Philip Norris explains why Adam Lambert lost American Idol and why Americans hate the gays. Good Times!

This week your pal Philip Norris rants about how big of an idiot Richie Sambora is for driving drunk with his 10-year-old daughter in the car.

Eliot Spitzer will go down in history as one of the biggest idiots in politics... ever! And he loves whores.

This week Philip Norris reports on Paris Hilton's brother, Gary Coleman and the writer's strike.

This week Britney, Paris and Jodie Foster get gay together, Scrooge McDuck is mistaken for Donald Trump and David Blaine is on drugs.

This week Lour Berk talks to Dumbledore about his gayness and why he’s so gay.

Lance is out, Al Qaida wants war, and the Tour De France is a crack house. Philip Norris is on the scene – unless he gets hit by the Girls Gone Wild bus.

This week Bush will address the nation, Google loves the communists, Joaquin Phoenix almost dies, Chris Penn does die, and Clay Aiken is gay.

This week Kanye West discusses his homophobia, Wal-Mart hires illegals, 50 Cent teaches us how to read, and Michael Jackson uses the women’s bathroom.

This week a Star Trek cast member comes out of the closet, Stallone wants to do another Rambo, and there might be another crazy Jackson on the loose.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.