My Music Will Get You Laid

Remember, this is a personal blog, not a headline news site, so I'm sure many of you guy readers already know that my music will get you laid. It's a proven fact. Like the Pied Piper led the rats out of Germany, "Vultures" leads girls to instant orgasm.

So I took offense at a piece from the delewareonline "News Journal" (Is it a newspaper? A journal? It's time to make up your mind) called "How To Be A Ladies Man." Here's what they say:

[Two Ladies Men, Ron and Ray] liberally spritz Tag Body Spray all over themselves, have memorized John Mayer chords on the acoustic, always stock the fridge with plenty of Franzia...

But in the end, none of it matters, for they know there's only one ingredient in the mix that lets the ladies know they're workin' it for the weekend. And as long as she can read, fellas, you're in luck. It's their collection of witty, irreverent, cheeky T-shirts.

You call that 'News Journal-ism?' Seriously, guys, knowing John Mayer chords does matter. Granted, spinning the actual audio tracks is best for the bedroom, but I suppose as a party trick, being able to adequately bang-out "Wonderland" is a good opener (though please don't send me audio of you doing that - I still have a headache from American Idol). Nothing else that they mentioned would work. Tag Body Spray is great, if you want to smell like a high school gym locker room, and nothing says "suave and sophisticated" quite like a big ol' box of wine!

Worst of all, though, is this notion that wearing one of those t-shirts will somehow help you inside a woman's pants.




I do believe, however, that this shirt will help you score. Multiple times in one night. YOU pick the positions:

(Ladies Only) Which of These Shirts Turns You On?

Official Brooding John Mayer Shirt"The Cream Machine""_ELL HU_G""Sausage Party"

  ¶ 10:59 AM 4 Comments   

  Rumors...

The rumor mills are churning about a wedding between myself and a certain well-known pop princess (of course, I'm talking about JoJo*).

Deep breaths...

Some of my commenters (hey, guys) made the point that I shouldn't give these rumor-mongers much credence. That's good advice. The more weight I give the rumors, the more they will snowball out of control. So I'll just ignore those assholes and move on. Thank you, everyone.


Side Topic

Here's a random question for the ladies: let's say you were really wealthy and had everything in the whole world you could possibly want. If a really cool guy proposed to you, would you want him to buy you a big fancy ring, even though it probably wouldn't impress you at all, or would a cheap, but meaningful, ring be the right choice? Say you once went to a miniature golf course together, and you won her a plastic ring playing skee-ball -- would that be okay? To steal that ring from the "Memory Vault" in her closet and give it to her? Remember, this girl is very rich and has lots of fancy jewelry already.

Answer honestly. Thanks.


*Not really, but watch Perez Hilton shove that into his lie-blog this week.  ¶ 3:30 PM 13 Comments   

  An Open Letter To Fat People

Dear Fat People,

Hey guys. So, as one of you already knows, Jessica and I went to see my friend David's blues show at a place called "Hotel Cafe" the other night. It should have been a good time, except for the following problems:

1. The place is called "Hotel Cafe." That's lame -- pick one and roll with it.
2. I kept having to poke Jessica to keep her awake. Embarassing...
3. There was a really sweaty fat guy who wouldn't stop talking to me.

Look, I don't hate fat people, but I hate the fact that fat people are so hard to maneuver around. Normally when a boring fan won't shut up, I can just say, "I gotta..." and then push him aside. However, try doing that with a fat person. It's incredibly difficult and awkward.

So I'm currently preparing a Fat Fan Emergency Kit for the summer tour, complete with limited edition CDs, posters, Pizza Bites, Double Stuff Oreos, Bearclaws, and Cadbury Cream Eggs. If I can't move you guys by force, I'll move you with kindness!

But just so we're clear, this food and merch bribe is so you'll leave me alone. Please don't start following me around just because you know I have Cream Eggs. They're 65 cents at Walgreens -- buy your own!

Thanks,

JM  ¶ 9:32 AM 8 Comments   

  On The Subject of Adoption

Question: Can a guy do too much to help the world?

Answer: Nope, especially if it's yours truly.

I'm diving head first into another charity event, this time for VH1's Save The Music. They help keep music programs alive in schools. Helping kids is something I'm very passionate about. Children are the future, you know. And it got me thinking -- what if I helped some very special kid out there?

Now, I don't want you people to freak out. There have been some freak-outs lately, so I'm gonna begin this statement with a warning: this blog is just a musing, and not a statement declaring definitive action. No need to alert the gossip rags.

Anyway, it's just a thought, but what if I adopted a kid?

Jessica talks about wanting to adopt someday (she hears that her contemporaries are all picking up kids in Africa and she's like, "me too"), and being a dad would probably be fun. We would play catch in the yard, I'd read to him at night 'til he got sleepy, and he'd be a little me, wanting to carry on my musical blues legacy. I couldn't think of anything more wonderful.

Or would I just get bored with him? I don't know. I like dogs, but this wouldn't really be the same thing.  ¶ 9:13 AM 8 Comments   

  The "Borefriend" Rebuttal

The US policy towards Iran:

"The United States will take no action that extends legitimacy to the ayatollahs in Iran."

My policy towards TMZ:

"John Mayer will take no action that extends legitimacy to the lie-peddlers at TMZ."

However, hypothetically, if someone were to describe me as "[Jessica Simpson's] troublingly-tressed borefriend," I would respond with the following list of things that are interesting about me:

1. I'm a world famous blues guitarist and songsmith.
2. I have a legion of adoring fans.
3. I've won important awards, earned gold records, and even asshole music critics can't help but love me.
4. I'm a dynamic human being.
5. I'm dating one of the prettiest women of all-time.
6. I could buy and sell websites like TMZ fifty times over, I can only assume.
7. I excel at different types of art, including comedy and birdhouse creation.
8. I tell the truth, which is an interesting trait in a world of liars (hint: I'm talking about you, TMZ).

Frankly, gossip rags are starting to bore me. Also, my tresses are just fine, thank you.  ¶ 10:14 AM 3 Comments   

  What It Felt Like Hearing My Song On American Idol...

Here's Sanjaya Malakar singing "Waiting For The World To Change":

And here's what it felt like he was doing to my song:

By the way, if you don't like to watch chickens getting slaughtered, you probably shouldn't watch the above video. Seriously, though, that's what it was like.  ¶ 4:55 PM 5 Comments   

  Clarification: What John Mayer Gift Certificates Do Not Buy You

My lawyers and I would like to make something abundantly clear, regarding the John Mayer Gift Certificates I sell in my online store. The gift certificates are "...the perfect gift to send your friends and family so they can pick up their favorite John Mayer gear." "John Mayer gear" refers to CDs, sweatshirts, and fan club membership (which is a great deal, by the way).

John Mayer gear does not refer to the following:

• Tickets to John Mayer concerts and live performances.
• Backstage passes to John Mayer shows.
• Food that was supposed to be delivered to John Mayer's dressing room.
• Items of clothing worn by John Mayer, including briefs and undergarments.
• The license plate on John Mayer's tour bus.
• Wi-Fi internet purchased and paid for by John Mayer.
• Any of John Mayer's personal writings, notebooks, or wooden handicrafts, like John Mayer's hand-crafted birdhouse.
• Finally, and I'm not kidding about this - sexual favors from John Mayer.

Hopefully now there will be no more confusion.  ¶ 12:47 PM 7 Comments   

  Vote For Your Favorite John Mayer

Apparently there's more than one John Mayer. As if that wasn't bad enough, there's more than one famous John Mayer! According to Wikipedia, there's even another music composer named John Mayer. Hmm.

Obviously, that's no big deal. I'm still the most famous by far, but just as a joke or whatever, here's a poll I just set up:

Which John Mayer is the best?
	John Mayer, Blues Guitarist (Me)
	John D. Mayer, Psychologist
	John Mayer, Indo-Jazz Composer
	John Mair, Scottish Philosopher

Now let the record show who the best John Mayer is. Vote away!  ¶ 10:45 AM 5 Comments   

  Jessica and I Make Sweet Love, Not Music

If you've been holding your breath for me to do a duet with Jessica Simpson, you're gonna be holding it until you pass out and die.

The problem is this: I totally dig Jessica, and making out with her is awesome, but I just don't respect her as an artist. I assume you're not gonna understand what I mean by that, and think I'm insulting her, so let me clear that up before Perez Hilton writes something untrue about me, like "John Mayer doesn't respect Jessica Simpson as an artist."

Jessica is a pop singer. Her looks are everything, and I respect all the time she puts into her make-up, selecting her outfits, and powdering her generous cleavage. But her songs are terrible -- even she knows that. I tell her that all the time. And you see, as a respected blues guitarist, I can't associate my music with hers. I can give her my body, but I cannot give her my musical soul. That would be suicide.

So no duet for us, but I do want to marry her. A good marriage isn't built on respect, it's built on mutual attraction, and believe me -- we've got that in spades. YEAH!  ¶ 10:25 AM 8 Comments