"I spy something black and yellow quickly moving… towards my.. Wait a minute. DEAR GOD NO!"

"Man kid, your face looks so funny, I bet your mom is ugly as hell. I can hear my eyes blinking and I am friggin hungry. Give me that damned cake!"

Black tribesmen in Africa use their evil foot magic to revive a ranting Rosie O'Donnell. Food everywhere cowers in fear.

We applaud a woman who goes outside with no make up, but we would applaud you more if you brought along some sort of mask, or peper spray for our eyes.

Posh Spice has had enough of the American media. She is poised and ready to take over the country and install a government of blue eyed, blond haired zombie wives. Heil Posh!

She's a one-eyed, one-horned, really fat celebrity who might eat you. There comes a time when you should no longer be in love with your body. That time is now, Beth.

The pure love, that exudes from Michael Stipe's eyes, screams "forever". Everybody hurts… but not anymore.

Beth Ditto showed the the world her lady bits and ended up looking more like a black hole, sucking the life out of the room.

Keira Knightley looks like the Corpse Bride. She clearly will be the undead captain of The Black Pearl in the next Pirates movie.

Britney Spears is a witch. Only a level 8 Warlock with melee skills can change their eye color, its called a glamour. Look it up NEWB!

Tom Cruise and Katie "Robot" Holmes have used the power of Xenu to fast forward time to see what their beautiful baby girl will look like. My eyes… my eyes.

Bush may hate black people, but Kanye West hates any accessory that doesn’t make him look like more of a poser.

Greasy Bear Davis showed up on the LA club scene with a bloody eye. Someone is learning their place.

Jessica Alba was apparently freezing on the set of her new Movie, "The Eye". Jessica plays a blind girl who doesn’t believe in bras.

Mickey's eye's are slowly being shut by his plastic surgeon. It's for the best as his career quickly fades away.

...Gotta scratch it... THERE! Got it!

Tara's got the most cock-eyed boobs I've ever seen. Therefore I must gouge out my eyes to see no more.

Sisley's new controversial ad campaign features skinny models with their eyes rolled back, snorting "lines" off a white dress. Apparently spelling "fashion" like "heroin" is also chic, now.

Paris donned a black wig to make an "incognito" escape to Maui after her Larry King interview. I guess saving the world can wait for vacation!

Happy Paris was greeted by the press and her family outside Lynwood Correction Facility at her releasal Monday night.