Helga Mohammed el-Salami Author Image

Dear Helga I Gained Weight

By: Helga Mohammed el-Salami
November 18 2009, 5:28 PM

Dear Helga,

I’ve always been fit, but recently, I’ve been stressed out and working a lot, and I’ve put on 10 pounds. I’m horrified by it, but my boyfriend says that he can’t tell the difference. I find that extremely hard to believe. Are guys really that nonchalant about weight?

Dear Tenner,

Of the few certainties in life, you can be certain of two things: 1.) men don’t fake orgasm – and 2.) are NOT nonchalant about YOUR weight.

Even though your BF may be carrying the last 50 beers he drank around his belly, your extra dime is a bigger crown of thorns for him than for you. But – he is wisely taking the passive approach – for now. He wants to see if you are really as horrified as you claim to be.

Get your tonnage back to the gym big-cheeks. You’re not following process. First you marry him and pop out 2.5 children THEN you can cut your hair, gain your weight, quit your job and whatever else you women do before settling on the couch for the next 30 years.  

Love,

Helga

Helga Mohammed el-Salami

Do you have a question that can only be answered by our uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual? Write to him/her: helga@helgasmailroom.com

Or Visit: http://www.helgasmailroom.com

Or, better yet, get bent.

 

 

Amy Winehouse Has Fake Ones

Amy Winehouse Has Fake Ones

Oh, look who got a new pair of boobs! And from the looks of it they fell right out of a gumball machine and onto her chest. Now we know Amy is rich, so why does it look like she has a cheap a boob job as that girl in high school who got addicted to crack, like, ten years later?

 

Fill In The Blank: Fat Kids

Fill In The Blank: Fat Kids

Help these famous cinematic porkers out by finishing their lines so they can get back to eating. They’ll eat you if you get the answer wrong.

 

Color Vision Deficiency Test

Color Vision Deficiency Test

Answer these questions and see whether or not you're color blind.

 

Dude Answers Trivia on Rollercoaster

Dude Answers Trivia on Rollercoaster

Here's a guy who's tries to answer trivia questions while on a rollercoaster. Will he or won't he barf all over himself!?!

 

Guess How Many Things Are Wrong In This Picture

Guess How Many Things Are Wrong In This Picture

Can one photo contain this much FAIL. The answer is yes.

 

10 Best Talk Show Fights Ever

10 Best Talk Show Fights Ever

If anyone asks you why America is awesome, idiotic talk show fights are the answer.

 

10 Scariest Masks

10 Scariest Masks

Are you ready to have nightmares? If that answer is yes, then this video is for you. These images will stay in your head for days to come.

 

Whud'Ya Know? High School

Whud'Ya Know? High School

On this week’s edition of the internet famous Whud’Ya Know, we ask you questions about High School! Do you have what it takes to get every single answer correct?

 

Kid vs. Vending Machine

Kid vs. Vending Machine

You'd think getting chips from a vending machine would be easy and safe. Nope.

 

Star Wars Floppy Disk

Star Wars Floppy Disk

George Lucas is always fond of replacing people with machines, sorry Mr. Williams.

 

Charles Barkley is a Dumbass

Charles Barkley is a Dumbass

Never put your trust in the hands of a teleprompter, machines are evil.

 

Hillary vs. Coffee Machine

Hillary vs. Coffee Machine

...or how America stoppped believing in democracy and started voting for the machines.

 

Butch Willis & The Rocks

Butch Willis & The Rocks

Who said music sucked in the 80s? It was a revolutionary time for fog machines and throat guitarists.

 

Heidi and Spencer Are Freedom

Heidi and Spencer Are Freedom

The answer to "What are the troops fighting for?" is clearly, "The Freedom of the Over Privileged Upper Class Dimwit Celebrities".

 

Slipknot - La Bamba

Slipknot - La Bamba

This answers the question of why they wear masks; they're a bunch of Mexicans evading border patrol.

 

Hillary "Double Barrel" Clinton

Hillary "Double Barrel" Clinton

I'll be able to answer phones, get drunk, start wars, and do all the other things boy presidents do, don't worry about it.

 

Luckiest Game Show Moments

Luckiest Game Show Moments

Saying the first thing that comes to mind is always the right answer.

 

Miley is good at...

Miley is good at...

Your answer will be forwarded to Chris Hansen.

 

Hayden Eats Babies

Hayden Eats Babies

Many have speculated as to how Hayden Panettiere has not become addicted to sex, drugs and booze, the answer is she has a different addiction, eating the heads off babies.

 

OTHER COOL STUFF