Thursday, March 22, 2007
An Open Letter To Fat People
Dear Fat People,
Hey guys. So, as one of you already knows, Jessica and I went to see my friend David's blues show at a place called "Hotel Cafe" the other night. It should have been a good time, except for the following problems:
Look, I don't hate fat people, but I hate the fact that fat people are so hard to maneuver around. Normally when a boring fan won't shut up, I can just say, "I gotta..." and then push him aside. However, try doing that with a fat person. It's incredibly difficult and awkward.
So I'm currently preparing a Fat Fan Emergency Kit for the summer tour, complete with limited edition CDs, posters, Pizza Bites, Double Stuff Oreos, Bearclaws, and Cadbury Cream Eggs. If I can't move you guys by force, I'll move you with kindness!
But just so we're clear, this food and merch bribe is so you'll leave me alone. Please don't start following me around just because you know I have Cream Eggs. They're 65 cents at Walgreens -- buy your own!
Thanks,
JM
Hey guys. So, as one of you already knows, Jessica and I went to see my friend David's blues show at a place called "Hotel Cafe" the other night. It should have been a good time, except for the following problems:
- The place is called "Hotel Cafe." That's lame -- pick one and roll with it.
- I kept having to poke Jessica to keep her awake. Embarassing...
- There was a really sweaty fat guy who wouldn't stop talking to me.
Look, I don't hate fat people, but I hate the fact that fat people are so hard to maneuver around. Normally when a boring fan won't shut up, I can just say, "I gotta..." and then push him aside. However, try doing that with a fat person. It's incredibly difficult and awkward.So I'm currently preparing a Fat Fan Emergency Kit for the summer tour, complete with limited edition CDs, posters, Pizza Bites, Double Stuff Oreos, Bearclaws, and Cadbury Cream Eggs. If I can't move you guys by force, I'll move you with kindness!
But just so we're clear, this food and merch bribe is so you'll leave me alone. Please don't start following me around just because you know I have Cream Eggs. They're 65 cents at Walgreens -- buy your own!
Thanks,
JM
Comments:
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Sux being a celeb, eh?
I think the coolest job ever would be a backup singer/performer - all the perks, none of the hassle. Do your thing and keep your anonymity. :)
Being a former "fat person" I feel for the guy - it isn't everyday he has the opportunity to be up close and personal with an idol. I mean, they already low enough self-esteem, what have they got to lose by pissing in your Wheaties?
I think the coolest job ever would be a backup singer/performer - all the perks, none of the hassle. Do your thing and keep your anonymity. :)
Being a former "fat person" I feel for the guy - it isn't everyday he has the opportunity to be up close and personal with an idol. I mean, they already low enough self-esteem, what have they got to lose by pissing in your Wheaties?
I would love to be your backup singer. You need a beautiful black woman with a sultry voice on stage with you. Someone for the men [and you] to drool over. ~i~
Although I didn't assume that your letter was meant for me, I read it anyway and I would still like to address your problems:
1. "Hotel Cafe" sounds cool but HELLO, its a club that serves food. Of course there's gonna be fat people there. Where else would they be? If you really want to avoid fat people, you/Jessica may have to learn to cook like everyone else.
2. Whether your girlfriend was bored with DRH or with you, either way, I say, you don't need that crap. Move on. What's she so sleepy about anyway?
3. I think that the root of the problem here is not fat, sweaty, or sleepy. It is boredom. You were bored with the fan and she was bored with, let's say, the evening.
Besides, if you start carrying chocolate around with you, Pied Piper-style, you will never know if the females are into you or are having a PMS craving.
4. Pizza Bites? Haha. Funny.
5. I'm totally craving an Easter Cream Egg now! Thanks!
1. "Hotel Cafe" sounds cool but HELLO, its a club that serves food. Of course there's gonna be fat people there. Where else would they be? If you really want to avoid fat people, you/Jessica may have to learn to cook like everyone else.
2. Whether your girlfriend was bored with DRH or with you, either way, I say, you don't need that crap. Move on. What's she so sleepy about anyway?
3. I think that the root of the problem here is not fat, sweaty, or sleepy. It is boredom. You were bored with the fan and she was bored with, let's say, the evening.
Besides, if you start carrying chocolate around with you, Pied Piper-style, you will never know if the females are into you or are having a PMS craving.
4. Pizza Bites? Haha. Funny.
5. I'm totally craving an Easter Cream Egg now! Thanks!
I'm not overweight, but I haven't had a bearclaw in forever. There's a possibility that I might come up to you and get on your nerves just for the bearclaw.
Pizza bites... nice touch. :)
Pizza bites... nice touch. :)
So, I'm just curious, what was said "fat fan" yammering about? And did you really try and do the "I gotta..." shove technique? Maybe next time you could just shove Jessica in front of you like a force field! That might distract the fat fan and keep her awake! Problems solved!:)
speaking of fat people. have you seen the movie "just friends"? i've been watching it on hbo for the last week and i swear it's hilarious. it also makes fun of your woman and papa joe. watch it,you'll piss your pants AND it'll make u wanna to hug that fat fan the next time u see him. -m
EVERYONE
NOW COME ON DO YOU REALLY THINK JOHN IS WRITING THIS SHIT. IF YOU TAKE A LOOK AROUND AT OTHER BLOGS YOU'LL NOTICE THERE ON THE SAME LEVEL AS THIS ONE RUDE AND SICK.
IF YOU HAVE EVER READ ANYTHING ABOUT THIS SITE THERE KNOW FOR PRANKS. AND THERE PULLING THE BIGGEST ONE ON THE PEOPLE THAT READ THE BLOGS THINKING THERE FROM REAL ARTIST. IF THE TRUTH CAME TO BE IT'S THE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR LG WRITING THESE BLOGS. READ JOHNS OWN BLOG AND YOU'LL KNOW THERES A DIFFERENT FEEL TO THEM.
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NOW COME ON DO YOU REALLY THINK JOHN IS WRITING THIS SHIT. IF YOU TAKE A LOOK AROUND AT OTHER BLOGS YOU'LL NOTICE THERE ON THE SAME LEVEL AS THIS ONE RUDE AND SICK.
IF YOU HAVE EVER READ ANYTHING ABOUT THIS SITE THERE KNOW FOR PRANKS. AND THERE PULLING THE BIGGEST ONE ON THE PEOPLE THAT READ THE BLOGS THINKING THERE FROM REAL ARTIST. IF THE TRUTH CAME TO BE IT'S THE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR LG WRITING THESE BLOGS. READ JOHNS OWN BLOG AND YOU'LL KNOW THERES A DIFFERENT FEEL TO THEM.
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