This week Philip Norris defends a horny teacher’s right to sleep with one of his or her students. Sexy!

This week Lou grills Harry Potter on the final book, and finds out whether he dies or not!

This week Philip Norris gives you the lowdown on who to vote for in the upcoming election.

Heath Ledger is dead and Philip Norris is angry. Find out why, and what his rant has to do with soccer balls!

Watch your little girls when you watch American Idol – or else Sanjaya will turn them into the devil!

Warning: Oprah Magazine’s response to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is not for the faint of heart (or stomach).

The O.C. is dead. Liquid Generation tries to make sense of a senseless world.

Anna Nicole makes cash, Spinach makes you sick, and the Paparazzi makes Diaz’s day. Philip Norris has the stories, and he’s hopped up on “Cocaine.”

This week Hooters Casino opens in Las Vegas, a Full House actress is addicted to crystal meth, and there’s a Superbowl game or something.

This week somebody kills Santa, Morgan Freeman stops racism, people search for Britney Spears on the internets and Kevin Federline drives a Ferrari. Not much going on.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.