The girl has a serious case of pancake ass. I mean, look at the way her mudflaps droop! Gross!

This is the kinda technology that the paparazzi need. Turn into a camera, take some photos of Britney's crotch, then transform into a car and drive away when Linsday Lohan tries to hit you with her car.

Does this spread reveal her sense of humor? Or just her sense of whore?

Lindsay Lohan channels Flashdance in this stupid leotard.

Celebrity Ho-Bags are everywhere, and whether you’re a skanky ho-bag like Lindsay Lohan or a pregnant ho-bag like Britney Spears, everyone wants to be a celebrity ho-bag. Which one are you?

Watch Lindsay Lohan do a screen test for "The Parent Trap" movie. Ah, when life was so simple and celebrities didn't do drugs.

Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Tara Reid and Jessica Simpson are not just a bunch of sluts – they’re a bunch of sluts on popsicle sticks! In this episode, watch them as they’re about to die in an elevator!

Everybody’s favorite celebrity sluts are back for another round of slutiness. This time Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Tara Reid and Jessica Simpson talk about the latest gossip on their cellphones!

This week Lindsay Lohan admits that she’s skinny and that she’s done snorting drugs. Yeah, whatever Lindsay!

This week Dubya’s poll numbers are in the toilet, Lindsay Lohan wants to get married, Paris’ boytoy crashes a Bentley, and more celeb debauchery.

Here's a picture of Lindsay Lohan's inspiration. Hopefully her boobs will look as big as this guy's.

Ah, the days when Lindsay Lohan had boobs. We long for those days.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.