Let Tom Cruise tell you all about Scientology, Xenu and how you can give yourself a free auditing test!

This week Britney Spears is knocked up, Tom Cruise is a Mommy, and Carson Daly is still a douche bag.

Cyber skin removed, this is what Tom really looks like. No self respecting gay man should ever let himself get this fat. Queericide, it’s the only answer.

Wait a minute.. Who wants their teeth to get darker?

Is Marie Osmond "dancing with an eating disorder" again? Or did all of the bright lights and Tom Bergeron's voice finally become too nauseating?

In theaters 11-9-07. Robert Redford, Meryl Streep and Tom Cruise star in Lions For Lambs, a powerful and gripping story that digs behind the news, the politics and a nation divided to explore the human consequences of a complicated war.

Tom Cruise and Katie "Robot" Holmes have used the power of Xenu to fast forward time to see what their beautiful baby girl will look like. My eyes… my eyes.

A world-renowned gay bar caught fire this week. In typical fashion, the gays used it as en excuse to party and freak out the squares. Tom Cruise had no comment.

Tom & Katie boogied their butts off at the Beckhams "Welcome to America" party – apparently the chicken dance makes Tom sweat!

Chrisopher Blue has apparently been soaked in booze. Was he drunk during his session? No, BUT every review I have read about him compares his songs to Tom Waits and says he has “blues-soaked vocals.” I dunno about all that, but I do know this is one helluva performance. Watch it…now!

This movie trailer mash-up sets Tom Hanks as the world's greatest international spy!

Classic SNL skit where "Tom Brokaw" tapes possible outcomes if Gerald Ford were to die. I personally like the wild dogs attack.

Tom Cruise got fired, Israel is fired up, and Survivor is heating up… with racism! Philip Norris has the stories, unless he embarrasses himself trying to rap.

Here is Part 2 of our awesome game where you are kidnapped by the Church of Scientology and sent to their evil world headquarters in Scientology Land. This one’s called, “The Wrath of Tom Cruise.”

Watch Tom Cruise dance like a white man! Weeeeee!

What’s with Tom Cruise naming his Scientology baby Suri? How about Gwyneth Paltrow’s baby, Moses? Why do celebrities insist on naming their babies such stupid names?

A video mashup of Tom Cruise being smacked down by Oprah. Oh how we love us some mashups!

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.