Here's Miley Cyrus, right before she stuffed that baby into her mouth and swallowed it whole. Just look at the expression on that baby's face: he knows he's going to die. It's heartbreaking. No baby should ever have to worry aout being eaten by Miley Cyrus.

Dear Southwest,

I was saddened to learn of the plight of Hollywood polymath Kevin Smith. It is unfortunate that as the world grows in size, airplane seating remains mired in an age of smaller, trimmer bee-hinds. Having been a Southwest fanatic since being old enough to purchase airfare, I would like to suggest amending the customers-of-size policy before a tsunami of lawsuits overflows my favorite airline much like customers’ cheeseburgers overflow your armrests.

I have always been perplexed by the arbitrary rules chiseled into air-travel. 50lb bags are ok but 50+a pair of shoes = $25. The armrest rule makes sense but the width of the armrests seems narrow for the times and the overhead compartments have been whittled into wedges that discourage no one from stuffing in their bulging closets. We need change. The country wants it. And being who you are, it should be you to trailblaze.

Unlike politics where the goal is to grow bigger and spend more, business change can happen economically. At your core, your business is little different from that of any parcel service. You shuttle parcels from point A to point B for profit. Yours only happen to have heartbeats. And whiney demands. And peanut allergies. But at the very very core, the business is the same. The heavier the load and the larger its dimensions, the higher the cost of freight. It simply costs more to ship Mr. Smith and his colleagues in circumference than a group of people gymnast-sized.

So how best to handle arbitrary body-sizes? Formulaically.

At the curb-side checkin, Southwest should install scales where the passenger, with all baggage will be weighed. The total weight is the burden of the airline based on which the fuel is purchased. Computers will also size up both the person and the carry-on and decide how best to seat them and how much space will be required to make things comfortable for everyone. Customers-of-width can easily be seated next to customers-of-length without too much negative effect. Since size is arbitrary, so should be the armrest widths, and all passengers can have the option to purchase as much width as they like on top of their required minimum. Analogy would be choosing the right-sized box for your parcel except the parcel is yourself. It must cover your shipment but beyond that, your box can be as big as your budget allows. All collected data will boil down to a price which would be the passenger’s fare. Those watching in horror as a Mr. Smith-size person lumbers towards that middle-seat will know that even though the flight will be unpleasant, Mr. Smith paid more for his than they did. He should considering his greater burden. Given that we humans are fairness-minded apes, that knowledge alone would make things better. At least until the TSA requires stasis for air travel at which point you’ll just be able to stack us up any which way. Just don’t beak our legs like you do our roller-wheels.

Love & Bacon Grease,

Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SFF - Southwest Fan Forever

http://www.helgasmailroom.com/

Me and Kevin, right before he ate that child.

Hey, it's me again. LiquidGeneration's illustrator and functioning illiterate. Hola!

So I came across this weird website, ChatRoulette.com. It's a website that connects you instantly with a random stranger. Only you don't just chat, you interact with webcam and audio (you have the option to turn these off, but I never do because I like being creepy). Sounds exciting, right?

I ran some numbers on the site because I like math. The average age of the people chatting is about 20-years-old, though I did see a couple of kids and a man with a beard so long and gray he reminded me of Santa (my hero!).

The gender ratio is really imbalanced. For every 20 guys there is 1 girl (and even a couple girls that are really dudes). Most of the people are just guys with a frowned faces looking pathetic and depressing. It depressed me even just looking at them for half a second.

There are some girls, however most of them are too ugly to get a date.  Then there are the mixed groups of guys and girls sitting at the computer together, which I guess is a little better than sitting there by yourself looking like a serial killer.

If people don't want to show their faces, they usually put signs up in place of themselves. They write things like "Tits or GTFO." I even saw a teddy bear wearing dark shades with a note that read "Cure My Blindness, Show Your Tits." So I did, even though mine are really small. The most shocking sign was "Show Tits for Haiti." I didn't do this because that would be wrong. And again, my boobs are really small and mannish so what would be the point? I'm not on the internet to upset people.

One of the more disappointing moments came when I chatted with a guy for a whole minute. I asked him to make a peace sign because I wanted to see if he'd follow my commands like a monkey, but he just smirked, flipped me off and disconnected!  

So go ahead, talk to strangers! It's fun!

Also! Here are my statistics for approximately 100 chats I had on ChatRoulette these past two days. "Others" consist of pets, stuffed animals and drugs. Yes, somebody wanted me to talk to their bong.

And just so you get a sense of the type of people going to ChatRoulette, her are some of our favs that we found during our chat sesh:

He's going to snipe your penis! Watch out!

NBA superstar look alike Yao Ming! :p

i wish they all could be California girls.

Inside Edition did a little makeover of Snooki and all we can say is BAM BLOOM BAM POW -- wait. She still looks pretty easy and stupid. She also looks at least 35, and like one of those aliens on V. IT'S HARD BEING A GUIDETTE.

(via Huffington Post - BTW, aren't they a political site. Why are they posting this stuff?)

There really is no way to prepare you for what you're about to see, so just watch this. It was sent to us via Chuck, who would like you to know that this is the type of porn he's really into these days. This and cute cat videos.

Gary Coleman (though we still like to call him Arnold) was arrested this weekend for murdering a blind child then stuffing her body in a drainage pipe where she was then eaten by coyotes. J/K! He was just arrested on a warrant stemming from a prior domestic assault charge. Anyway, look at his adorable face. Don't you just want to squeeze it and compare it to cute stuff, like, I don't know, dogs or something!

You know when you get really drunk and high from huffing spray paint (gold) out of a paper bag (brown) and you and your friends come up with the most AMAZING idea? These are the greatest ideas, right? Right?

What do you think would happen if for some reason you had access to all the elements and ingredients to make your ideas reality... Yeah and your grandparents owned some sweatshops where 12-year-olds slaved away making socks for the British Premier League, so you have a big trust fund. Basically, you have infinite resources. What do you think would happen?

Yeah, besides the first ever monkey, marshmallow go-cart champion being crowned, (Mr. Chattlebanks), because that's awesome.

What would happen?

You would make some pretty awful stuff, stuff that would amaze people on one level and one level only. Yeah, the "why-the-F-did-this-ever-get-made-and-who-thought-that-this-was-a-good-idea-were-they-high-on-gold-spray-paint?" level. You got it!

Oh, you want an example of this kind of idea brought to fruition?

How about this video where an underage white girl runway model, Karlie Kloss, claims to be from St. Luis and then plays ping pong with Notorious Wally Green?

Did that illustrate my point? Did I have a point?

I guess my point is that money is no substitute for talent and true genius, and neither is gold... spray paint.

P.S. JD Ferguson directed the above video. Is he the greatest director of our time?

Disclaimer: I did no research whatsoever into how this video actually came about, and I know nothing about JD Ferguson.

This is Coco, rapper Ice T's girl. Many of you would laugh at a girl like this if you saw her at the gym. Some of you might even call her a slut, skank, whore -- all those horrible words used to denigrate women who don't look like your mom or sister or homely wife. You might say, "Well, I can't be with a girl like that because her boobs are too fake," or "I'd never bang a girl like that because it looks like her ass is stuffed with two giant pumpkins, which are stuffed with warm cottage cheese." Well, you're a liar. You're a big fat loser of a liar. We all know we'd marry a chick that looks like this. We'd give her all our money, we'd let her have 12 of our children. We'd do everything for her because a girl who looks like this deserves to have everything done for her. She's the one you've been waiting for all these years, she's the only one that could ever mean anything to you. Just look at her. Look at that ass. No Avatar effects here. Everything you see is real. Now stop judging Coco...stop judging Ice T. Go forth and find someone just like Coco and hold on to her ass till your last, loving breath.

So Golf Digest got themselves into quite an awesome predicament. It seems their January issue features both Tiger Woods AND Barack Obama on the cover - together. They're practically humping each other. Really. This a great thing for Tiger. Appearing on the cover with Obama makes him appear like he's getting his stuff together, you know, hangin' out with the Commander in Chief, totally not hooking up with chicks as he's playing a round of golf. But it's a bad thing for Obama. Who wants to appear with a dude who's banged a third rate porn star? We would, but we're sleazy like that. Anyway, we want to make Obama's problem worse. Here are the new Golf Digest covers we came up with featuring the two BFFs.

(click here to see the third cover after the jump)

Well, a famous porn actress according to US Weekly. Holly Sampson to be exact. She's of the MILF variety, too. Everybody who watches this stuff knows that MILF porn stars are the bottom-of-the-barrel porn stars. They are the ones who are usually meth addicts. What's the deal with Tiger Woods? He's a billionaire. He should be dating Victoria Secret models and Donald Trump's leftovers, not professional skanks.

Wow. We thought we were obsessed with Britney Spears. Not compared to this dude, who gets the award for BIGGEST BRITNEY FAN WHO'S PROBABLY IN JAIL NOW FOR TALKING TO YOU ABOUT BRITNEY SPEARS SO MUCH. The above photo shows him wearing a bunch of Britney pins and he even made her a cake for her birthday! Note that he made this cake for a cardboard cutout! Respectible! (Not really!). The rest of this article from Buzzfeed goes on to show a bunch of essays he wrote about the pop princess,  a family Christmas card featuring Brit, and more stuff that makes you wonder whether or not this kid grew up to kill his parents.

(via Buzzfeed)

For some reason a box of Sprinkles Cupcakes, Mrs. Fields Cookies, and some leftover Halloween cookies were sitting on an empty desk inside LG Headquarters. So was a bottle of the weightloss drug Zantrex (we have no idea how that got there...perhaps somebody is sending us a message? Collectively, the company only weights 50000 billion pounds so I don't what that message can be). Anyway, thought we'd open up an LG store to give some of this stuff away (except the Zantrex!). If you'd like any of these things please let us know. Or if you have any other questions or complaints. Our email talkback@liquidgeneration.com!