Jessica is the world's fattest child – and American. It's bizarre that this news story is done by German television, but it just makes me think of that chocolate-loving foreign exchange student on the Simpsons, and I giggle. P.S., you'll probably recognize her sofa-dance.

The E! Entertainment Television building got a bomb threat this morning, but luckily Ryan Seacrest got out alive! (With his Aston Martin.)

Paula Abdul got wasted and then did and interview on live television. Brilliant!!!

I find Futurama to be lacking the kind of grit abd edginess I need in a cable television cartoon. Maybe they can Cowboy Bebop it up a notch.

How much useless information did you retain this year? Put your 2006 know-how to the test in four different categories: music, movies, television and celebrities.

Zack and Slater duke it out like pansies in one of the gayest fight scenes from early-90s television!

Check out how this chick passes out on live television!

Whoose Boobs walks the red carpet with televisions finest.

Watch Connie Chung say good by to her television show in a completely awkward way. However, she is looking pretty hot.

Watch James Brown in this television interview from a long, long time ago. Is he drunk? Is he high? The only thing that's certain is that he's a crackhead.

Video game graphics are so good these days it looks like they can just pop out from the television and grab your balls.

When swearing on live television, always remember to wash your mouth out with soap.