I have no idea what Michael Jordan's been doing since he retired from basketball, but apparently he's been sucking at Twitter. Badly. Almost everyday. This peak inside his brain makes us believe that he might be the most boring super talented person in the world. He's defintely no Shaq, whose tweets routinely make us go lolwhut (lolwhu!?!). Here's a sample of the basketball legend's greatest non-hits:

Clearly, Michael Jordan is your 55-year-old mom with a huge crush on somebody.

This is the only he can say about the New Years? You ate too many shrimp. You're a legend and this is your only comment about NYE. Fantastic. At least we know we had a better NYE than somebody.

TWO HANDS TOGETHER, PEOPLE. LET'S CLAP IT UP. MICHAEL JORDAN DOES WHAT I DO EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT AFTER DRINKING A 24 PACK OF PABST.

Clearly, Gizmodo should hire this guy.

Ok, we have to hand it to MJ. This is a question worth asking. If you're 4-years-old. Or high. He was probably high.

If you'd like periodic updates from LG, you can follow us on Twitter @liquidgen. We promise to be just as boring as MJ and not spam you.

Awhile ago we asked for all the ladies out there to take a man's virginity. Well, we need another favor. The man you see below is wearing a Super Mario Bros. sweater and her doesn't have a chance. If there is anyone out there who at least wants to hold his hand, let us know. We know that asking you take take his virginity is like asking you to murder a small puppy, but look at him. He's so....so virgin-4-life-ish. It's sad.

Ready for your brain to be melted? We've found 4 of the craziest Optical Illusions on the internet. When I sent these to my Mom and her friends, they were blown away. Almost immediatly, all of them ran to their internets, fired up AOL 5.0 and sent off a chainletter to everyone they knew. Subject line: IF YOU DON'T SEND THESE OPTICAL ILLUSIONS TO TEN PEOPLE YOU'LL GET THE HERP. Such sweet people. But seriously, these are some of the best Optical Illusions anywhere and they'll leave you completely baffled. The mind, it's a crazy, miraculous thing. 

1. In this optical illusion, all of the grey lines are parallel to each other.

2. This is the same type of illusion as above. All of the lines are parallel to each other, and all of the boxes are correct squares with 90 degree angles.

3. See the squiggly black lines? Yeah, they're not squiggly. They are completely straight. Your mind: it's effing with you.

4. This is the optical illusion that really got us. That circle is not a circle. It's a Triangle. Don't believe us? Hold your head close to the screen and take a closer look. It's a freaking triangle, dude.

Since it's premiere, MTV's "Jersey Shore" has received a staggering amount of criticism from the New Jersey Italian American Legislative Council. Caucus Chairman Joseph "Joey Ravioli" Vitale said the "wildly offensive" show promotes derogatory ethnic stereotypes. And in a letter to Viacom, MTV's parent company, Joey Ravioli demanded that the show be cancelled, and in exchange, he would "send you's some meatballs and Grigio."

Perhaps he should have sent an oaky Chard, because "Jersey Shore" remains on the air. And personally, I think MTV has some freshly waxed balls for keeping Mike's freshly waxed situation around. But more importantly, in the hysteria surrounding the casts' love of offensively smearing ricotta on each other's wife beaters and then licking it off (rather, it should be licked off and then spit into an al dente shell), the media hasn't even bothered to report on the most positive aspect of the show:

The young women of the cast. 

For far too long, MTV reality series have focused on drunk, slutty women with perfectly-proportioned, unattainable body types, so it's nice to finally see MTV choosing drunk, slutty women with far sloppier body types easily attained by the second semester of freshmen year. The big-boned women, Angelina, Jenni "J-Woww", Nicole "Snooki", and Sammi "Sweetheart" clearly have healthy appetites and spend most of their time consuming New Jersey's four basic food groups: Everclear, cranberry juice, ice, and calzones.

And instead of obsessively exercising on the treadmill for hours at a time, these all-natural ladies are showing girls everywhere that there are far safer more interactive ways to burn those unwanted ice calories off. Like spending time in the Jacuzzi, for instance. Simultaneously chugging vodka, removing your bra, and manually stimulating a situation, all while sitting in oppressive heat, offer a superb cardio session. And though not scientifically proven, it may also help you take a punch.

So step off, detractors, and give this show the friggin' respect it deserves, and don't trim the fat.

(Note: While Prongs has never actually watched "Jersey Shore", she did grow up in New Jersey, so any assumptions made above are not assumptions, but actual fact. Peace & Meatballs, Audi 5000.)

So Golf Digest got themselves into quite an awesome predicament. It seems their January issue features both Tiger Woods AND Barack Obama on the cover - together. They're practically humping each other. Really. This a great thing for Tiger. Appearing on the cover with Obama makes him appear like he's getting his stuff together, you know, hangin' out with the Commander in Chief, totally not hooking up with chicks as he's playing a round of golf. But it's a bad thing for Obama. Who wants to appear with a dude who's banged a third rate porn star? We would, but we're sleazy like that. Anyway, we want to make Obama's problem worse. Here are the new Golf Digest covers we came up with featuring the two BFFs.

(click here to see the third cover after the jump)

Look. Yeah we're going to keep posting about Tiger Woods because that's the only thing on the news right now. So unless Jeff Goldblum dies in the next twenty minutes or we just fall alseep while writing this post, this is what you're stuck with so just deal.

So far there are SEVEN girls (or NINE, nobody really knows) who have come out and said they banged Tiger Woods. That's a lot of secret phone numbers to keep in your secret iPhone which will eventually make it's way onto the internet so that your secret sexy sext messages and nude pictures will be seen by the world! Respect!

In case you were wondering which of his mistresses is the hottest, we've got that taken care of for you. We're even going to add Elin to the mix because we're worried she'll be jealous (she's suffered enough!). This was a relatively easy task because the girls all have their own look. None of them really look the same. It seems that Tiger's only requirment for banging a girl was that she had a vagina - that's it! So here we go...

8. Florida waitress, Mindy Lawton. She looks like one of our alcoholic neighbors. "WUD YOU LIKKKE MEE TOOO SEDUSH UUUUUUUUUUU!"

7. Rachel Uchitel. This an old photo of her. In her new photos she looks like this, but more plastic. And less like her lips are made of liver.

6. Don't know what Tiger saw in Jaimee Grubbs. We guess it's kind of cool that she was in Tool Academy. Wait. No we don't. There is nothing redeaming about this chick besides her taste in short red clothes. Moving on.

5. Porn star Holly Sampson. Now we're talking. Now we understand why Tiger Woods would cheat on his wife: Elin obviously hated gay people. Holly Sampson supports gay people so much she's willing to wear a rainbow bikini on her boobs. That could be the only reason why he'd sleep with a porn star, right? RIGHT!?!

(click here to see the rest of the list)

Sooooooooo, without further adieu, and without the fear of any of you calling me a tranny or a Marilyn Manson look-a-like or a fat cow or a wanna-be Madonna or a bubble butt or former nobody or Kathy Griffin's penis or a total waste of space everywhere I walk, I present to you the latest outfits I'm working on this week.

If you have any costume concepts for me you can email them to LadyGaGaIsFashionable@gmail.com. I'll post them next week if they don't suck! 

ADAM LAMBERT 4 EVAHHHHH,

Lady Gaga

XOXO====)

P.S. You can see more of my design sketches here.

What's with courgars these days? They're either screaming out of your TV box or they're looking like complete idiots on the dance floor. And yes, but "idiots" we mean Katie Couric, and by "Katie Couric" we mean "why the hell are we partly turned on by these photos?" With the way our tongue is on the floor right now, you'd think every 70-year-old woman who drops her cootchie on the dance floor like this turns us on, but no. Just Katie Couric. We only have eyes for Katie Couric and those gams. THOSE GAMS. 

We're gonna go shoot ourselves in the head right now, or you can do that for us. Whatevs.

She's coming for you. Run.

And here's the cootchie drop. Oh lawd.

Yeah, that's the face. It totally doesn't scream "I'M WASTED 4 DAYZZZZ" or anything. No, not at all.

Click here to see the rest of the photos.

After hearing about a new movie called Twilight: New Moon and that it's kind of a big deal, LiquidGeneration contacted the nearest middle school to see if anyone was interested in writing a review of the movie for us. This is the review we received.

OHHH MY GAWWWWD YOU GUYS YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS BUT I SAW EDWARD CULLEN WITH HIS SHIRT OFF I CAN TOTALLY DIE NOW. I PRAY THAT HE COMES TO MY SCHOOL AND SWEEPS ME OFF MY FEET AND ME AND HIM CAN RUN AWAY AFTER HE MURDERS BELLA BECAUSE HE WANTS TO GO OUT WITH ME AND THEN WE KISS DURING STUDY HALL THEN WE HAVE SO MANY BABIES OMG THIS MOVIE WAS SO GOOOOOD.

SOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOD. I CAN'T EVEN KEEP MY EYES OPEN RIGHT NOW ME AND MY FRO9ENDS WENT TO THE MIDNIGHT SCREENING AND WE ATE POPCORN BUT NOT MY FAT FRIEND ANGELA SHE SAYS SHE NEEDS TO GO ON A DIET BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO LOOK GOOD FOR JACOB!!!@!!!! LIKE REALLY, ANGELA, JACOB DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU EXIST YOU WERE A FANNY PACK TO SCHOOL AND YOUR FAT HE'S TOTALLY NOT GOING TO BE INTO YOU. MAYBE ONE OF THE GUYS FROM HARRY POTTER LIKE THAT FIRE CROTCH KID, BUT NOT JACOB. JACOB IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU ANGELA AND I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT BUT I'M SORRY YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SHOT BUT IT WAS SO NICE SEEING THE MOVIE WITH A BFF JUST LIKE YOU.

SPEAKING OF!!! I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE JACOB IS GOING OUT WITH THAT GAWKY SQUINTY FISH FACE TAYLOR SWIFT. WHAT KIND OF LOSER DOES SHE THINK SHE IS ANYWAY. EVERYBODY KNOWS JACOB IS JUST USING HER FOR SEX EWEWWWWW. SHE'S SUCH A DIRTY SKANK IF SHE WAS IN MY CLASS I BET SH'E GIVE  EVERYBODY AIDS WITH HER EYES. I H8 U TAYLOR DON'T COME NEAR ME!!!!!!

!!@!!@W!@!!@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!!!!

THE ONLY THING I REALLY DIDN'T LIKE IN THIS MOVIE IS BELLA. I'M SORRY SHE'S JUST SOOOOO STUCK UP ALL THE TIME AND SHE BITES HER LIP WHAT'S ON THERE ANYWAY? DO HER LIPS TASTE LIKE LICORICE OR SOMETHING OR IS SHE TRYING TO EAT A ZIT OFF THEM I BET IT'S THE ZIT. SHE'S TOTALLY NOT A GOOD PERSON FOR EDWARD HER FACE LOOKS LIKE A TROLL. WHAT DOES HE EVEN SEE HER IN HER? I REALLY HOPE SHE DIES EVENTUALLY BECAUSE EDWARD DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER DON'T YOUTHINK? I MEAN, I'M SORRY IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S SOME AMAZINGH PERSON WHO CAN COOL AND WILL CLEAN FOR HIM AND GIVE HIM EVERYTHING HE NEEDS LIKE I WOULD. I WOULD TOTALLY ROCK HIS WORLD IF HE MET ME I JUST KNOW IT...JUST GIVE ME THE CHANCE EDWORD YOU KNOW YOU'D LOVE ME FOREVAHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHH! CAN'T WAIT TILL PARTY 3 COMES OUT IT WILL BE SO MUCH FUN!!!

LOVE YOU.

The girl that Mr. Belding totally wanted to bang, but couldn't because of legal (and grossness) reasons, is pregnant.

This got us thinking: What would Tiffany Theissen's child look like if she made it with the Saved By The Bell cast members? Well, we ran the sperm of Zack, Slater, Screech and yes, Mr. Belding, through a BabyMaker app on the Knocked Up movie's website (science!) and it came up with the results below. We can only speculate that if any of these babies were to shoot out of Kelly Kopowski's crotch the doctor would most likely toss it into a trash bin. Or she will. Or we will. Who knows? These babies are pretty fricking 'tardy for the party (if you know what I'm saying).

Boston.com outed all the celebrities who've had the Swine Flu, and good for them. These people need to be taken off the streets. They need to be banned from the public. I know these people are celebrities, and I know the entertainment they provide for hundreds of people across the world is important. But they need to stop...stop doing whatever they are doing. I'm talking about David Krejci and Chris Douglas-Roberts. I'm talking about that Rupert Grint. Landon Donovan, Brian Littrell, and that Melissa Rycroft, too. David Boreanaz, you're in our sights...

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE? WHY THE HELL IS BOSTON.COM TRYING TO MAKE MY HEAD EXPLODE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE? EVEN RACHEL MADDOW AND DR. SANJAY GUPTA BARELY HIT MY RADAR BECAUSE I'M ALLERGIC TO CNN AND MSNBC (Fox News all the way, baby!). YOU MEAN LADY GAGA IS NOT SICK!?! JON & KATE PLUS AND THEIR EIGHT LITTLE PIGGIES DON'T HAVE THE SNIFFLES YET!?! THANK YOU. THANK YOU, LORD. THANK YOU, SWEET EVERYBODY. BOSTON.COM, NEXT TIME YOU SEND AN ALERT OUT LIKE THIS MAKE SURE IT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT BEFORE I GO ALL CAPLOCKS ON YOUR ASS AND HURT SOMEBODY.

/KTHXBAI

P.S. I can't wait for this movie to come out...

(via Boston.com)

Folks, we've been blessed with another Michael Jackson. Kinda. Here's a before and after of alledged steroid abuser/baseball player Sammy Sosa. Now we have no idea whether he bleaches his skin or has that crazy vitiglio disease, but we DO KNOW that his face looks squishy like a Madball. AMMIIRITTTTE GUYS?