Nov 16, 2006

If I Farted...

O.J. Simpson’s new book If I Did It, in which the former football star explains how he would have murdered his wife if he was in fact guilty, is paving the way for dozens of copy cat writers.  Here is an excerpt from eleven year old Tommy Anderson’s book If I Farted…

Now I’m not saying that it was me who farted during Miss Slauski’s fifth period art class.  It wasn’t me who let go of a ten second butt burp that sounded like two pieces of wet roast beef being slapped together back and forth.  And it certainly wasn’t me who left, wafting in the air, a scent of rotten egg salad so foul it overpowered the noxious fumes of the acrylic paints we were using that day and caused Becky Myers to throw up a little bit in her mouth.  But if it was me…

If it was me, I would have just gotten out of fourth period lunch, a lunch consisting of a Lunchables Extra Cheesy Pizza and a Strawberry Quick juice box.  I don’t know if my mother was just being careless that day or she was actually conspiring to humiliate me but either way her actions were unforgivable.  Lunchables and Quick?  Both dangerous fart catalysts in their own right but when combined… deadly.
As I filed into the room with the rest of my classmates I tried to ignore the witches cauldron that was brewing in my bowls.  I attempted to engage myself in a conversation with Collin Summers regarding last Saturday’s episode of Tarantula Buddy but it was to no avail.  I had to expel this fart and I knew I had but one brief moment to do it, when the bell rang at precisely at 1:15 PM.  The high pitched squeal of the class bell would obscure any noise that came from my butt. 

I watched the clock like a lion watches his prey, waiting for my opening.  The small hand seemed to tick by in slow motion.  1:14:57 – 1:14:58 – 1:14:59.  HERE IT WAS HERE WAS MY CHANCE!

I unclenched my anus and… NOTHING!

BRLLLLLLLL….  the bell.  IT RANG before I could do anything!  And then just as it stopped I ripped the most epic, stomach turning, ass blasting fart in the history of St. John’s Middle school.

But of course, that’s how it would have happened had I farted.  Do not consider this an admission of guilt.

Posted by Doc Manhattan under Celebrity Action on Thu: 16-11-06 01:30 PM CDT | 0 Comments | Permalink
 
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