The Long Island Firecrotch got an early start on the glamorous alcoholism train. I hope those cosmos are virgin!!

The U.S. Mint actually made REAL quarters featuring the Silver Surfer, from the upcoming Fantastic Four movie. It's amazing how sold out our country can get.

Matthew McConaughey is an actor who gets paid to make out with bikini babes on the beach.

iGasm, a new iPod-powered vibrator, is pissing off Apple because its advertisements blatantly rip of the iPod brand. Maybe Steve Jobs would be less pissy if he got a little vibe-action in his life.

Creed front-douche Scott Stapp got arrested (again) when he came home high and threw an Orangina bottle at his wife. He also owns a lot of guns.

Paris doesn't need a bra for support, when she's got God and the good book on her side!

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, unless you're Pam Anderson and your nipple slips out of your dress, in which case the photos get posted all over the internets.

Classy-lookin' Lins was seen holding some book that's supposed to help her get a boyfriend. But we think that dress will do just fine!!

Paris is getting into shape before prison, and luckily for us man-lovers, her trainer is SUPER hot!!

Just add a can of Bawls and you've got a balanced breakfast. For geeks.

Paris Hilton constantly inspires art. That's why someone made a wax rendition of her in the middle of a suicide attempt. That won't get you out of prison, Paris!!

Even the wind is against Ms. Hilton as she leaves a courthouse appearance. Remember, Paris, behind bars you only get two pairs of undies per week!

Paris Hilton got sentenced to 45 days in jail! YAY!!!!

This Chinese chick has got some of the freakiest feet around. Maybe they quit foot-binding a little soon, huh?

Seriously, if he wasn't famous he'd get kicked out of places for being a homeless person. Scary. (He touches a supermodel with those fingers.)

Seriously, we get it, you've got some amazing new bra that you're trying to create a buzz around. Super. Now make yourself useful and become Volvo airbags.

Now that's what I call finger food! HA!!

Visual gags never get old.

…And apparently makes a career move out of it! He's got a reality show with them

That dumbass Mischa REALLY can't drive. First she got into a fender-bender with Nicole Richie's car, now this. Take away for keys!