We're not going to lie: this totally made us want to run to the bathroom, turn off the lights and hope to God nobody hears us.

Yes, she's one of our favorites. And yes, we don't know who that dude is standing next to her but we want to punch him in the face and steal Sophia away.

Katie Holmes is simply excited because Tom Cruise isn't by her side.

One of the side effects of taking the Red Pill is you will never ever get a tan.

Pretty sure the "Oh well I'm just a ditzy blonde" excuse doesn't apply to smoking meth out of a light bulb but it's worth a shot!

Remember those pictures of her unfavorable backside? Well it seems Jennifer Love Hewitt's two best friends had something to say about that on the red carpet last night.

Most of the middle east is hot, dull and colorless. What makes you think a terrorist would suddenly jump ship and start decorating things with pretty lights?

Oh Paris, that stunning shade of "Recently gave a blow job" red really accents your smile… and the fact that you're an idiot.

Amanda Lepore, some sort of tranny, spilled its breasts during a recent red carpet walk. Sex is officially ruined.

Lighting farts is so hot! Why can't all girls be like this. No, no wait - on second though, we don't want this.

Listen up sleuths, Carmen San Diego was spotted at the Lahore National Airport, you have 15 minutes to trap her by naming off African countries. Rockapella, take it away!

Adrian was not only the coolest red head on the block, but he was a bona fide sith lord. With his trusty lightsaber in hand, he was guaranteed to fend off any unwanted vaginal advances.

Compton High's remake of West Side Story, complete with an inter-district theater student exchange. Can you guess who is visiting from Beverly Hills High?

Actress Kate Beckinsale has some dirty, nasty teeth that she didn't even brush before a red carpet appearance! Get thee to a dentist, woman!

Sarah Michelle Gellar (or SMG as I call her) was caught on camera with the reddest eyes this side of Jamaica. She was hanging out with Mischa Barton, mayhaps?

I'm not really sure who TV actress Megan Fox is, or why she might be famous, but she walked the red carpet at the MTV Movie Awards long enough for photogs to get a good shot of one stupid, nonsensical tattoo. 'Gilded butterflies'? Come on!!

Here's Mischa about to light up another doob. No wonder she sucks at driving, the girl's stoned all the time!

Jessica Simpson recently crossed the red carpet in Vegas, where she had to wear weighted shoes to prevent her boobs from lifting the rest of her to the ceiling.

More Carmen! More burlesque!

When you need to air out your crotch, clean off the top of your Red Bull can.