I love sharks, a lot!!! But if a great white ever got this close to me, I'd definitely lose it.

The black and white cat is really determined to understand what's going on. But, I think the white cat just wanders over to provide moral support.

Apparently, if you drink green tea, you develop strange boob enlarging abilities.

Rue McClanahan (1934-2010)

I'm not promoting anything, Homeland Security can worry about REAL things, but...tonight, West Hollywood will burn!!! People will take to the streets, move Betty White to an undisclosed safe house, and challenge Death to a duel. It'll kinda be a practice for the Rapture, since the same people will be around for both.

I'm not joking, does anyone have a visual confirmation on Betty White? This is not a drill, much like Highlander (a movie or TV show I've never actually seen), there is only one Golden Girl *sob*

This weekend Steve Jobs and Gawker blogger Ryan Tate got into a little email fight where one basically accused the other of being an ass and the other responded by basically calling the other guy an ass, all because of nerd reasons that we won't get into right now. The only good little nugget from this email exchange is that Steve Jobs - the guy who makes the machine that you use to wank off on internet porn every night while pretending to watch Jimmy Fallon - is trying to protect your freedoms. Specifically, Freedom from Porn.

(image via topherchris)

Sure! You think having big boobs is the life, but no. You would be very, very wrong. Take this lady, for example. She can't move from her bed, but that's not all! She's speaking in foreign tongues -- and the same with everyone else in this video! They've been cursed by the devil!

Have big boobs? Want to be a total spoil sport and hide them from the world? Then the Cami Secret is for you!

Even if plastic surgery can't fix what's inside, it can provide a serious distraction.

(Look at my boobs, now look at my dent.....look at my boobs, now look at my dent. You're growing sleepy and sympathetic to my problems.)

You don't have to go under the knife like Heidi Montag if you want to enlarge your breasts and look like an Boob Alien. Now you just have to know Photoshop! Just watch this video to learn all you need to know to turn your hand-sized boobs into ones that need to be carried by a wheelbarrow.

Well, he has no sponsors except for the BastardCard, which exists only in our dreams. Tiger is at the Masters this week trying to make people forgot that he boned about 240 porn stars, waitresses and all around normals with big boobs and a love for eccentric sex play. We wish him luck with that.

April Fool's Day is amateaur hour, but that doesn't mean you should sit this one out. Everybody knows at least one sucker. Here are a few of our favorite Sabotages to help you in your April 1st pranks.

Spanish Castle Illusion

Watch Out For Strangers

Your Friend Is A Facebook Slut

Color Vision Deficiency

Slow Motion Boob Flasher

Are You Going To Heaven or Hell?

Online Huntin

Why the hell were we born in America? Why couldn't we be born in Japanese, a country that's entirely AWESOME AND CONFUSING AND OBSESSED WITH BOOBS? Really. Things there are just so much more exciting, like this commercial. IS THAT A FREAKING DOG OR A LLAMA? We don't know and we just don't care because whatever it is WE WANT TO CUDDLE WITH IT. Everything the Japanese make -- from game shows to porn -- is the highest of psycheldelic/freakshow-esque perfection. Or simply, they are a sneak peak at what humans will be in the distant future.

Finally. FIN-A-LLY. Our dream woman with the dream boobs and dream ass is single. Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are over. We don't know why yet, but we can only guess it has something to do with Reggie maybe realizing he's gay, because HOW WOULD ANY STRAIGHT MAN BREAK UP WITH KIM KARDASHIAN? We don't care if her brain is filled with Cracker Jacks or her family is bats**t insane or her stepfather's face looks like a lizard (Hi, Mr. Jenner!). AHHHHHH! KIM KARDASHIAN IS SINGLE! Those words give us hope that our penis doesn't have to live a lifetime without the gentle caress of Kim's booby body.

Below are the only two photos of Kim Kardashian that really matter.

American Apparel just ended their Best Bottom In The World contest; you can see the top three butts right here. There were over a thousand entries, and the winner will be flown to LA for a special photoshoot, but if their really lucky they'll probably be sexual harrassed by CEO Dov Charney (yippee!)!

This competition is a little crazy. I mean, forget about the Top 3 Best Butts...here are the Top 20. For the life of me I cannot figure out what is wrong with any of these or how one can be better than the other. They all look the same and by "same" I mean I would shoot a dozen puppies just to see them in person. Don't believe me? Just try it, ladies! Come to my office and see what will happen!

But what about the big time losers in this contest? Did anybody really submit a butt that wasn't attractive? I clicked my mouse over a hundred times to find out.

THE TOP 5 UGLIEST BUTTS IN THE WORLD

Now, there were a bunch of people with scores of zero. We're not going to count those because they probably entered the contest late and their butts are just too nice to be losers, so we suspect there is a glitch in The Matrix. We just took the lowest of the scores that weren't 0.0. Here's what we found.

5. Carlos. Score: 1.24

Why did they let dudes enter this contest? A major fail on the part of the organizers. Plus, his photo is in black & white. Fail on top of Fail.

4. Alisa. Score: 1.22

I'm not sure where the ass is on this lady, or if it's really a lady. It could be a dude like Carlos. I don't really want to investigate any further.

3. JL. Score: 1.21

Hairy legs! A Sure winner we tell you (maybe in Afghanistan)!

2. Shyla. Score: 1.19

Am I missing something? Where is this lady's butt? Did it fall off on her way to the meth lab? I really want to know as to avoid the town she live in.

And the #1 Ugliest Butt In The World....

1. Raggedy. Score: 1.17

There is no cottage cheese in this woman's butt. It's pure milkshake. 2%. And thank God she's wearing black underwear. We don't really want to know what's happening behind that bikini.

(via American Apparel's Best Bottom Contest)