Here's Paris Hilton and her young new friend, modeling one of Paris' original creations:

You might remember that while Paris was in jail, she said she would do charity work.  It's reassuring to see Paris following through -- it looks like she has really decided to give back to the community.  After all, what better way to help future generations than by inspiring them to be rich, trashy sluts? 

I mean, look at that little girl.  So innocent and cute.  With Paris' help, she might grow up to have a sex tape of her very own, or if she really works hard, she'll star in a commercial where she humps a car while eating a burger.

Aww...

Sex tapes, partying all the time, going to jail -- eventually, bad behavior catches up to you.  Paris Hilton learned that the hard way, because recently her grandfather took away her giant $59 inheritance.  That's not a big deal though, right?  I mean, she's probably got millions upon millions in the bank from commercials, sex tape royalties, and her pay checks from that stupid reality show.  Isn't this just a drop in the bucket?

No.

You see, from a banking perspective, it's not a super crisis - she can suffer in a mansion with one less giant gold jacuzzi.  However, her main problem is that her occupation is "celebrity heiress."  Lord knows she's not a good singer or actress -- her purpose in life is to be an heir: to collect wealth when her family croaks.  It is perhaps the simplest job in the universe, and now she can't even do that right.

So now she must ask herself some questions: "What exactly is my purpose on this earth?"  "What am I even qualified to do?"  "Do I have any skills?"  I mean, she can't even stay out of jail, for crying out loud.  Yeah, she can do without more money, but she can't do without the inheritance.  It's what makes Paris Paris.  Without it, she's just a girl who's famous for no reason, who's almost certainly going through an existential crisis of mass proportions.  Maybe she'll follow in the footsteps of her grandfather and become a philanthropist, lol.

Newly sprung from jail heiress Paris Hilton said she found God in prison and will stop acting shallow.  Well... right after posing for the paparazzi in a bikini.  However, Desperate House-lady Eva Longoria has been caught in a bikini recently as well, so we must answer that important question: Who looks hotter - Paris or Eva?

Round 1 - "The Look Away":

Round 2: The Butt...

Guess who has exclusive video footage of Larry King's interview with Paris Hilton? Yes, that's right! We do! And let's hope this is my final Paris Hilton post of the year.
 

No, what you're looking at is not a Photoshopped picture, it's real. And it's why the New York Post is my favorite newspaper of all time. No other newspaper has the audacity to do something so retarded and that is why I love them. 

God Bless the New York Post!  

Kottke pointed out that Paris Hilton looked her most natural as she was getting out of jail this morning. She's not posing (in the face at least; she was kinda doing the cat walk thing). She truly looks happy. Like too happy. Like happy we-might-want-to-be-friends-with-her kind of happy. She doesn't look annoying, stuck up, or just Paris-like. She's wearing no make-up, and she looks good. We're going to hate ourselves for writing this...but Paris is beautiful! Not hot, not sexy...just beautiful.

It's just too bad this isn't going to last long. Lindsay gets out of jail soon; it's Thirsty Thursday at Hyde Lounge tomorrow. The world will return to it's natural order in time.
 

Tomorrow's going to be crazy. Paris Hilton will be released from jail and Los Angeles is going to turn into a warzone. Helicopters are going to be everywhere. They've blocked off access to the road leading up to Paris' house. The media is already camping out at Lynwood waiting for her exit. I'm guessing that they'll let her out in the middle of the night while everyone is asleep in their news vans, or maybe they'll helicopter her away to some remote island where she'll wait for this whole thing to die down until the release of her next sex tape. I'm hoping that this will all be reported OJ style, where we'll see her slow drive from the jail to her house and people will be on the highways holding "Welcome Home" signs for her. She deserves that much.

In case you want to catch a glimpse of Paris tomorrow, here are the places to camp out.  

Paris Hilton's Home Address:

Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood:

Oh how sweet! Paris Hilton has been writing her fans from jail! Paris probably put as much thought into this as, say, M.L.K or Nelson Mandela did when they were writing letters in jail. Who knows...we might find this letter in the Smithsonian 20 years from now, or perhaps in the Paris Whitney Hilton Memorial Library inside the bathroom stall of Hyde Lounge in Hollywood.

[source: E!] 

I saw something odd on TMZ today.  It's an ad for a car dealership...

At first, I was gonna single these guys out as being sleazy, for taking advantage of Paris like that, but then I noticed that lots of businesses are doing it: