thelonious Monk
- Ray Charles
- Cat Stevens
- Jimi Hendrix
- Janis Joplin
- The Beatles
- The Rolling Stones
- The Supremes
- Mozart
- Vivaldi
- Wagner
- Bach
- Beethoven
...
Me! Blues legend John Mayer. That has a nice ring to it.
[PS - Don't worry. Though Joe says there's "no comparison," I'm sure Jess is a legendarily great daughter in his eyes. And that's something, right?]
Thursday, May 10, 2007
I'm Sleeping On The Couch Tonight
This is already everywhere.
I should have gone to Supercuts. At least when they screw up your hair, it only costs you $20.
The trouble began, says another insider when Jess's boyfriend, John Mayer, pointed to a glamorous magazine photo and asked Jess, “How old is this picture of you?” But-whoops!-it was a shot of Ashlee! Uh-oh! "Jessica read John the riot act,” says our source.
GROAN. *She seriously won't shut up about it.* Any advice? She completely cut me off, and I'm pulling my hair out.
Speaking of hair, I got a new haircut. I know, I know. It looks terrible. Thanks. I'm probably gonna wear a hat for the next two weeks or so. Here's a comparison:
I should have gone to Supercuts. At least when they screw up your hair, it only costs you $20.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Important Haiku
I've recently been inspired to write some haiku. Here it is:
there they are.
please put them away
it's all anyone looks at
that guy is drooling
you are so pretty
but when you let them hang out
you're a -- well, you know
you still don't get it
i am not at all surprised
you check them for lumps
still nothing? your breasts!
they're all people see when we're
together. jesus!
things that you should wear:
sweatshirts, sweaters, bio suits
embarassed for you
when we're all alone
you can wear that dress for me
then take it off. 'k?
I'm glad to get that off my chest (no pun intended, but I'll take credit for it if you find it funny).
there they are.
please put them away
it's all anyone looks at
that guy is drooling
you are so pretty
but when you let them hang out
you're a -- well, you know
you still don't get it
i am not at all surprised
you check them for lumps
still nothing? your breasts!
they're all people see when we're
together. jesus!
things that you should wear:
sweatshirts, sweaters, bio suits
embarassed for you
when we're all alone
you can wear that dress for me
then take it off. 'k?
I'm glad to get that off my chest (no pun intended, but I'll take credit for it if you find it funny).
Monday, May 7, 2007
For The Fans
I made this for two reasons:
1. You demanded it.
2. Seeing me in this cape will show people that I'm tough on environmental crime, like Superman is tough on Lex Luthor / Lois Lane dating other guys.
Now everyone join the Envirosquad! We need more members, so tell your friends. To join, just comment on this post saying you'll do your part to save the environment.
I made this for two reasons:
1. You demanded it.
2. Seeing me in this cape will show people that I'm tough on environmental crime, like Superman is tough on Lex Luthor / Lois Lane dating other guys.
Now everyone join the Envirosquad! We need more members, so tell your friends. To join, just comment on this post saying you'll do your part to save the environment.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Join The John Mayer EnviroSquad!
There are a lot of important issues facing mother earth today, and it's during times of crises -- like right now -- when the world needs truth-tellers -- like myself -- to rise up and say what needs to be said. You need this people, so here it comes: I'm gonna give you the 411 on global warming.
Hold on. Stop. Before you decide to freak out and close the browser window, because you hate reading about things that make you uncomfortable, I want to tell you something you probably don't know: global warming is a really big problem. Therefore, rather than just sit back and let conservative nut-jobs bully me -- John Mayer -- into turning a blind eye to the environment, I'm taking a stand and forming...
All you have to do to join The John Mayer EnviroSquad is leave a comment pledging to do your part to help the environment. And it doesn't have to be a big deal. You don't have to go nutty like Sheryl "Toilet Paper Fanatic" Crow. You also don't have to make big strides, like I am: I got a Bio-Diesel tour bus for the summer tour and I'm working on a project to repair the ozone with music (sort of - more later).
Look, I don't expect you to be as good as me. I just think you could do better. We can all do better, though I'm doing quite a bit already.
So join The EnviroSquad and let's fight global warming together. "The power is yours!" Remember that? Captain Planet? Haha - that show was great.
Hold on. Stop. Before you decide to freak out and close the browser window, because you hate reading about things that make you uncomfortable, I want to tell you something you probably don't know: global warming is a really big problem. Therefore, rather than just sit back and let conservative nut-jobs bully me -- John Mayer -- into turning a blind eye to the environment, I'm taking a stand and forming...
All you have to do to join The John Mayer EnviroSquad is leave a comment pledging to do your part to help the environment. And it doesn't have to be a big deal. You don't have to go nutty like Sheryl "Toilet Paper Fanatic" Crow. You also don't have to make big strides, like I am: I got a Bio-Diesel tour bus for the summer tour and I'm working on a project to repair the ozone with music (sort of - more later).Look, I don't expect you to be as good as me. I just think you could do better. We can all do better, though I'm doing quite a bit already.
So join The EnviroSquad and let's fight global warming together. "The power is yours!" Remember that? Captain Planet? Haha - that show was great.
