So LG Headquarters was thrown into chaos last Friday when news of Britney going loco hit the internets.

HairyBearToes (LG Illustrator): Slippy, you here at about britney?

Me: No, is she dead?

HairyBearToes: Sadly no. An ambulance is at her house. They're going to take her away! Make them stop, Slippy! Make them Stop!

But stop them I couldn't not.

It's always a little interesting when big celebrity news happens on a Friday. Just like a news organization, we have to rush to put something out. Whether it be a Suck My News or other little animation, if we don't talk about something this big on our site, then we're just a bunch of losers.

Because we're awesome we made TWO funny pieces on Britney at the last minute. First,  we took Lou Berk out of cobwebs so he can interview Britney. I think the piece came out really great. Then we took the final scene of the movie Psycho and tweaked it a bit and the result was this.

Then the worst thing in the world happened....

BRITNEY WAS RELEASED FROM THE MO'FO'IN HOSPITAL THE NEXT DAY! WTF!

In a matter of hours the two pieces we made were a little less timely, which sucks. I mean, she could have stayed in the hospital at least another day for two for these pieces to run their cycle. But no, the docs at the hospital had to go release her. Damn them. Don't they know that people are dependent on Britney being in a hospital, whacked out of her mind?

From GodTube, which is like YouTube but more, uh, Godly. A woman named Catherine Hilton says a prayer for Britney Spears. It should come as no surprise to people that a Christian should be so loving of Britney. Jesus himself once forgave a prostitute, so forgiving a whore is really no big deal.

Also, she prays for everything during the video -- for Britney, Kevin, her kids, but most hilarious of all -- her music! She prays that Britney sings about more positive things. Yeah, sure. Keep on praying, lady.

Dude, what's wrong with you people in Los Angeles? You move to this town wanting to become rich and famous and hook up with Scott Baio, but you show no love to the one's who've already made it. What a shame. I'm talking to you, lady who threw here double frappamochachinolatte at Britney and her sister and told them to get the hell out of Brentwood. You are evil. You should kill yourself. How dare you try to kick Britney out of the neighborhood. People keep on saying Britney's deranged, but really the deranged ones are people like you that throw coffee at others.

Why?

Do you know how much a cup of coffee costs? It's like $4.50 these days! More if you add a little soy or a dash of that syrupy stuff that will give you cancer in 6 months. Even worse, the coffee beans that are used in your coffee were harvested by some Guatemalan boy who worked about 25 hours a day to pick those beans. They get, like, one 15 minute break every 12 hours or something. It's sick. And if they're caught stealing one of the beans or dipping them in chocolate for a nice chocolaty snack? They get their hands cut off. Little Guatemalan boys get their hands cut off for stealing coffee beans. Think about that for a second. Think about all those handless Guatemalan boys out there who are walking around their shanty towns handless because they were hungry. Then think about that wasted cup of coffee you threw on Britney because she just wanted a little pick me up. Blood Coffee. You're drinking Blood Coffee, lady. And you threw it at Britney Spears. I hope it was worth it.

BREAKING NEWS! Britney Spears was arrested for prostitution, snorting cocaine off her baby's stomach, and for just being a total nasty whore. In all of my time as an Pulitzer Prize-deserving journalist, I've never seen a story quite like this. It makes me want to jump into an empty 20-foot deep pool and end it all. I'm sure you'll feel the same. You know, we can all do this together. The world is depressing, and this story proves it. How can we all live together in harmony when there are crazies like Britney driving around and snorting cocaine off toddlers. Off another man's back or her assistant's ass, yes, I get that. But this just isn't right.

Check out the video detailing her disgusting arrest. I'm off to go find an empty pool.

I have to admit that I never take pleasure in hearing that a mother has just lost her kids. It's kind of sad, actually. I can't even imagine how it must feel to split from the children you gave birth too, and then to hand them over to some degenerate pothead with an annoying decent-looking faux-beard. The fact that it's the California Government that ordered the split doesn't make it any better, but that's a blog post for another time. I just want you to know that all of us here feel very sorry for Britney Spears today.

However, despite our personal feelings on this matter, it is our duty to give you a reason to come to Liquid Generation. It's our duty to look at celebrity shame and tragedy in the face and say, "We will make fun of that person." We will degrade, defame and de [fill in the blank!] whoever and whatever we can. As any creative, free-spirited creature of the internet will tell you, websites exist solely to bring people down. It was that way in the beginning, and it's still very much that way. Liquid Generation shares in this fine tradition. So, I guess what I'm saying is...

Stay tuned, we'll be making fun of Britney shortly.
 

By now you know that Britney Spears totally borked her performance at the VMAs. It was truly, truly awful.  I wouldn't be surprised if in the next couple of days she does an Owen Wilson. She looked dead. Stoned. Lost. Drunk. All of those things put together. I'd pray for her but I don't think God even cares to put up with her anymore.

I've heard a number of rumors about why her performance was so horrible. 1) She heard about Sarah Silverman's jokes before she went on stage. I don't believe this one because I doubt SS actually read her any of the jokes to Brit. 2) She's addicted to drugs, more specifically, Oxycontin. I kind of believe this...though maybe she took a sedative instead of the Hillbillie Heroin. It's been a long time since she's done a performance of this scale, and maybe she needed to relax. But does it even matter? Whatever she's on she's addicted, and she looks bad.
Oh yeah, and she looked like a pork chop. I'm not saying she's a fat ass or anything....oh wait, yes I am.

As for the rest of the VMAs, I thought they were pretty cool. Defintely love the house party feel to the performances in the suites. Nobody managed to suck. Although, Britney did set the bar pretty low. Everything sounded excellent compared to her performance.

The best of the night? Chris Brown. Even though I have no idea who this guy is, I enjoyed watching him dance. Now maybe if all the performers can would on their lip syncing skills, then maybe we'll have a real show to watch.
 

In case you haven't heard, Britney Spears has leaked her new single to Perez. Listen to the track right here, and them come back to read my professional assessment of the song.

My friends seem to be in love with the song, but I'm not so sure. I've always been with Team Aguilera, and I can count the number of Brit's songs that I've actually heard all the way through on one finger. There's something toxic (hey ohhhhh!) about the sound of her voice. It's just that horrible. Like her ass. God what has happened to her. So 

Here are the Top Ten Reasons You Shouldn't Listen to the New Britney Spears' Song.

10. You're not an idiot

9. You respect yourself

8. You're not a moron

7. You're not an idiot

6. You respect yoursself

5. You're not a moron

4. You're not an idiot

3. You're not a moron

2. You're not an idot

1. You don't like to dance, like an idiot or moron or someone who respects themselves.  

This is going to be good. Star Magazine is going to report that Kevin Federline might have banged Britney Spears' mom, Lynne.  Perhaps this is the real reason why Britney Spears is going coo-coo for Coco-Puffs. If my ex-wife was banging my dad, I'd surely have a few issues. Especially if like Federline, my ex-wife was white trash, didn't have a job, was the biggest douche bag in the entire world, and wrote a song called Popozoa. I'm just saying.

That said, Britney's mom is kind of hot. Nice one, Kevin!

Wherever you go during the summer, you will see ads for movies -- huge billboards, mouth-watering TV trailers, and possibly even a Kwik-E-Mart or two.  The point of movie advertising isn't just to raise awareness of the film, it's also to get you to like the movie before you see it.  Marketing executives want to manage your expectations: if the campaign for Transformers makes the movie look cool, and the movie is at least relatively cool, then there's a good chance you'll like it even more than you would without the hype.

Britney Spears is gonna prove that the same concept works in reverse.

Creatively, we're all looking for Britney to fail.  News reports peg her as completely deranged and losing her touch, so naturally her music should suffer.  What goes up in 1999 must crash land by 2007.  Hearing the sneak preview of what is purportedly her new single, which is described in the article as "terrible," I can safely say it sounds no better or worse than any other Britney Spears song.  All her music is mediocre dance pop for 12-year-olds, and I can certainly imagine this playing at the Spring Fling at an Illinois Middle School.

However, the comments after the post are telling.  "Train wreck," "washed up media whore," "NOBODY CARES ABOUT THIS SELF-CENTERED MEDIA SKANK" are just a drop in the bucket.  They're not commenting a lot on Britney's song, but that's no surprise.  Her fans care most about her image, which has been tarnished past the point of quick, immediate repair.

In other words, you will hate the new Britney single no matter what it sounds like, because you hate the new Britney.  It would take a lot of advertising dollars to make you think otherwise.