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So you've finally seen the iPad and made a tampon joke or two about it. But if my gut is telling the truth, then we're all going to be dead when the people at Apple Corporate murder us with their lazer beam eyes. Seriously! Have you checked out that iPad video yet? Here are some stills:

Senior Vice President of Industrial Design Jonathan Ive is responsible for make the things at Apple pretty. However, his eyes can see through your underpants and shoot amazingly designed lazer beams at your face, so watch out.

After he's done eating all the meat on your bones, SVP of Hardware Bob Mansfield, will kidnap your 13-year-old nephew and try to play video games with him. Or he might appear in Crimson Tide 2 - SERIOUSLY GUYS, DOESN'T HE LOOK LIKE THAT ONE GUY? JUST A LITTLE BIT?

Scott Forstall, SVP of iPhone Software, will stare at you from across the room until you're completely naked. I kid you not. He will not leave until then.

Okay, stop looking at them. You know what I'm talking about. This is getting a little childish right now.
The long, slender bones of grandma's rotting hands really accentuate baby Jane's soft features. Jane can only dream of having hair as nice as grandmas.
John Travolta is blessed by the power of Xenu. His magical thetans can transform him from "G.I Jane" to "Movie Flop" instantly.
...But the latest issue of Jane Magazine has photoshopped them out on their cover image. Very sneaky, Jane Mag.
Jesse Jane was "Best Dressed" on the red carpet at the AVNs. If you think this isn't a big deal, you obviously haven't seen the way most porn stars dress!!