Where's OJ Simpson?

Any drunk who says, 'Where's something i can hit?' is probably asking for trouble.

Watch these sexy ladies juggle balls at the golf course.

Well, he has no sponsors except for the BastardCard, which exists only in our dreams. Tiger is at the Masters this week trying to make people forgot that he boned about 240 porn stars, waitresses and all around normals with big boobs and a love for eccentric sex play. We wish him luck with that.

Recently during the SXSW music festival, Ghostbuster Bill Murray took command of the Shangra-La's bar and started serving people dranks. We can't help but notice that he looked pretty tipsy, which is nothing knew if you take into account the below videos.

But first, here's Bill pouring shots at the Austin bar Shangra-La.

And then here's him drunk in Rushmore.

Oh...then there's that Suntory Whiskey commercial in Lost In Translation. He got pretty wasted filming that, remember?

Finally, not too long ago Bill Murray was arrested in Sweden for driving a golf cart...while intoxicated. No video footage of this exists, though somebody did make a confusing Machinema video of the incident. We don't really understand it, but it's on the internet so it must be funny! Or something.

Look, we're not saying Bill Murray is an alcoholic or anything. We're just saying he really, really must like alcohol.

So Golf Digest got themselves into quite an awesome predicament. It seems their January issue features both Tiger Woods AND Barack Obama on the cover - together. They're practically humping each other. Really. This a great thing for Tiger. Appearing on the cover with Obama makes him appear like he's getting his stuff together, you know, hangin' out with the Commander in Chief, totally not hooking up with chicks as he's playing a round of golf. But it's a bad thing for Obama. Who wants to appear with a dude who's banged a third rate porn star? We would, but we're sleazy like that. Anyway, we want to make Obama's problem worse. Here are the new Golf Digest covers we came up with featuring the two BFFs.

(click here to see the third cover after the jump)

Look. Yeah we're going to keep posting about Tiger Woods because that's the only thing on the news right now. So unless Jeff Goldblum dies in the next twenty minutes or we just fall alseep while writing this post, this is what you're stuck with so just deal.

So far there are SEVEN girls (or NINE, nobody really knows) who have come out and said they banged Tiger Woods. That's a lot of secret phone numbers to keep in your secret iPhone which will eventually make it's way onto the internet so that your secret sexy sext messages and nude pictures will be seen by the world! Respect!

In case you were wondering which of his mistresses is the hottest, we've got that taken care of for you. We're even going to add Elin to the mix because we're worried she'll be jealous (she's suffered enough!). This was a relatively easy task because the girls all have their own look. None of them really look the same. It seems that Tiger's only requirment for banging a girl was that she had a vagina - that's it! So here we go...

8. Florida waitress, Mindy Lawton. She looks like one of our alcoholic neighbors. "WUD YOU LIKKKE MEE TOOO SEDUSH UUUUUUUUUUU!"

7. Rachel Uchitel. This an old photo of her. In her new photos she looks like this, but more plastic. And less like her lips are made of liver.

6. Don't know what Tiger saw in Jaimee Grubbs. We guess it's kind of cool that she was in Tool Academy. Wait. No we don't. There is nothing redeaming about this chick besides her taste in short red clothes. Moving on.

5. Porn star Holly Sampson. Now we're talking. Now we understand why Tiger Woods would cheat on his wife: Elin obviously hated gay people. Holly Sampson supports gay people so much she's willing to wear a rainbow bikini on her boobs. That could be the only reason why he'd sleep with a porn star, right? RIGHT!?!

(click here to see the rest of the list)

Yeah, in addition to being a BIG FAT CHEATER he also loves to fart while playing golf. DO YOU REMEMBER THIS? WHEN TIGER WOODS WAS JUST A NICE GUY WHO LOVED TO PASS GAS AND HE WASN'T SUCH A DIRTY WHORE!?!

Ah, the good ol' days.