Let Tom Cruise tell you all about Scientology, Xenu and how you can give yourself a free auditing test!

This week Britney Spears is knocked up, Tom Cruise is a Mommy, and Carson Daly is still a douche bag.

Cyber skin removed, this is what Tom really looks like. No self respecting gay man should ever let himself get this fat. Queericide, it’s the only answer.

In theaters 11-9-07. Robert Redford, Meryl Streep and Tom Cruise star in Lions For Lambs, a powerful and gripping story that digs behind the news, the politics and a nation divided to explore the human consequences of a complicated war.

Tom Cruise and Katie "Robot" Holmes have used the power of Xenu to fast forward time to see what their beautiful baby girl will look like. My eyes… my eyes.

A world-renowned gay bar caught fire this week. In typical fashion, the gays used it as en excuse to party and freak out the squares. Tom Cruise had no comment.

Tom & Katie boogied their butts off at the Beckhams "Welcome to America" party – apparently the chicken dance makes Tom sweat!

Watch Suri Cruise, Sean Preston Spears, Moses Paltrow and Baby Bradgenlina in this parody of everybody’s favorite Saturday morning cartoon, The Muppet Babies.

Vince Neil has a cruiseline called "Motley Cruise." I'm guessing it's for aging groupies and the Crüe fans who love them.

Tom Cruise got fired, Israel is fired up, and Survivor is heating up… with racism! Philip Norris has the stories, unless he embarrasses himself trying to rap.

Is Suri Cruise an imaginary baby? Which game system is for racists? Which celebrity roof caught on fire? Philip Norris has the answers!

Here is Part 2 of our awesome game where you are kidnapped by the Church of Scientology and sent to their evil world headquarters in Scientology Land. This one’s called, “The Wrath of Tom Cruise.”

Watch Tom Cruise dance like a white man! Weeeeee!

What’s with Tom Cruise naming his Scientology baby Suri? How about Gwyneth Paltrow’s baby, Moses? Why do celebrities insist on naming their babies such stupid names?

How did Katie Holmes Cruise give birth to TomKitten? David Spade spills the beans.

A video mashup of Tom Cruise being smacked down by Oprah. Oh how we love us some mashups!

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Tom Cruise is known for his devotion to Scientology, being crazy, having a baby with Katie Holmes, but did you know he also makes movies? It’s true! That’s why we devoted a whole Stupid Movie Quiz to this quackjob.