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You're going to end up at a lot of parties in the next 10 days. Some good, most horrendous. Here are a few tips for getting out of a couple bad holiday situations.
Problem: Bad Party with more old people at it than you expected. What I do: Guerilla warfare. There's a laundry list of things you can do to destroy a party from within. Number one is clog the main toilet. This can shorten a party by hours, and if it's a small apartment with only one bathroom, you could bring it to a screeching halt right then and there. The best way to do this is with paper towels. Toilet paper is made to break up in water; paper towels are made to keep their structure as well as possible. Smuggle paper towels into the bathroom. This might be tough to pull off; if people are around, do it one at a time, like how Andy Dufresne smuggled the pieces of his cell wall into the yard in Shawshank Redemption. When you have a bunch, flush 'em. Once the problem is known to the host, say something like "thanks for having us, looks like you've got your hands full, though!"
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Well, it's happened again. You've blasted through another year and suddenly it's Thanksgiving again. We do a big Thanksgiving down here. It's a good holiday for a diverse crowd, since it's secular and you don't really need to explain much, even to people who have never heard of it. Have a big feast, open a few bottles of wine. Everybody "gets it". And holidays that center around cooking are big in Hell, since heat is easy to come by in a lake of fire that burns hotter than the hottest earthly flame.
I'm hosting this year like I always do. It used to be a real treat for everyone to come to my place, since I lived in the most exclusive neighborhood in all of Hell. Guests would make jokes like "What's the cover charge going to be?" But while my neighborhood was nice when I moved in, it's pretty shitty now. One of the hazards of eternity, I guess, unless you want to move every hundred years. Now the place is really run down and all the businesses have left. I knew we'd hit the skids when I drove by a Souplantation with my neighbor Ron and he said, without irony, "It would be really cool if we could get one of those". It's come to that. Now people make jokes like "Yeah, we'll be there, just let me get my flak jacket out of the attic".
People are taking their defense of Conan O'Brien right to Jay Leno, like this fan right here. Rumor has it that he's also going to make himself a firecrotch just like the ex-Tonight Show host. Sweet!

In other Conan news, make sure you secure tickets for Conan O'Brien's Legally Prohibited From Being Funny On Television Tour.
I've heard of being horny in the morning, but not when you're hosting a television show.
Somebody on the internet said these two were from The Today Show, but we don't bleieve them because they look funny, and by "look funny" we mean they talk weird. Anyway, if you have a morning show you shouldn't be playing with your Wii this hard. It's just awkward.
Cook and talk show host Paula Deen (OUR MOTHER LOVES YOU FOR MAKING OUR WHOLE FAMILY FAT, PAULA!!) was recently assualted by a flying ham. We hate it when that happens. We were once walking through the super market and a box of Twinkies just landed in our mouth and went straight to our hips. Swear to God!
In honor of nerds across the world, here’s a very nerdy edition of WB, hosted by Nerdboy!
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This week Oscar De La Hoya hosts the boobtacular Latina edition of Whoose Boobs! He loves to look at the ladies and dress like them!
Daniel Plainview would be the second best Food Network host behind Marc Summers.
The real thing this fight decides is Comedy Central has two funny late night hosts while NBC has only one, Leno sucks.
We’ve all wondered what Bob Barker looks like naked, don’t even lie, but who would you choose?
In theaters 12-25-07. Based on George Crile's book about the CIA's largest and most successful covert CIA operation, the arming of the Mujahedeen in Afghanistan. The covert ops were engineered by Charlie Wilson a charismatic, wheeler-dealer, liberal Texas congressman who teamed with a rogue CIA operative. The two manipulated Congress, the CIA and a host of foreign governments in order to assist the Afghan rebels in their fight against the Soviets in the 1980s. Many of the men armed by the CIA went on to become the Taliban's enforcers and Osama bin Laden's protectors.
Celebrities love to stuff their butts in bikini bottoms. Can you guess who each mystery butt belongs to? Hosted by Mr. Thong Song himself – Sisqo!
This week we celebrate the best boobs that appeared in 2007 Emmy Awards. Hosted by Evil Ryan Seacrest!
Brian and Stewie performed a song about the state of TV. This doesn't make up for having Seacrest host the show but its a start...
This has two of the internet's favorite genres. "Person smacking face into floor" and "brief shot up the skirt of a pretty girl".