In this Pac-Man parody, help Mary-Kate Olsen snort boatloads of primo cocaine. Be sure to play this with your kids.

Mary Louise Parker helped promote her show Weeds by posing naked. Hey, whatever it takes, right?

This week Lou Berk sit down with Lindsay Lohan to discuss her recent arrest! An LG Exclusive!

This week a new face is added to the LG news crew. Lou Berk, our crotchety newsman, speaks with Paris Hilton live from her Five Star Jail Cell.

To get publicity for his new movie, Optimus Prime released a sex tape. Host Lou Berk has the dirt.

The Olsen Twins are now one chick, since both of them are basically half a person.

Still-skinny Mary-Kate Olsen looked stunning (as in, we're still stunned by this look) when she walked the red carpet wearing Kelly green, a dead raccoon, and a chestplate.

Finally! Someone got an Olsen twin to eat!

Seriously, I was freaked out by Mary Poppins as a kid, but never this bad!

Yes, but how old do you have to be?

Finally, Chewbacca becomes an American, TomKat has boring sex, Mary-Kate quits college, and other stuff we really can’t remember right now.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Here are some of the most mystifying Virgin Mary sightings ever captured on film. Kind of.

The day Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen turned 18 was probably the greatest day of our lives.