This week Philip Norris defends a horny teacher’s right to sleep with one of his or her students. Sexy!

This week Lou grills Harry Potter on the final book, and finds out whether he dies or not!

Philip Norris explains why Adam Lambert lost American Idol and why Americans hate the gays. Good Times!

This week Philip Norris gives you the lowdown on who to vote for in the upcoming election.

This week Philip Norris talks about how Amy Winehouse hates everyone that's not white. What color is she anyway?

This week Philip Norris reports on Paris Hilton's brother, Gary Coleman and the writer's strike.

Jamie Lynn Spears has gotten herself all preggers! We do not need any more Spears children in this world!

This week Britney, Paris and Jodie Foster get gay together, Scrooge McDuck is mistaken for Donald Trump and David Blaine is on drugs.

This week Lour Berk talks to Dumbledore about his gayness and why he’s so gay.

Watch your little girls when you watch American Idol – or else Sanjaya will turn them into the devil!

Warning: Oprah Magazine’s response to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is not for the faint of heart (or stomach).

Britney blasts out her second baby, The Pope blasts Islam and Madonna blasts off. Philip Norris knows it all – because he’s not a stupid woman.

The Hunter’s no more, Suri is adored, and Paris is a drunken whore. Philip Norris delivers the stories, but not via a C-Section.

Lance is out, Al Qaida wants war, and the Tour De France is a crack house. Philip Norris is on the scene – unless he gets hit by the Girls Gone Wild bus.

Food rules this week as Reese is fat, Bush is “Hungary” and Katharine McPhee can’t keep her lunch down.

The hottest new baby – that’s NOT a Scientologist!

This week Hooters Casino opens in Las Vegas, a Full House actress is addicted to crystal meth, and there’s a Superbowl game or something.

This week Bush will address the nation, Google loves the communists, Joaquin Phoenix almost dies, Chris Penn does die, and Clay Aiken is gay.

This week somebody kills Santa, Morgan Freeman stops racism, people search for Britney Spears on the internets and Kevin Federline drives a Ferrari. Not much going on.

This week Kanye West discusses his homophobia, Wal-Mart hires illegals, 50 Cent teaches us how to read, and Michael Jackson uses the women’s bathroom.