Ugh. We identify too much with this. Too much. We are crying right now. Crying. We hope you, too, can feel his pain if you're not fat. Today, we're all fat kids.

Watching random people get hurt to touching music really makes our day. It's the perfect combination, like peanut butter and chocolate.

Of course, by "jolliest" we mean "fattest." Or "hilarious." They are so intertwined it really doesn't matter.

If you don't believe us, check out this video. It'd be cruel, if the woman involved didn't look like she was laughing as hard as everyone else.

Kids: Don't try this at home. You will die. This kid didn't die because he's super skinny. Most of you are fat.

"I like to listen to Jock Jams. He's my favorite." Truer words were never spoken.

We'd rather workout and makeout with Richard Simmons.

And now for a big fat dose of ADORABLE.

What happens when you're a fat guy and you touch fruit? You almost die!

At least he didn't do the Truffle Shuffle.

This is payback for all the instructors that made you drive to pick up their laundry.

Further proof that bullies never grow up, they just get uniforms.

Here it is, your moment of zen.

Unilever, Dove's parent company, also produces Slim-Fast and Ben & Jerry's. Which is it, fat is beautiful or ugly?

Watching that annoying kid get hit with the skateboard in slow motion makes a pretty obvious connection. Fat kids are kind of like big whales.

This sexy vixen shows us the value of a well placed morning stretch. And how to hide an entire army of pies under your dunlap.

Jessica is the world's fattest child – and American. It's bizarre that this news story is done by German television, but it just makes me think of that chocolate-loving foreign exchange student on the Simpsons, and I giggle. P.S., you'll probably recognize her sofa-dance.

So all this time my enormous gut has been a defense mechanism? Oh, yeah, I totally did that on purpose.

And she stabs herself!

What's better than witnessing a fat kid doing something stupid? Laughing at him!!