In theaters 1-25-08. Sylvester Stallone directs the fourth film in the Rambo series. In Thailand, John Rambo assembles a group of mercenaries and leads them up the Salween River to a Burmese village where a group of Christian aid workers allegedly went missing.

In theaters 12-21-07. Treasure hunter Benjamin Franklin Gates (Cage) looks to discover the truth behind the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, by uncovering the mystery within the 18 pages missing from assassin John Wilkes Booth's diary.

The disturbance this student caused at John Kerry's speech is part of why he was tasered. Calling cops "Bro" and not "Sir" had something to do with it also. They hate that.

John Madden claims he wanted to make video games more realistic. Watching this clip of Bo Jackson go crazy all over the field reminds us he took the fun out.

John Travolta is blessed by the power of Xenu. His magical thetans can transform him from "G.I Jane" to "Movie Flop" instantly.

John Mayer busts out some sweet "Chocolate Rain" lyrics to the tune of Nelly Furtado's "Say it Right"

Stamos appeared on a British morning show, unshaven and apparently SLOSHED, but blamed it on "jet lag," which I'm guessing is the name of a delicious new vodka in England.

In another installment of LG’s acclaimed Celebrity Karaoke series, John Mayer sings a little ode to Jessica Simpson’s fabulous breasts.

Miss Jessica was seen partying like a single gal (John Mayer dumped her!) at PURE nightclub in Vegas recently. When's she selling a blow-up doll of herself?

I once overdosed on sexy. But then John Travolta brought me back by stabbing my chest with a needle. I'm cool now.

"Illegal Aliens" is as big of a B-movie as you can get. And Chyna Doll's performance is worthy of a John Waters film!

Jared Leto got fat for his role as John Lennon's killer. Then he got skinny for his roll as rock music killer. Because he's a douche.

At a conservative political conference, the world's biggest tranny bitch, Ann Coulter, called John Edwards a bundle of sticks. The Fox network doesn't even care.

Cincinnati Bengal Chad John gives a locker room interview after a game, during which he sustained a heavy blow to the head. You think he might have gotten a concussion?

Pigeon John doesn’t play any “acoustic” business, but he still came up to our studios and rocked some live hip-hop with his DJ. It’s the kind of stuff that will get your head nodding and your brain smiling…I mean if a brain can smile that is.

Jessica bangs John Meyer, Israel’s bombs explode, and a polygamist leader blasts off to jail. Philip Norris has the stories – and he’s completely un-Photoshopped.

We'd scream too if we thought John Travolta from Battlefield Earth was holding us.

This week your family celebrates a holiday, Elton John gets married, New Yorkers walk to work, and the inventor of the internets starts a blog.

Take a look at Elton John's wedding planner. It looks fabulous!

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.