So you've finally seen the iPad and made a tampon joke or two about it. But if my gut is telling the truth, then we're all going to be dead when the people at Apple Corporate murder us with their lazer beam eyes. Seriously! Have you checked out that iPad video yet? Here are some stills:

Senior Vice President of Industrial Design Jonathan Ive is responsible for make the things at Apple pretty. However, his eyes can see through your underpants and shoot amazingly designed lazer beams at your face, so watch out.

After he's done eating all the meat on your bones, SVP of Hardware Bob Mansfield, will kidnap your 13-year-old nephew and try to play video games with him. Or he might appear in Crimson Tide 2 - SERIOUSLY GUYS, DOESN'T HE LOOK LIKE THAT ONE GUY? JUST A LITTLE BIT?

Scott Forstall, SVP of iPhone Software, will stare at you from across the room until you're completely naked. I kid you not. He will not leave until then.

Okay, stop looking at them. You know what I'm talking about. This is getting a little childish right now.

Glen Bell, the founder of both Taco Bell and Wienerschnitzel, died on Saturday at the age of 86.

I know that this news has deeply effected several of my friends... one friend in particular... When my friends are sad, I get sad, so I am... sad.

I got sadder just now, when I went to the Taco Bell and Wienerschnitzel websites and discovered that neither had made any kind of move to honor or even acknowledge the passing of the man who gave them life, the man who gave their taste flavor combinations to the world.

So, I urge all of you to post these commemorative Glen Bell is dead, death logos on your own websites, blogs, and Friendster pages to honor his last... run for the boarder.

Here is a list of fun facts about Glen Bell that I put together, so you can share when people ask why they should care.

1. He FOUNDED Taco Bell. What else do you want?

2. He co-founded Wienerschnitzel. They have a new Coney Island Dog.

3. He divorced his first wife Dorothy because she didn't like Mexican food.

4. While in the marines he loved food so much that he was assigned to be a waiter.

5. A former employee of his at Taco Bell founded Del Taco. Yeah! This guy is directly responsible for Del Taco too!

6. He looked great in a sombrero.

Look, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this, and yes, just like you, I think it's kinda creepy and weird, but I'm pretty sure Dakota Fanning and I are going to start dating soon.

I have never met D-Fan, but after reading her interview in M Magazine, I feel like I have known her my entire life, or at least her entire life. She likes arts and crafts like knitting, and I have an art degree. Plus, my mom likes to crochet, which is like knitting for people who you don't want to trust with two sharp metal objects. She is a cheerleader at her high school, and I went to high school. She is in the Twilight movie series, and I want to be in the last Twilight movie.

Okay, so those are all nice things to have in common, but you are probably saying to yourself, "Chuck, Dakota Fanning doesn't want to date you."

You're probably right. She probably doesn't want to date me.

GUESS WHAT. I don't want to date her either. I don't like blondes from No-Ho, and home schooled kids creep me out. I don't care if she isn't home schooled anymore (all information "dished" and "spilled" in the M Magazine article).

WE don't want to date each other, but...

...her parents, managers, agents, paparazzi, magazine publishers, Perez Hilton, and TMZ do (this is an curtailed list).

Everyone around her is itching for her to shed her little girl image and move into the role of leading lady sexpot. Just look at the latest cover of V Magazine. They are doing everything they can to turn her into the next Heather Graham. What do you think Hounddog was all about, or her playing an all powerful evil force to be reckoned with in the Twilight movies? But, it's just not working, and they are scrambling for options. Miley Cyrus has already pulled the showing a little skin for Vanity Fair stunt. She can't "accidently" send naked pictures of herself to the press like those other Disney girls, or do a porn like Paris Hilton, because she is still underage, and her parents could face some serious jail time for something like that.

What's left?

Dating an older man... a much older man. A man of mystery... Someone who would really have people asking why... no really, why?

Who is that man? Me.

If she started dating Josh Duhamel, Josh Hartnett, or even Josh Groban, people wouldn't be all that shocked or interested. They would be interested, and a little disturbed by the age difference, but Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise didn't catch that much scrutiny over their ages. They are both famous and good looking, but imagine what kind of media hell storm would erupt if I started dating Tom Cruise... I mean D-Fan.

Things I couldn't figure out how to work into this blog post but I really wanted to:

1.D-Fan once played a young Ellen Degeneress.

2. Dakota is next to Montana.

3. D-Fan might be a C-Fan someday, keep reading M Magazine for the scooped spilled dishes.

Chuck McCarthy is the mastermind behind IdeasByChuck.com, where he gives away great ideas in the hopes that you turn them into reality and remember to send him a small percentage of your profits. He Twitters here and Tumbls here. Chuck will be guest blogging for LiquidGeneration the next couple weeks!

Question 1:  Is this a real photo or a still from the soon to be released hit sequel event of the summer, Coming To America Too, starring Tyler Perry?

Question 2:  Is this a real world leader or some sort of Epcot Center exhibit?

Question 3:  Do you know who this is?

Click here for the answers!

I have no idea what Michael Jordan's been doing since he retired from basketball, but apparently he's been sucking at Twitter. Badly. Almost everyday. This peak inside his brain makes us believe that he might be the most boring super talented person in the world. He's defintely no Shaq, whose tweets routinely make us go lolwhut (lolwhu!?!). Here's a sample of the basketball legend's greatest non-hits:

Clearly, Michael Jordan is your 55-year-old mom with a huge crush on somebody.

This is the only he can say about the New Years? You ate too many shrimp. You're a legend and this is your only comment about NYE. Fantastic. At least we know we had a better NYE than somebody.

TWO HANDS TOGETHER, PEOPLE. LET'S CLAP IT UP. MICHAEL JORDAN DOES WHAT I DO EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT AFTER DRINKING A 24 PACK OF PABST.

Clearly, Gizmodo should hire this guy.

Ok, we have to hand it to MJ. This is a question worth asking. If you're 4-years-old. Or high. He was probably high.

If you'd like periodic updates from LG, you can follow us on Twitter @liquidgen. We promise to be just as boring as MJ and not spam you.

Ready for your brain to be melted? We've found 4 of the craziest Optical Illusions on the internet. When I sent these to my Mom and her friends, they were blown away. Almost immediatly, all of them ran to their internets, fired up AOL 5.0 and sent off a chainletter to everyone they knew. Subject line: IF YOU DON'T SEND THESE OPTICAL ILLUSIONS TO TEN PEOPLE YOU'LL GET THE HERP. Such sweet people. But seriously, these are some of the best Optical Illusions anywhere and they'll leave you completely baffled. The mind, it's a crazy, miraculous thing. 

1. In this optical illusion, all of the grey lines are parallel to each other.

2. This is the same type of illusion as above. All of the lines are parallel to each other, and all of the boxes are correct squares with 90 degree angles.

3. See the squiggly black lines? Yeah, they're not squiggly. They are completely straight. Your mind: it's effing with you.

4. This is the optical illusion that really got us. That circle is not a circle. It's a Triangle. Don't believe us? Hold your head close to the screen and take a closer look. It's a freaking triangle, dude.

Tiger Woods isn't the only tiger being naughty this holiday season. We've found some others who are just as despicable.

See more after the jump by clicking here!

How to seduced Santa Claus:

1. Wear a belly shirt

2. Play him a song on the saxophone

3. Tell him that the saxophone fits in your butt.

Look. Yeah we're going to keep posting about Tiger Woods because that's the only thing on the news right now. So unless Jeff Goldblum dies in the next twenty minutes or we just fall alseep while writing this post, this is what you're stuck with so just deal.

So far there are SEVEN girls (or NINE, nobody really knows) who have come out and said they banged Tiger Woods. That's a lot of secret phone numbers to keep in your secret iPhone which will eventually make it's way onto the internet so that your secret sexy sext messages and nude pictures will be seen by the world! Respect!

In case you were wondering which of his mistresses is the hottest, we've got that taken care of for you. We're even going to add Elin to the mix because we're worried she'll be jealous (she's suffered enough!). This was a relatively easy task because the girls all have their own look. None of them really look the same. It seems that Tiger's only requirment for banging a girl was that she had a vagina - that's it! So here we go...

8. Florida waitress, Mindy Lawton. She looks like one of our alcoholic neighbors. "WUD YOU LIKKKE MEE TOOO SEDUSH UUUUUUUUUUU!"

7. Rachel Uchitel. This an old photo of her. In her new photos she looks like this, but more plastic. And less like her lips are made of liver.

6. Don't know what Tiger saw in Jaimee Grubbs. We guess it's kind of cool that she was in Tool Academy. Wait. No we don't. There is nothing redeaming about this chick besides her taste in short red clothes. Moving on.

5. Porn star Holly Sampson. Now we're talking. Now we understand why Tiger Woods would cheat on his wife: Elin obviously hated gay people. Holly Sampson supports gay people so much she's willing to wear a rainbow bikini on her boobs. That could be the only reason why he'd sleep with a porn star, right? RIGHT!?!

(click here to see the rest of the list)

Sooooooooo, without further adieu, and without the fear of any of you calling me a tranny or a Marilyn Manson look-a-like or a fat cow or a wanna-be Madonna or a bubble butt or former nobody or Kathy Griffin's penis or a total waste of space everywhere I walk, I present to you the latest outfits I'm working on this week.

If you have any costume concepts for me you can email them to LadyGaGaIsFashionable@gmail.com. I'll post them next week if they don't suck! 

ADAM LAMBERT 4 EVAHHHHH,

Lady Gaga

XOXO====)

P.S. You can see more of my design sketches here.

Dear Helga,

I’ve always been fit, but recently, I’ve been stressed out and working a lot, and I’ve put on 10 pounds. I’m horrified by it, but my boyfriend says that he can’t tell the difference. I find that extremely hard to believe. Are guys really that nonchalant about weight?

Dear Tenner,

Of the few certainties in life, you can be certain of two things: 1.) men don’t fake orgasm – and 2.) are NOT nonchalant about YOUR weight.

Even though your BF may be carrying the last 50 beers he drank around his belly, your extra dime is a bigger crown of thorns for him than for you. But – he is wisely taking the passive approach – for now. He wants to see if you are really as horrified as you claim to be.

Get your tonnage back to the gym big-cheeks. You’re not following process. First you marry him and pop out 2.5 children THEN you can cut your hair, gain your weight, quit your job and whatever else you women do before settling on the couch for the next 30 years.  

Love,

Helga

Do you have a question that can only be answered by our uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual? Write to him/her: helga@helgasmailroom.com

Or Visit: http://www.helgasmailroom.com

Or, better yet, get bent.

Boston.com outed all the celebrities who've had the Swine Flu, and good for them. These people need to be taken off the streets. They need to be banned from the public. I know these people are celebrities, and I know the entertainment they provide for hundreds of people across the world is important. But they need to stop...stop doing whatever they are doing. I'm talking about David Krejci and Chris Douglas-Roberts. I'm talking about that Rupert Grint. Landon Donovan, Brian Littrell, and that Melissa Rycroft, too. David Boreanaz, you're in our sights...

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE? WHY THE HELL IS BOSTON.COM TRYING TO MAKE MY HEAD EXPLODE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE? EVEN RACHEL MADDOW AND DR. SANJAY GUPTA BARELY HIT MY RADAR BECAUSE I'M ALLERGIC TO CNN AND MSNBC (Fox News all the way, baby!). YOU MEAN LADY GAGA IS NOT SICK!?! JON & KATE PLUS AND THEIR EIGHT LITTLE PIGGIES DON'T HAVE THE SNIFFLES YET!?! THANK YOU. THANK YOU, LORD. THANK YOU, SWEET EVERYBODY. BOSTON.COM, NEXT TIME YOU SEND AN ALERT OUT LIKE THIS MAKE SURE IT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT BEFORE I GO ALL CAPLOCKS ON YOUR ASS AND HURT SOMEBODY.

/KTHXBAI

P.S. I can't wait for this movie to come out...

(via Boston.com)

If God was so smart, why did he design male genetalia to be 1) as low as it is and 2) totally unprotected. He gave turtles a hardshell and that animal is just about useless if you ask me. Humans created space shuttles, heavy metal music and Maury Povich. They should be protected, especially the itsty bitsy parts of them that makes babies. Such poor design decisions, God. If Steve Jobs was your boss you'd be totally fired.

Today, as Nancy Pelosi was walking somewhere and being important, a reporter following her totally crashed his balls into something that was not a Femaie Baby Incubator. Here's that video, and some others featuring guys who might not be able to get an erection anymore.

Reporter takes a dive. Woops.

We feel that the Japanese dudes featured in this video actually LOVE being hit in the crotch.

This guy's balls actually flew up through his stomach and out of his mouth, but you can't see it due to YouTube's crappy video quality.

Finally, these guys are true friends.