Do you have what it takes to unlock the mystery of Mary Shaw? But be warned, this may make you crap your pants.

They listened to Soundgarden, watched Singles, and talked about how much easier life would be if they lived in Seattle.

Remember when everybody couldn't wait for her and her sister to turn 18? Yeah, that seems like it was a long time ago.

It's called trying too hard, and it's what you're doing.

In theaters 2-29-08. Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson portray Anne and Mary Boleyn, sisters who compete for the affections of King Henry VIII (Eric Bana). What more could you ask for than a royal cat-fight, a beheading and 16th century costuming? Romance

This man has some sort of genetic trait that mutates HPV, causing huge tree like growths to erupt from his body. Where are Mary and Pippin?

You’ve played Bloody Mary when you were younger, now see the illusion. Can you see Bloody Mary?

Why is he sitting like that? Why is she with this girly guy? She spent the rest of the evening kissing, in public! It’s the Pete Wentz syndrome!

Miss Mary dresses like Mrs. Finch from "Follow that Bird". She looks like she escaped from the mental wing of Shady Pines retirement community. Get a new look granny!

Mary-Kate Olsen is now starring in Weeds. She once starred in Full House. Here the two characters meet for the first time.

An entire lighting rig almost falls on Hillary Clinton and the most she can say is "Jesus, Mary and Joseph"?? Even Bush knows how to curse!

In this Pac-Man parody, help Mary-Kate Olsen snort boatloads of primo cocaine. Be sure to play this with your kids.

Mary Louise Parker helped promote her show Weeds by posing naked. Hey, whatever it takes, right?

The Olsen Twins are now one chick, since both of them are basically half a person.

Still-skinny Mary-Kate Olsen looked stunning (as in, we're still stunned by this look) when she walked the red carpet wearing Kelly green, a dead raccoon, and a chestplate.

Finally! Someone got an Olsen twin to eat!

Seriously, I was freaked out by Mary Poppins as a kid, but never this bad!

Yes, but how old do you have to be?

Finally, Chewbacca becomes an American, TomKat has boring sex, Mary-Kate quits college, and other stuff we really can’t remember right now.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.