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Pretty awesome!
Can lower its volume while barking.
American Apparel just ended their Best Bottom In The World contest; you can see the top three butts right here. There were over a thousand entries, and the winner will be flown to LA for a special photoshoot, but if their really lucky they'll probably be sexual harrassed by CEO Dov Charney (yippee!)!
This competition is a little crazy. I mean, forget about the Top 3 Best Butts...here are the Top 20. For the life of me I cannot figure out what is wrong with any of these or how one can be better than the other. They all look the same and by "same" I mean I would shoot a dozen puppies just to see them in person. Don't believe me? Just try it, ladies! Come to my office and see what will happen!
But what about the big time losers in this contest? Did anybody really submit a butt that wasn't attractive? I clicked my mouse over a hundred times to find out.
THE TOP 5 UGLIEST BUTTS IN THE WORLD
Now, there were a bunch of people with scores of zero. We're not going to count those because they probably entered the contest late and their butts are just too nice to be losers, so we suspect there is a glitch in The Matrix. We just took the lowest of the scores that weren't 0.0. Here's what we found.
5. Carlos. Score: 1.24
Why did they let dudes enter this contest? A major fail on the part of the organizers. Plus, his photo is in black & white. Fail on top of Fail.
4. Alisa. Score: 1.22
I'm not sure where the ass is on this lady, or if it's really a lady. It could be a dude like Carlos. I don't really want to investigate any further.
3. JL. Score: 1.21
Hairy legs! A Sure winner we tell you (maybe in Afghanistan)!
2. Shyla. Score: 1.19
Am I missing something? Where is this lady's butt? Did it fall off on her way to the meth lab? I really want to know as to avoid the town she live in.
And the #1 Ugliest Butt In The World....
1. Raggedy. Score: 1.17
There is no cottage cheese in this woman's butt. It's pure milkshake. 2%. And thank God she's wearing black underwear. We don't really want to know what's happening behind that bikini.
In what can only be described as pure Bonage Day at LiquidGeneration, we just received these photos of Heidi Montag. THEY ARE NOT EXCLUSVIE BUT THEY ARE PRETTY DARN SEXY, DEFINTELY SEXIER THAN JESSICA SIMPSON. WHO CARES ABOUT HER ANYWAY.
How much plastic surgery has she gotten? Supposedly over 10 surgeries in one sitting. But who cares about the details because the details are in her boobs. and everything else about her. We don't care that Spencer has turned her lower love-making extremities into a disaster area either. Sorry we sound like 12-year-olds right now, but really, just look at her.
And while we have your attention, Haiti needs your help. Do it for Heidi.
If God was so smart, why did he design male genetalia to be 1) as low as it is and 2) totally unprotected. He gave turtles a hardshell and that animal is just about useless if you ask me. Humans created space shuttles, heavy metal music and Maury Povich. They should be protected, especially the itsty bitsy parts of them that makes babies. Such poor design decisions, God. If Steve Jobs was your boss you'd be totally fired.
Today, as Nancy Pelosi was walking somewhere and being important, a reporter following her totally crashed his balls into something that was not a Femaie Baby Incubator. Here's that video, and some others featuring guys who might not be able to get an erection anymore.
Reporter takes a dive. Woops.
We feel that the Japanese dudes featured in this video actually LOVE being hit in the crotch.
This guy's balls actually flew up through his stomach and out of his mouth, but you can't see it due to YouTube's crappy video quality.
Finally, these guys are true friends.
Does It All Hang Low?
Do you remember that song you used to sing when you were a little kid about your boobs and butt and balls and how they all hang low? Well, we just rewrote it.
Drillbit Taylor
In theaters now. Three kids hire a low-budget bodyguard to protect them from the playground bully.
Fergie Flies Low
Realistically this will provide a slightly more sanitary option than her old method of pissing her pants on stage.
Blonde PSA
If your hair is shiny and yellowish, and you have a low ACT score, you may be one of the millions of people affected by Blond.
Lindsay Laughs in Drunk Driving PSA
Seriously, was kind of drunk jerk laughs when they're telling young people not to drink and drive? And who exactly was making this crappy-ass low-budget commercial??
Larry Birkhead's Anna Tattoo
Baby-daddy Larry Birkhead has a tattoo of Anna Nicole on his lower back, just in case we weren't sure which side of the trailer park he's from. (It's the trashy side.)
Anna Nicole Death Photo
The Enquirer published ths photo of Anna Nicole's corpse, even though the picture wasn't real. How low will they go?
Skid-Mark Safe
The "Brief Safe" can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you're traveling. These specially-designed briefs contain a fly-accessed 4" x 10" secret compartment with Velcro® closure and "special markings" on the lower rear portion. Even the most hardened burglar or most curious snoop will "skid" to a screeching halt as soon as they see them — wouldn't you?
Who'd You Rather 216: Christmastime!
Here they are! All the remaining holiday references we couldn’t work into the last three Who’d You Rathers! All at prices so low we’re practically giving them away!