Sorry, I Won't Get Naked For You

Last night's concert at Northern Illinois University was incredibly hot, because I was like the sun, beating down on a crowd of college girls. A lot of girls held up signs, begging me to get naked on stage. However, as we've learned from global warming, even the sun has to draw the line somewhere. That's why I've got to break a lot of hearts by saying the following selection of tear-inducing words:

I will never get naked on stage.

Listen, ladies. I know some rockers, like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, will go on stage with nothing but their guitars. But let's be fair -- those guys are ugly. And I don't mean Steve Buscemi, indie-cool ugly. I mean, their faces make a handsome person, such as myself, want to vomit. They get naked on stage because they have nothing left to lose. At least they'll feel like they got some kind of action that night.

I'm in a whole other league. Women want me, especially college girls, the sweetest fruit on the vine. They throw themselves at me, whether I'm on stage, going to the supermarket -- hell, there's a girl at my hotel window right now, as I write this blog post. Will I just stand up and get naked for her? No. But I will invite her inside, put on a seductive song about bodies being wonderlands, and make love to that 19-year-old hard, sweet, and very fast, cause I have a busy schedule.

My point is this: I won't get naked during a show, but if you give my security guard and my best friend from back east, T-Bone, a few "special favors," it'll increase your odds of a private show by at least 15-18%.  ¶ 10:07 AM