Eve of the Chipmunks

So I have some amazing news about the Chipmunk Movie! This is so exciting but before I can tell you what the news is I need to tell you a little story. You see earlier this week I was really close to quitting the film. It all started on Saturday when I was watching loads and loads of Chipmunk episodes, all the ones with the Chipettes! (BTW: To all my fans who wrote in, yes I know the Chipettes won’t get as much screen time as the Chipmunks, but I’m okay with that. Mom says that high profile supporting roles like this are really good for my career.) So anyway around the same time my friend Eve Ensler came over. She was in town to attend a performance of the Vagina Monologues at UCLA and wanted to check in on me and see how my yeast infection was doing (almost back to normal down there, thank goodness.) So I told her about my big new part and invited her to watch The Chipmunk Adventure with me. Well she was appalled! And once she explained to me why she was appalled I was appalled too! Just watch this scene!

Okay, I know most of you out there aren’t literary geniuses like Eve but let me explain. That scene isn’t really about the Chipettes singing to some snakes cuase those aren’t really even snakes. Eve says they’re penises. She says getting lucky is just another way of saying “having sex” and since the Chipettes are singing to the penises in order to save themselves pretty much the message of the movie is that girls should have sex with anyone who threatens them. She told me that if I was in the Chipmunk movie I’d be allowing a whole new generation of women to get raped. Well I’m sorry, I couldn’t do that. If my movie Hound Dog had gotten picked up by a distributor then you would have seen it and you would know how much I hate rape.

But then Eve had a great idea. She said she would write the Chipmunk movie. If she wrote it she could subvert the Chipmunks chauvinistic agenda and make it a film that empowers girls to fight back against their male suppressors! She even said she’d write in a scene where Dave Seville gets his dick cut off. But I think she was joking about that (LOL).

At first Tim Hill, the director of the movie, was all upset and threatened to fire me. But Eve told him that it would look really bad if he didn’t let her write it and the studio would just fire him and re-hire me and her anyway. So he gave in. Eve said you can get anything you want if you just play the gender card a little and I think she’s so right. (Plus Tim’s last movie Zoom as like this mega-bomb so his clout meter is like at zero.) Now I can’t wait to see what Eve’s version of the Chipmunk movie will be. The only thing for sure is it will be amazing.

Talk to you all later.

I'm A Chipmunk!

Oh my gosh, totally huge news you guys. My agent said I needed to keep this under wraps until it was official but we just signed the last of the paperwork so I guess I can spill. I just got cast as ALL THREE CHIPETTES in the upcoming Alvin and the Chipmunks movie! Not just Brittany or Jeanette or Eleanor but all three of them! We’re gonna do it with one of those weird-o motion capture suits like they did in Lord of the Rings. I’ll do my acting and then they’ll feed it into a computer and turn me into a chipmunk girl! And then we’ll do it again two more times so I’m also a fat chipmunk girl and a chipmunk girl wearing glasses! Then they’ll put all three up on screen at the same time so there are three chipmunk mes on screen at the same time! I can’t wait! This will be a chance for me to really show off my acting range and my singing ability. My mom says I’ll b e just like Peter Sellers. I don’t know who that is. But it’ll totally be like Eddie Murphy in Norbit! YAY NORBIT!

Anyway! I have to go watch some Chipmunks on YouTube to start getting ready for my roles. Talk to you soon!

SO IMMATURE!

So I went out on another date with Dominic James because my mom made me. God I hate him, he is so immature. First we spent three stupid hours at Chucky Cheese and let me tell you something that little idiot couldn’t hit a whack a mole if its legs were broken. I won all the tickets that night (I am so good at that game where you role the coin down the ramp and get it into that spinning hole. I would have won more if it wasn’t being hogged by those Chinese girls.) But after I won all the tickets he insisted on picking out the toy we got. He picked a giant stuffed Donkey from Shrek. Honestly I can’t think of a bigger waste of prize tickets.

But then the worst thing came when we went back to his place. He asked me if I wanted to touch his penis. I didn’t know what to do so I just said “yes”. I was so shocked it was all I could do. So he tells me to close my eyes and stick out my hand which I do… but when I feel something g it wasn’t a penis at all. IT WAS A PIECE OF POOP! He put am piece of poop in my! What a baby! Oh and his poop smells so bad! My hand still smells bad today. His mom is so neglectful. All he eats is stuff off the Wendy’s 99 cents menu and you can totally tell. Anyway, I still have my Yeast infection and I just know this isn’t going to help. But he thought this was all so hilarious! He laughed about it like it was the funniest thing in the world.

Well the jokes on you Dominic James! Now the whole world knows about this and you’ll never get a girl to touch your penis!

Shut Up Dominic James!

Oh gosh you guys. It's been a rough week, seriously I usually like to try and keep a happy face on here. I mean I know you don't come here for a big fat extra value meal of bad attitude. I'm a celebrity and I know it's my responsibility to keep the rest of the world happy. But this week, well let me tell you about it...

It all started out so exciting! My mom and my press agent had come to the collective decision that thirteen is the appropriate age for a young lady to start dating and they picked out what seemed like a really cool first date for me. His name was Dominic James. You may have seen him recently, he plays Billy in the new movie Wild Hogs. Well it was all perfect, he’s less than a week older than me and we have the same agent so mom thought we’d be really compatible.

But on our date he just wouldn’t shut up about how successful his movie was. I don’t like to begrudge anyone their success but he’s so not the reason that movie brought in 38 million dollars. But he acted as if he shared equal billing with Martin Laurence, Tim Allen, John Travolta and William H. Mace. But come on! His name wasn’t even on the poster. War of the Worlds made like three times that it’s opening weekend and I WAS on the poster for that but I didn’t going around bragging about it. But anyway we get to CPK and he’s just all like oh… Wild Hogs this and Wild Hogs that. Telling me how hard it is to do comedy. Like Cat in the Hat wasn’t a comedy or something. Like playing against John Travolta is harder then playing off Mike Myers. Ugh… I tried to enjoy my spinach did, and buffalo wing pizza but I just couldn’t stand him. It was like he was trying to make me feel bad for taking more artistic roles recently. I’d like to see him molested on film. Then we’ll see who the real actor is.

Well the date couldn’t have ended quicker. But all week he wouldn’t stop calling me for another date and my Mom kept insisting that I said yes. “Being part of a couple will be good for your image” she says. Please, once the world figures out what a scumbag Dominic James is dating him will be like virtual career suicide.

You listen to me Dominic James, you have nothing to do with why Wild Hogs made so much money. You hear me! Stop taking credit for Tim Allen’s accomplishments.

My Sweet 13

Hi hi everybody. Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve updated… I know I’m bad. But let me tell you, the last few weeks of my life have been the craziest ever. Like crazier then any episode of Spider Rider you’ve ever seen.

Where to begin?

Well last time we talked I had just contracted a Yeast Infection after Eve Ensler told me to stick chocolate up my Vagina. Now ordinarily any girl is major bummed when her vagina turns into an easy bake oven but this was worse then you can imagine cuase I’m sure as you all know my birthday was only a few days away. I had to get rid of that yeast infection and get rid of it quick. My Doctor said the best way to do that was to cut down on bread, make sure I wipe properly and also air out my Vagina as much as possible. So I figured what better way to do that then go to Nude Beach. Now the only really exclusive (a famous little actress can’t show off her privates just anywhere you know) nude resort community I could find in the southern California area was a place called San Vicente!

When I got there I admit I was still a little nervous. Especially after I saw the place was filled with all men. I know what kind of impure thoughts full grown men can have about underage girls like me now that I made my movie Hound Dog but they were all really nice and none of them were at all interested me sexually! BUT THE LOVED ALL MY MOVIES!

I had so much fun with my new friends Lance, Terry, Tug, Swank, Miss Burdy (he was a man bun insisted I call him Miss) Little Frog and all the rest. We had so much fun together that we totally forgot that we were all naked! They taught me about show tunes and water aerobics and all sorts of really neat stuff.

Unfortunately one of the best friends I made there, Simon, was keeping a secret from me. He was dying of Aids! When all my friends told me that I marched straight up to him and told him and let him know that he was being silly, there’s no situation so bad that you should keep it from your friends. He just looked sad and said that his birthday was coming up and he was worried that it would be his last one.

Well guess what! We ad the exact same birthday! I couldn’t believe it! And I tell you one thing America, no one does not have fun on my birthday especially when it’s their birthday too. So I told him we could do whatever he wanted for our special day and since I’m so rich I’d pay for it all. He said he wanted to die by me pushing him into a volcano.

So it was off to Brazil to the top of Mt. Guyez where I did just that! It was sad to see Simon's flesh be eaten by the scalding hot lava but it made me feel better to think tha this insides were being eaten by super aids.

Well anyway, the sulfur and heat from the Volcano actually made my Yeast infection worst but it was still the best vacation ever because I helped my friend fufill his dream of being murdered by a volcano!