This week Philip Norris defends a horny teacher’s right to sleep with one of his or her students. Sexy!

This week Lou grills Harry Potter on the final book, and finds out whether he dies or not!

This week Philip Norris gives you the lowdown on who to vote for in the upcoming election.

Soccer Star David Beckham and his hot Spice Wife have settled down state side. Who better to give them a proper American greeting than Philip Norris?

This week a new face is added to the LG news crew. Lou Berk, our crotchety newsman, speaks with Paris Hilton live from her Five Star Jail Cell.

Our interview team invaded the Star Wars 30th Anniversary Celebration, to ask fans about Star Wars weddings, crazy costumes, and Anakin's cooter.

Watch your little girls when you watch American Idol – or else Sanjaya will turn them into the devil!

LG got up close and personal with Will Ferrell and all the stars of the upcoming film Blades of Glory. Was Will able to handle our intense tag team interviews? Watch it and find out!

Warning: Oprah Magazine’s response to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is not for the faint of heart (or stomach).

Haley wrecked his car, Snakes switched to trains, and there’s no privacy at the sperm bank. Philip Norris is your man, although he’s too much of a pussy to go to the Middle East right now.

Star Jones wallows in self pity, Wacko Jacko moves to Europe and Jessica isn’t good enough for Dallas.

Star Jones almost died this week from getting a boob job. In this episode, Philip Norris ponders a world without this very fat lady who annoys the crap out of all of us.

This week Hooters Casino opens in Las Vegas, a Full House actress is addicted to crystal meth, and there’s a Superbowl game or something.

This year New Year’s Eve sucks, the donut man dies, New Orleans comes back to life, and your mom looks at porn.

This week a Star Trek cast member comes out of the closet, Stallone wants to do another Rambo, and there might be another crazy Jackson on the loose.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.