We know it's fashionable to make fun of Taylor Lautner, the kid with the six-pack abs from Twilight. But we're not a-holes. We recognize Taylor's genius and that's why we're excited for a new comic book about the Half-Wolf Hero that will be in our sweaty hands come August. Just look at this cover:

The day that this is released is going to be the best day in the world. And this post is totally written without irony.

Peanuts and Spider-Man and Watchmen all suck balls compared to Steve Jobs vs. Bill Gates. It's going to win the Nobel Prize for Making You Crap Your Pants.

Via SadandUseless.com. See the whole set here.)

This weekend Steve Jobs and Gawker blogger Ryan Tate got into a little email fight where one basically accused the other of being an ass and the other responded by basically calling the other guy an ass, all because of nerd reasons that we won't get into right now. The only good little nugget from this email exchange is that Steve Jobs - the guy who makes the machine that you use to wank off on internet porn every night while pretending to watch Jimmy Fallon - is trying to protect your freedoms. Specifically, Freedom from Porn.

(image via topherchris)

If you're in the market for a cheap but entertaining DJ for your wedding, be sure to give this guy a call. He is an internet hero right now.

Because we're curious bastards, we noticed the Stardust Entertainment sign on the DJ's podium, so we paid their website a little visit. This is what it had to say:

Basically, they are such little liars, beause anyone who would use Comic Sans on their website is totally into booby slapping. Everyone knows that.

Look out Jessica Alba and Giselle, there's a new sexpot in town and he's taking over the internet.

This is who I guessed...

Even if plastic surgery can't fix what's inside, it can provide a serious distraction.

(Look at my boobs, now look at my dent.....look at my boobs, now look at my dent. You're growing sleepy and sympathetic to my problems.)

This just breaking: America's sweatheart, Sandra Shark, has adopted a delicious baby. The baby weighs just 7lbs and is said to contain at least 70% meat, which sharks just love, especially the celebrity kind. This news comes just as Sandra Shark has confirmed to People Magazine her divorce from the head of Facebook's Adolf Hitler Fanclub page, Jessie James. CONGRATS, SANDRA SHARK!

Kristin Cavallari once entered our dreams, held us at gunpoint and threatened to shoot unless we stopped pleasuring ourselves to her photos. Hilariously, we didn't comply with her demands because she was just an illusion with a watergun. Illusions with waterguns aren't scary at all, Kristin. Gawd, you're so stupid.

(via The Superficial)

So the guy who lost the iPhone like a total idiot is obviously either fired or in need of a very long vacation away from Steve Jobs. Well, he's in luck! A very hilarious German beer company  airliner who knows how to play internet sent him this letter, or just uploaded on the internet for free publicity. Whatever the case, we'd so take this trip in a second if we were responsible for giving nerds across the world a boner because they saw an early glimpse of the next iPhone.

You know, there's nothing in the world we'd rather eat first thing in the morning than an Oreo cookie stuffed with about 20 billion Oreo cookies worth of frosty filling. JOKES! Really, we want to vomit. And because we're evil on the inside (not creamy!), we're posting this for you because we want you to vomit, too!

We once knew a girl named Brenda. We loved her, but not enough to get her name tattooed on our back with every ugly font on our computer. BTW, WHERE IS COMIC SANS!?!

Russian girls don't fantasize about just being any princess, they dream about being a princess that will someday marry a piece of poo. Apparently.

Kelly Ripa's belly button looks like it's going to rip out of her abs and eat her face. DELICIOUS.

(via The Superficial)

No, it's not you idiot. Just because it's Monday doesn't mean you have to get all wacky. This is the real and next iPhone.

Also! We'd hate to be the poor bastard at Apple who lost this guy. HAPPY MONDAY, GUY WHO DOESN'T HAVE A JOB AT APPLE ANYMORE!

After a long hard weekend of laying in front of our television and picking our toenails, we need to relax. We're not superman afterall. WE NEED DOWNTIME AFTER OUR DOWNTIME. That's why we were tickled pink when we found Christina Hendricks in our Google Reader this morning. What a way to start the week! Also, this might be the FIRST TIME EVER we're buying Esquire Magazine.

(via Idontlikeyouinthatway)

Uhm. Why is the dude in the background saluting that dog? He can't even stick his ass in the air. What a major failure.

Who cares that Larry King is getting a divorce or that he was banging his wife's sister. SOMEBODY ACTUALLY HAD SEX WITH THIS THING. THAT IS WHAT EVERYBODY SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.

Just like Photoshop cannot make Olivia Munn naked, Photoshop cannot totally make Britney Spears into the 20-year-old that most of us want to remember her as. Instead, we're left with Virtual Britney, a version of the popstar made by Candies, some clothing store for girls who will never look like Brintey. The photoshoppers tried to remove her cellulite, and we guess they were successfull. But sadly, they left us with something totally non-human. We prefer Britney's cottage-cheese infused ass to something that looks like it came straight out of Second Life.

(via Jezebel)

We're really excited about Photoshop's new content aware thingy-majoo that makes it retarded-easy to erase things from photos like zits and people you don't like (hi, grandma!). However, one weakness was found in the new feature and sadly, we're going to have to recommend NOT UPGRADING to this version of Photoshop unless this bug is fixed.

(via Buzzfeed)