Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Jessica and I Have Loud and Amazing Sex. Do You?
Another testament to my reputation:
* Lots of loud moaning, and I'm not talking about When Harry Met Sally moaning. I'm talking about moaning moaning, and lots of it!
* She goes crazy! She thrashes around, just like in the movies.
* Her cheeks are pale. Girls who are blushing red haven't experienced the real deal, they're just a little embarassed. No color means no blood flow from the head to the pelvic region (aka love central nervous center).
* There's no "clench." Girls who fake orgasms try to stimulate themselves by clenching the inner vagina muscles. If she's clenching towards the end, it means you're not working hard enough.
* Right after orgasm, she gets up and wants to walk around. She's so excited that she can't sit still.
Consider this karmic retribution if I kept you up that night in Rome. To paraphrase Kermit the Frog, "it's not easy being sexy."
Another testament to my reputation:Jessica Simpson stunned guests at a Rome hotel by romping noisily with her lover John Mayer, it has been claimed. [...] 'Jessica and John got back fairly early and stayed in all night. But by the sounds of it, they didn't get to sleep for a long time.'"I have many skills. Singer, songwriter, stand-up comic, airsickness bag collector, but love-maker is probably my greatest skill of all. The proof is in the shrieks of pure orgasmic bliss. Oh, you wonder if she's faking it? Ha. Believe me, I've been around the block, and after so many times -- you know. Other guys might get duped, but these are ways you can always tell if an orgasm was real:
* Lots of loud moaning, and I'm not talking about When Harry Met Sally moaning. I'm talking about moaning moaning, and lots of it!
* She goes crazy! She thrashes around, just like in the movies.
* Her cheeks are pale. Girls who are blushing red haven't experienced the real deal, they're just a little embarassed. No color means no blood flow from the head to the pelvic region (aka love central nervous center).
* There's no "clench." Girls who fake orgasms try to stimulate themselves by clenching the inner vagina muscles. If she's clenching towards the end, it means you're not working hard enough.
* Right after orgasm, she gets up and wants to walk around. She's so excited that she can't sit still.
Consider this karmic retribution if I kept you up that night in Rome. To paraphrase Kermit the Frog, "it's not easy being sexy."
Comments:
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This is so wrong it's not even funny!
1. When it's really good you can't even breathe enough to make a sound.
2. If she's thrashing around, you're hurting her.
3. Her neck and chest will have red/pink glow during orgasm.
4. The vaginal muscles quickly clench on their own during orgasm. If you can feel hard clenching, then you must be on the bottom and not hard anymore and she's faking.
5. When a guy really works it, you can't even move afterwards. You are paralyzed by ecstasy and probably seconds away from sleeping. As Ice Cube would say, "I knocked her so hard, I put her ass to sleep."
You've been duped my friend but it's ok.
1. When it's really good you can't even breathe enough to make a sound.
2. If she's thrashing around, you're hurting her.
3. Her neck and chest will have red/pink glow during orgasm.
4. The vaginal muscles quickly clench on their own during orgasm. If you can feel hard clenching, then you must be on the bottom and not hard anymore and she's faking.
5. When a guy really works it, you can't even move afterwards. You are paralyzed by ecstasy and probably seconds away from sleeping. As Ice Cube would say, "I knocked her so hard, I put her ass to sleep."
You've been duped my friend but it's ok.
Also, if she is thrashing around she could be putting on a show.
And when you get the Big Big 'o' your legs are like Jello and you're light-headed, so walking around is not happening. If you still have energy left, it's nervous energy because you weren't able to release it all.
I get the feeling this is tongue-in-cheek because you are too smart to be this off.
And when you get the Big Big 'o' your legs are like Jello and you're light-headed, so walking around is not happening. If you still have energy left, it's nervous energy because you weren't able to release it all.
I get the feeling this is tongue-in-cheek because you are too smart to be this off.
Not a good visual(or audio either, I imagine). What kind of person reports it to the media though! FYI, if it is pornstaresque, its fake.
And I have to agree 100% with anonymous on this one - no clench = no orgasm.
However, VOLUNTARY clenching might be done to create more contact points/friction and to try to accomodate or compensate for a size discrepancy. I'm not pointing any fingers, I'm just saying...
Also, if I were to hazard a guess, I would say you're missing a spot. That's all I'm gonna say and also, BARF!
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And I have to agree 100% with anonymous on this one - no clench = no orgasm.
However, VOLUNTARY clenching might be done to create more contact points/friction and to try to accomodate or compensate for a size discrepancy. I'm not pointing any fingers, I'm just saying...
Also, if I were to hazard a guess, I would say you're missing a spot. That's all I'm gonna say and also, BARF!
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