The Kidz Love Me!

Yeah, all my "hipster" fans are gonna cringe at Kidz Bop's rendition of my song, "Waiting For The World To Change." (Click here for a preview) They're gonna ask, "who's that dude doing a $10 impression of legendary blues guitarist John Mayer," and "what's up with all those stupid kids?" But you know what? I think it's great.

For one, it was a good business decision. I made a lot of money licensing this song to Kidz Bop. Tons! A hell of a lot more than when some douche college acappella band covers one of my songs -- you try getting money from Berkley's "No Instruments Allowed." They're a bunch of sneaky assholes.

Second, I have no problem with kids singing my music. They're the next generation, and maybe they'll think of my song when they're out there, fighting racism and global warming. That would make me a hero, not unlike a mixture of Al Gore, Martin Luther King, Jr. and non-electric Bob Dylan. Even hipsters want to be beloved civil rights leaders, so they really have no legs to stand on.

I say, "sing it, Kidz!" In fact, why not buy a couple of songs and take advantage of my group rate? Save some $$$ for the buses to your first protest march.  ¶ 10:26 AM 0 Comments   

  I Want An Open Relationship With My Fans

Some of you have been writing me about my recent interview in Time Out New York Magazine and a follow-up blog post from Perez Hilton. There's a lot of confusion over the following statement:

TONY: [Regarding Jessica Simpson] Do you feel like your fans are wondering, What the hell?

John Mayer: Here's the thing: Most artists at one point or another hit a point where they divorce themselves from their fans.

Let me get this out of the way right now: I do not want a divorce from my fans. I love you guys, and I'm well aware that you buy my albums. Seriously, you're wonderful to me.

However, I would like to start seeing other people.

I'm not trying to be cruel. It's just that you're all very pedestrian and not particularly glamorous. You're loyal, that's true. But so are dogs, and I don't necessarily want dogs to be my fans either. Oh, and before you take that out of context too, I'm not calling you dogs. I'm just saying both you and dogs aren't particularly attractive.

I'd like to try an open relationship. You can start listening to Ben Harper, Phish or whoever -- I don't care -- while I have sex with my new fan: drop-dead gorgeous megastar Jessica Simpson. Is that fair? I love you guys, and I think this can work, but I need some space right now.

...until my tour comes to your town this summer. Then feel free to buy merch and crowd around me while I'm on stage. Not too close though, cause my bodyguards have tasers. Lots of tasers!  ¶ 10:36 AM 2 Comments   

  Top 6 Ways To Prepare For My Arrival

With my big tour for the summer just announced, you're probably wondering: what do I need to do before John Mayer invades my city? Good question. Lots of things. On my "rider" (a musical act's contract with a theater/performing space), I demand tons of stuff, from thinly sliced meat to Gold Bond medicated powder to krazy glue. Hey, if a theater owner isn't gonna run out and buy me an organic fruit bowl, he's probably not serious about wanting me to perform there.

So, that's what venue owners have to do. But what about you -- the fans? Well, you guys have got your work cut out for you, ha ha! Here's my list of things you'll need to do, in order to prepare for a John Mayer musiclanche (an avalance of music):

6. Get yourself psyched and ready to see a great concert!
5. 40 bottles of re-purified Desani water.
4. 80 small bottles of Advil Cold and Sinus - 40 drowsy, 40 daytime. Then dump out the drowsy bottles, and put the daytime capsules in them.
3. Wi-Fi, cable internet and DSL hookups for my hotel, bus and backstage. I already have wi-fi on the bus, but I don't care. I want double internet.
2. A version of Monopoly I don't already own. I already have Scooby Doo Monopoly, Hard Rock Cafe Monopoly, and Don't Go To Jail: The Monopoly Dice Game, along with 17 other versions. Good luck, assholes!
1. An ice statue of myself, hugging myself while playing guitar.

Do I need to remind you? No ice sculpture, no show. Now get to work!  ¶ 3:16 PM 3 Comments   

  Platinum's No Big Deal Anymore

I'm going on a big tour this summer, because of the success of my platinum-selling album, Continuum. Yeah, Continuum went platinum. Feh.

It's like when you go bowling, and there are league bowlers playing in the lane next to you. You get excited when you hit a strike! Maybe you jump up and down, or shout "boo yeah," or something obnoxious like that. Meanwhile, the regulars hit strikes all the time, and they're really blase about it. "Oh, a strike. Great. Hey, can we get more cheese fries?"

You see, I'm like the league bowler of the recording industry. This is my third album that's gone platinum, and that's because I'm brilliant. Ain't much more to it than that. You love my music, you have to own my music -- game over.

I guess I could be happy to have such a rapid fan base, and to have accomplished something few musicians ever do. But I'm not. I'm just okay about it. I expect to win at this point, because I'm a natural winner. So, did I say game over already? I did? Okay, well, I'll say it again.

GAME OVER.
  ¶ 10:49 AM 2 Comments   

  Sorry, I Won't Get Naked For You

Last night's concert at Northern Illinois University was incredibly hot, because I was like the sun, beating down on a crowd of college girls. A lot of girls held up signs, begging me to get naked on stage. However, as we've learned from global warming, even the sun has to draw the line somewhere. That's why I've got to break a lot of hearts by saying the following selection of tear-inducing words:

I will never get naked on stage.

Listen, ladies. I know some rockers, like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, will go on stage with nothing but their guitars. But let's be fair -- those guys are ugly. And I don't mean Steve Buscemi, indie-cool ugly. I mean, their faces make a handsome person, such as myself, want to vomit. They get naked on stage because they have nothing left to lose. At least they'll feel like they got some kind of action that night.

I'm in a whole other league. Women want me, especially college girls, the sweetest fruit on the vine. They throw themselves at me, whether I'm on stage, going to the supermarket -- hell, there's a girl at my hotel window right now, as I write this blog post. Will I just stand up and get naked for her? No. But I will invite her inside, put on a seductive song about bodies being wonderlands, and make love to that 19-year-old hard, sweet, and very fast, cause I have a busy schedule.

My point is this: I won't get naked during a show, but if you give my security guard and my best friend from back east, T-Bone, a few "special favors," it'll increase your odds of a private show by at least 15-18%.  ¶ 10:07 AM 4 Comments   

  Kurt Cobain Turns 40 and I Turn 30. Coincidence?

Kurt Cobain isn't my hero, but damn it, I respect the guy. He was a pretty decent guitar player, and he wrote good rape songs (songs about rape, not songs to rape to). Kurt's turns 40 today, which is weird, because later this year I turn 30 -- exactly one decade apart. However, that's not the only eerie link between us:

• Kurt and I are both beloved guitar players.
• We both became really popular in our mid-twenties.
• We both dated singers, though Jessica is way hotter (just kidding Courtney, but it's true).
• We're both on top of our respective genres: Kurt is considered King of Grunge, whereas I'm the new King of Blues.
• We both led tortured lives -- he tortured himself with thoughts of suicide, whereas I torture myself to make sure my latest album is up to my ridiculously high standards.
• We're both counter-culture icons.

Creepy, no? So, happy birthday, Kurt! I know it's been many years since you died, but I can feel your pain.

  ¶ 4:57 PM 2 Comments   

  My Music Will Defeat Global Warming

Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the greater good. I sacrificed the peaceful life of a common man, so I could bring my truth to you, via my insanely popular, money and fame generating music. That was very selfless of me.

I guess "Charity" must be my middle name, cause I'm at it again. This time, I'm gonna be the headlining act on Al Gore's "Live Earth" concert tour, to raise awareness for global warming. Though pop acts like the Black Eyed Peas and the Red Hot Chili Peppers will be lending their time, I will be lending my heart, soul, and entire being. You see, global warming is something that affected me in a very powerful way.

Last summer, I was trying to write a simple love song on my private island, but no matter how many $50 Mai Tais or how much sex with Jessica Simpson I had, it was still too hot and yucky outside to write music. The sweat poured down my face, my guitar started sticking to my chisled abs, and at that point I knew I was sunk.

Global warming won that round, but now it's time for round two. And this time, global warming, it's personal. Not as personal as my blues album Continuum, but still very personal.  ¶ 12:27 PM 2 Comments   

  Manliness

What is manliness? Easy question. It's knowing how to put people in their place. In case you missed it, here's me putting Ryan Seacrest in his place before the Grammy awards:

I gave him a dose of truth and a side of tough. People think that artists can't be strong, because we're so sensitive to emotions. I'd argue that it's just the opposite. Being sensitive makes us super strong, more colossal than any football linesbacker, because though we lose the war of fists, we'll always win the war of the minds.

And that's where I beat Ryan. In the mind arena.  ¶ 5:11 PM 1 Comments   

  I Did Not Look Like Edward Scissorhands

If you're a fan of good music, my music, you do not read the gossip columns. And good for you. Trust me, you're better off without the US Weekly's of the world, cramming your heads with vicious lies and diet tips. The only diet tip you need is "excercise," and the only vicious lie you need is: "sites like TMZ aren't not valuable." In other words, they're useless.

Yesterday, in their weak attempt at humor, TMZ made a humorous (?) comparison between my look at the Grammys and Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands.

Ludicrous. Most people could probably tell exactly what I was going for. It couldn't have been more obvious:

Is TMZ so ignorant that they've never heard of physicist Albert Einstein and R&B supergroup The Supremes, the wild haired geniuses of the 20th century? I've given this a lot of thought, and the only conclusion I come to is "yes, I am right."  ¶ 4:05 PM 1 Comments   

  Truth

I am lucky. When the truth comes to me, I'm allowed to say it. I'm allowed to speak my mind. As an artist, that's what I get paid to do. Champion the truth. Be the world's conscience. Expose the liars.

Apparently, my label doesn't agree.

They think I'm a puppet with a guitar, who should sing pop songs about sex. There's a time and a place for that kind of frivolousness, but sorry guys. We're at war. Not just with Al-Qaeda, but with ourselves. With censorship.

I am a blues singer now, and with that title comes great responsibility. There's fifty years of history on my shoulders. So, while I make my living belting songs in stadiums, this is the quiet place where I will shout the loudest! I will sing the blues of our society right here, right now.

"I've seen all good people turn their heads each day / so satisfied I'm on my way." Well, not anymore, guys. Not anymore.  ¶ 3:25 PM 1 Comments