This weekend Steve Jobs and Gawker blogger Ryan Tate got into a little email fight where one basically accused the other of being an ass and the other responded by basically calling the other guy an ass, all because of nerd reasons that we won't get into right now. The only good little nugget from this email exchange is that Steve Jobs - the guy who makes the machine that you use to wank off on internet porn every night while pretending to watch Jimmy Fallon - is trying to protect your freedoms. Specifically, Freedom from Porn.

(image via topherchris)

Sure! You think having big boobs is the life, but no. You would be very, very wrong. Take this lady, for example. She can't move from her bed, but that's not all! She's speaking in foreign tongues -- and the same with everyone else in this video! They've been cursed by the devil!

Have big boobs? Want to be a total spoil sport and hide them from the world? Then the Cami Secret is for you!

Even if plastic surgery can't fix what's inside, it can provide a serious distraction.

(Look at my boobs, now look at my dent.....look at my boobs, now look at my dent. You're growing sleepy and sympathetic to my problems.)

You don't have to go under the knife like Heidi Montag if you want to enlarge your breasts and look like an Boob Alien. Now you just have to know Photoshop! Just watch this video to learn all you need to know to turn your hand-sized boobs into ones that need to be carried by a wheelbarrow.

Well, he has no sponsors except for the BastardCard, which exists only in our dreams. Tiger is at the Masters this week trying to make people forgot that he boned about 240 porn stars, waitresses and all around normals with big boobs and a love for eccentric sex play. We wish him luck with that.

April Fool's Day is amateaur hour, but that doesn't mean you should sit this one out. Everybody knows at least one sucker. Here are a few of our favorite Sabotages to help you in your April 1st pranks.

Spanish Castle Illusion

Watch Out For Strangers

Your Friend Is A Facebook Slut

Color Vision Deficiency

Slow Motion Boob Flasher

Are You Going To Heaven or Hell?

Online Huntin

Why the hell were we born in America? Why couldn't we be born in Japanese, a country that's entirely AWESOME AND CONFUSING AND OBSESSED WITH BOOBS? Really. Things there are just so much more exciting, like this commercial. IS THAT A FREAKING DOG OR A LLAMA? We don't know and we just don't care because whatever it is WE WANT TO CUDDLE WITH IT. Everything the Japanese make -- from game shows to porn -- is the highest of psycheldelic/freakshow-esque perfection. Or simply, they are a sneak peak at what humans will be in the distant future.

Finally. FIN-A-LLY. Our dream woman with the dream boobs and dream ass is single. Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are over. We don't know why yet, but we can only guess it has something to do with Reggie maybe realizing he's gay, because HOW WOULD ANY STRAIGHT MAN BREAK UP WITH KIM KARDASHIAN? We don't care if her brain is filled with Cracker Jacks or her family is bats**t insane or her stepfather's face looks like a lizard (Hi, Mr. Jenner!). AHHHHHH! KIM KARDASHIAN IS SINGLE! Those words give us hope that our penis doesn't have to live a lifetime without the gentle caress of Kim's booby body.

Below are the only two photos of Kim Kardashian that really matter.

Your Penance for coming to this website: Say 10 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers and bow to Lindsay Lohan's boobs.

When we first saw this picture of Mad Men star Christina Hendricks on the cover of New York magazine two things immediatly came to our mind: 1) This is the perfect women and 2) We will never have a shot at her because she obviously marries ugly douchebags, of which we are not because we were born with the handsome gene (this is a total lie. Everyone who works at LG is pretty much the ugliest person on the planet and if one of us were to come face to face with Mrs. Booby Hendricks, she would surely vomit into our mouths.).

And this is who's banging/married to Christina. I know! He's some actor I guess, and not even a famous one! His name is Geoffrey Arend and he looks sickly, like he might die at any minute.

Hey, it's me again. LiquidGeneration's illustrator and functioning illiterate. Hola!

So I came across this weird website, ChatRoulette.com. It's a website that connects you instantly with a random stranger. Only you don't just chat, you interact with webcam and audio (you have the option to turn these off, but I never do because I like being creepy). Sounds exciting, right?

I ran some numbers on the site because I like math. The average age of the people chatting is about 20-years-old, though I did see a couple of kids and a man with a beard so long and gray he reminded me of Santa (my hero!).

The gender ratio is really imbalanced. For every 20 guys there is 1 girl (and even a couple girls that are really dudes). Most of the people are just guys with a frowned faces looking pathetic and depressing. It depressed me even just looking at them for half a second.

There are some girls, however most of them are too ugly to get a date.  Then there are the mixed groups of guys and girls sitting at the computer together, which I guess is a little better than sitting there by yourself looking like a serial killer.

If people don't want to show their faces, they usually put signs up in place of themselves. They write things like "Tits or GTFO." I even saw a teddy bear wearing dark shades with a note that read "Cure My Blindness, Show Your Tits." So I did, even though mine are really small. The most shocking sign was "Show Tits for Haiti." I didn't do this because that would be wrong. And again, my boobs are really small and mannish so what would be the point? I'm not on the internet to upset people.

One of the more disappointing moments came when I chatted with a guy for a whole minute. I asked him to make a peace sign because I wanted to see if he'd follow my commands like a monkey, but he just smirked, flipped me off and disconnected!  

So go ahead, talk to strangers! It's fun!

Also! Here are my statistics for approximately 100 chats I had on ChatRoulette these past two days. "Others" consist of pets, stuffed animals and drugs. Yes, somebody wanted me to talk to their bong.

And just so you get a sense of the type of people going to ChatRoulette, her are some of our favs that we found during our chat sesh:

He's going to snipe your penis! Watch out!

NBA superstar look alike Yao Ming! :p

i wish they all could be California girls.

So here at LiquidGeneration, we kind of have an open porn policy when it comes to looking at dirty things on the internet. I mean, somebody has to find the boobs for Whoose Boobs, and sometimes when browsing the interwebs for breasteses, you run into naked things, and sometimes those naked things are doing wrong things. Very wrong things. But! LG isn't your normal work environment. Most of you are sitting in a cubicle right now pretending to work on really serious things. We feel sorry for you. In fact, some of you are so bored that you're looking at naked things on the internet, and that's ok! Really! As long as you don't get caught by your boss or the HR department. Or if you don't get caught on national TV like a total asshat, like this guy.

Update: Apparently this guy is on leave this week from work. He might be fired, you guys! There's already an online campaign to save his job.

Mad Men's Christina Hendricks is probably the most important women in showbiz. Her national treasures (BOOBS, FYI) should be protected by the government forever. Also, her husband should be killed so we could marry her. It would be nice, just sayin'. Wouldn't you agree?

(via The Superficial)

Some of you may know that besides writing blog posts about teen superstars and my eventual relationship with Dakota Fanning, I am also a screenwriter. I have written four feature screenplays, and of course, like 99% of all screenwriters, no one has even ever volunteered to read one of my scripts, much less produce it or air it a global television network (not even Spike).

Now, I wouldn't call any of my scripts works of total genius. They have mostly been exercises in futility with the hope of honing a skill that I can later sell to other poor schmucks that think that their story is worth seeing brought to life by Zach Efron and Suri Cruise (Silly Saturday rated PG for simulated farting noises). This said, I do think that all of my scripts are entertaining, and are better, more interesting than something say... A MONKEY COULD PUT TOGETHER! But I guess some "chaps," or more so, some "chimps,"  over at the BBC would disagree.

Apparently some chimpanzees have made a movie, and the BBC is going to air it despite a very weak plot line, worse cinematography than "Death Proof," and a total and blatant disregard for a hundred years of film making. Breaking the rules is something every aspiring filmmaker should try, but you have to understand the rules you are breaking to be groundbreaking.

Of course, just like James Cameron's Avatar, people are going to ignore all these flaws because of the fact that the chimps were using a new and special "chimp-proof camera" camera or "chimpcam." So what?! I've got a "chimp-proof camera." It's called a Flip HD.

Where can I go from here? I have hit rock bottom. I will never amount to anything. Maybe I should just start writing my outlines and treatments with my own poop.

Seriously, guys, chimps, bros, I'd love to work with you guys. I really respect your work and I have an outline for a ten movie series about a monkey named HAX. The whole thing is very high concept, so I can't say anything else without a deal in place. You love bananas. I love bananas. We could run this town. It's gonna be... bananas. Oh yeah, I definitely think we can get Gwen Stefani on board to do the soundtrack... yeah, and Ryan Gosling has already expressed interest.

"Take your stinking paws off my film industry, you damn dirty chimps!"  -Chuck McCarthy

Chuck McCarthy is the mastermind behind IdeasByChuck.com, where he gives away great ideas in the hopes that you turn them into reality and remember to send him a small percentage of your profits. He Twitters here and Tumbls here. Chuck will be guest blogging for LiquidGeneration today! 

Didn't really know Portman was into lesbians, but whatevs. ALWAYS NICE TO KNOW.

In what can only be described as pure Bonage Day at LiquidGeneration, we just received these photos of Heidi Montag. THEY ARE NOT EXCLUSVIE BUT THEY ARE PRETTY DARN SEXY, DEFINTELY SEXIER THAN JESSICA SIMPSON. WHO CARES ABOUT HER ANYWAY.

How much plastic surgery has she gotten? Supposedly over 10 surgeries in one sitting. But who cares about the details because the details are in her boobs. and everything else about her. We don't care that Spencer has turned her lower love-making extremities into a disaster area either. Sorry we sound like 12-year-olds right now, but really, just look at her.

And while we have your attention, Haiti needs your help. Do it for Heidi.

This baby is smart. We always fall for the "lady" with the nice boobs.