Hey, this is John Mayer, writing about my big summer tour: 

Looking forward to playing Vegas tonight, where things STAY in Vegas. I've got plans that are gonna need to be buried, if you catch my drift. Plans like:

* Sleeping with fans.
* Gambling.
* Smoking weed.
* That's pretty much it, but isn't that enough?

After this recent break-up with Jessica, which is final, I can assure you*, I'm ready to party again! Really party! Then I've got to go back to California. ~SIGH~ Touring's a bitch.

I just played two shows in California -- if you were there, you were probably screaming for me. God knows everyone always does. Still, one reviewer panned my show, saying I don't have a sense of humor. What? Hello? Does "stand-up comedian John Mayer" ring a bell? I'd like to see Ben Folds get up on stage at a comedy club. I mean, I love the little guy, but he'd poo his pants. Reviewers - what do they know? Not much, apparently.

From the road,

JM


*Note: I cannot assure you that this will be the case.

[To read more from John Mayer, check out his own blog.  He's also happy to answer any questions you might have for him.]

The world is recovering from a monumental tragedy, and apparently nobody at In Touch Magazine fully comprehends that. I'm embarrassed for myself, Jessica, Brad and Angelina that we're awkwardly wedged into a cover on a supermarket trash mag that should be dedicated entirely to the Virginia Tech shootings. See for yourself.

Nauseating. I mean, Newsweek did a full cover on the tragedy - why can't In Touch? I hate to have to do their jobs for them, but apparently it's up to me to propose a tasteful cover for their crummy magazine. If they're so desperate to get gossip out in front, I say consider the feelings of a grieving nation and use a pull-out cover:

I think that's an appropriate compromise. Now come on, In Touch, it's time to get your head in the game. Frankly, I'm embarrassed for your staff and their families.

-JM 

[To read more from John Mayer, check out his own blog.  He's also happy to answer any questions you might have for him.]  

It's been a busy week, suffering in Australia, a continent of surfing idiots. Soon I'll be in Canada, which is clean and has heard of me.

This week, I want to give you all a bit of advice. The odds are good that there are a lot of losers reading this blog. Now don't go taking what I said out of context. I'm not saying you're a loser, but let's face it, not every one of my readers is a successful, happy and important person. I like to think that I am -- now -- but I wasn't until recently. You see, I wasn't really happy until I found love.

For years now, I've had screaming fans, best-selling albums, tons of statues and critics eating out of the palm of my hand. I had everything, but none of it really mattered. I still felt like a loser. Like something in my life was missing. Now that I've found Jess, I feel complete. Whole. I feel like I'm winning for the first time in my life.

Actually, all those things I mentioned in the first sentence (screaming fans, the Grammy awards, etc.) mattered to me a great deal, and still do. My music is such an important part of me, and being able to spread the blues and make a substantial living doing so has always made me feel like a total winner.

So, Jessica doesn't complete me, per se. She's a welcome addition to the avalanche of success that is my life. I love her, and she makes me very happy, as does my fame, fans, and music career. Therefore, I guess my advice to all the losers out there is this: nothing compliments fame and fortune better than someone to love. Groupies will only get you so far.

-JM

[To read more from John Mayer, check out his own blog.  He's also happy to answer any questions you might have for him.] 

Why do Australians like Jessica better than me? I've watched their Crocodile Dundee. I've enjoyed their koalas. I've even eaten their bloomin' onion (at Chili's, not at Outback Steakhouse, but it's exactly the same at both restaurants). What more do I have to do?

I mean, don't get me wrong. It's not a competition, but I feel like I need to win over this entire country to my side. Yes, I don't have big breasts, but my music contains big truths, which bounce proudly in the face of political lies and corporations. Surely the substance of my music should help me eclipse Jessica's well-admired mounds on my own tour. I'm supposed to be spreading the power of the blues, and instead I'm a tag-along to my well-endowed girlfriend.

"The greatest humiliation in life is to work hard on something from which you expect great appreciation, and then fail to get it." - Edgar Watson Howe

I love Jess. When we kiss on Australia's many beaches, it's like fireworks. When we stop kissing, it's like the fireworks are blasting straight into my eyes, blinding me, because these muscular surfers push me out of the way to get her autograph. It's embarrassing. Australia, you're embarrassing yourself!

*Sigh*

[To read more from John Mayer, check out his own blog.  He's also happy to answer any questions you might have for him.]

Another testament to my reputation:

Jessica Simpson stunned guests at a Rome hotel by romping noisily with her lover John Mayer, it has been claimed. [...] 'Jessica and John got back fairly early and stayed in all night. But by the sounds of it, they didn't get to sleep for a long time.'"

Jessica Simpson stunned guests at a Rome hotel by romping noisily with her lover John Mayer, it has been claimed. [...] 'Jessica and John got back fairly early and stayed in all night. But by the sounds of it, they didn't get to sleep for a long time.'"

[To read more from John Mayer, check out his own blog.  He's also happy to answer any questions you might have for him.]

The rumor mills are churning about a wedding between myself and a certain well-known pop princess (of course, I'm talking about JoJo*).

Deep breaths...

Some of my commenters (hey, guys) made the point that I shouldn't give these rumor-mongers much credence. That's good advice. The more weight I give the rumors, the more they will snowball out of control. So I'll just ignore those assholes and move on. Thank you, everyone.

Side Topic

Here's a random question for the ladies: let's say you were really wealthy and had everything in the whole world you could possibly want. If a really cool guy proposed to you, would you want him to buy you a big fancy ring, even though it probably wouldn't impress you at all, or would a cheap, but meaningful, ring be the right choice? Say you once went to a miniature golf course together, and you won her a plastic ring playing skee-ball -- would that be okay? To steal that ring from the "Memory Vault" in her closet and give it to her? Remember, this girl is very rich and has lots of fancy jewelry already.

Answer honestly. Thanks.

-JM

*Not really, but watch Perez Hilton shove that into his lie-blog this week.

[To read more from John Mayer, check out his own blog.  He's also happy to answer any questions you might have for him.] 

An Open Letter To Fat People

Dear Fat People,

Hey guys. So, as one of you already knows, Jessica and I went to see my friend David's blues show at a place called "Hotel Cafe" the other night. It should have been a good time, except for the following problems:

1. The place is called "Hotel Cafe." That's lame -- pick one and roll with it.
2. I kept having to poke Jessica to keep her awake. Embarassing...
3. There was a really sweaty fat guy who wouldn't stop talking to me.

Look, I don't hate fat people, but I hate the fact that fat people are so hard to maneuver around. Normally when a boring fan won't shut up, I can just say, "I gotta..." and then push him aside. However, try doing that with a fat person. It's incredibly difficult and awkward.

So I'm currently preparing a Fat Fan Emergency Kit for the summer tour, complete with limited edition CDs, posters, Pizza Bites, Double Stuff Oreos, Bearclaws, and Cadbury Cream Eggs. If I can't move you guys by force, I'll move you with kindness!

But just so we're clear, this food and merch bribe is so you'll leave me alone. Please don't start following me around just because you know I have Cream Eggs. They're 65 cents at Walgreens -- buy your own!

Thanks,

JM

[To read more from John Mayer, check out his own blog.  He's also happy to answer any questions you might have for him.]

Question: Can a guy do too much to help the world?

Answer: Nope, especially if it's yours truly.

I'm diving head first into another charity event, this time for VH1's Save The Music. They help keep music programs alive in schools. Helping kids is something I'm very passionate about. Children are the future, you know. And it got me thinking -- what if I helped some very special kid out there?

Now, I don't want you people to freak out. There have been some freak-outs lately, so I'm gonna begin this statement with a warning: this blog is just a musing, and not a statement declaring definitive action. No need to alert the gossip rags.

Anyway, it's just a thought, but what if I adopted a kid?

Jessica talks about wanting to adopt someday (she hears that her contemporaries are all picking up kids in Africa and she's like, "me too"), and being a dad would probably be fun. We would play catch in the yard, I'd read to him at night 'til he got sleepy, and he'd be a little me, wanting to carry on my musical blues legacy. I couldn't think of anything more wonderful.

Or would I just get bored with him? I don't know. I like dogs, but this wouldn't really be the same thing.

[To read more from John Mayer, check out his own blog.  He's also happy to answer any questions you might have for him.]

The US policy towards Iran:

"The United States will take no action that extends legitimacy to the ayatollahs in Iran."

My policy towards TMZ:

"John Mayer will take no action that extends legitimacy to the lie-peddlers at TMZ."

However, hypothetically, if someone were to describe me as "[Jessica Simpson's] troublingly-tressed borefriend," I would respond with the following list of things that are interesting about me:

1. I'm a world famous blues guitarist and songsmith.
2. I have a legion of adoring fans.
3. I've won important awards, earned gold records, and even asshole music critics can't help but love me.
4. I'm a dynamic human being.
5. I'm dating one of the prettiest women of all-time.
6. I could buy and sell websites like TMZ fifty times over, I can only assume.
7. I excel at different types of art, including comedy and birdhouse creation.
8. I tell the truth, which is an interesting trait in a world of liars (hint: I'm talking about you, TMZ).

Frankly, gossip rags are starting to bore me. Also, my tresses are just fine, thank you.

-JM