Shortly after this picture was taken, John McCain crapped his pants.

There's a Ross and Rachel joke here somewhere but it's best not to think too much about John Mayer banging Jennifer Aniston.

And that's not even why John Mayer dumped it her, it gets worse apparently.

John Rambo kills everyone and has sex with no one.

This purse says "I am strong and independent, back off". Or, "I am a terrorist, detain me without question for many years at a time."

After attending a Kennedy Center gala, the White House realized someone had stolen several yards of curtains from the Oval Office.

Building a bridge over a river bed, because you think you're the man? Well Nature came up and just crap slapped you. Sit your ass down!

John Travolta is blessed by the power of Xenu. His magical thetans can transform him from "G.I Jane" to "Movie Flop" instantly.

Johnny hit the jackpot this summer when he realized he could fill freezer bags with grass-clippings and make a fortune selling weed to Jr. High kids.

Miss Jessica was seen partying like a single gal (John Mayer dumped her!) at PURE nightclub in Vegas recently. When's she selling a blow-up doll of herself?

I once overdosed on sexy. But then John Travolta brought me back by stabbing my chest with a needle. I'm cool now.

Jared Leto got fat for his role as John Lennon's killer. Then he got skinny for his roll as rock music killer. Because he's a douche.

Normal Person + Anonymity + Audience = Total F*¢kWad

Looks like Beyonce's having some trouble with her breasts -- her left boob is basically deformed!

It's not her fatness that scares me, surprisingly.

We'd scream too if we thought John Travolta from Battlefield Earth was holding us.