Eve of the Chipmunks

So I have some amazing news about the Chipmunk Movie! This is so exciting but before I can tell you what the news is I need to tell you a little story. You see earlier this week I was really close to quitting the film. It all started on Saturday when I was watching loads and loads of Chipmunk episodes, all the ones with the Chipettes! (BTW: To all my fans who wrote in, yes I know the Chipettes won’t get as much screen time as the Chipmunks, but I’m okay with that. Mom says that high profile supporting roles like this are really good for my career.) So anyway around the same time my friend Eve Ensler came over. She was in town to attend a performance of the Vagina Monologues at UCLA and wanted to check in on me and see how my yeast infection was doing (almost back to normal down there, thank goodness.) So I told her about my big new part and invited her to watch The Chipmunk Adventure with me. Well she was appalled! And once she explained to me why she was appalled I was appalled too! Just watch this scene!

Okay, I know most of you out there aren’t literary geniuses like Eve but let me explain. That scene isn’t really about the Chipettes singing to some snakes cuase those aren’t really even snakes. Eve says they’re penises. She says getting lucky is just another way of saying “having sex” and since the Chipettes are singing to the penises in order to save themselves pretty much the message of the movie is that girls should have sex with anyone who threatens them. She told me that if I was in the Chipmunk movie I’d be allowing a whole new generation of women to get raped. Well I’m sorry, I couldn’t do that. If my movie Hound Dog had gotten picked up by a distributor then you would have seen it and you would know how much I hate rape.

But then Eve had a great idea. She said she would write the Chipmunk movie. If she wrote it she could subvert the Chipmunks chauvinistic agenda and make it a film that empowers girls to fight back against their male suppressors! She even said she’d write in a scene where Dave Seville gets his dick cut off. But I think she was joking about that (LOL).

At first Tim Hill, the director of the movie, was all upset and threatened to fire me. But Eve told him that it would look really bad if he didn’t let her write it and the studio would just fire him and re-hire me and her anyway. So he gave in. Eve said you can get anything you want if you just play the gender card a little and I think she’s so right. (Plus Tim’s last movie Zoom as like this mega-bomb so his clout meter is like at zero.) Now I can’t wait to see what Eve’s version of the Chipmunk movie will be. The only thing for sure is it will be amazing.

Talk to you all later.