Five Reasons Not to Send Your Kids to Hogwarts

Hogwarts may seem like a lot of fun on the page but in reality it is a terrible school.  It’s like a New York City school where the kids are encouraged to carry guns (wands) and most of their classes are about how to use them effectively.  So to help you all get over your Potter withdrawal let’s look at..

FIVE REASONS YOU SHOULDN’T SEND YOUR KIDS TO HOGWARTS.

1.  They Don’t Stress the Fundamentals – I understand that topics like potion making and divination are crucial to success in the Wizarding World.  But at some point in their lives won’t these kids need to know what two plus two is or how to find Brazil on a map?  Hogwarts doesn’t teach math, science, geography or any other subject you might need to function in the real world.  Wizards love looking down on us Muggles.  But a kid with autism and a GED would probably have an easier time getting a job than someone with a Hogwarts diploma.

2.    They Have Terrorists on Staff – Would you send your kid to a school where the shop teacher had ties to Al-Qaeda?  Then why would you want to send them to Hogwarts?  I love Snape but come on, the guy had a hand in Voldermort’s rise to power; the Wizard World Equivalent of 9-11.  I buy that a terrorist could reform.  I might even believe him when he said he didn’t know the full extent of what he was doing.  But he still helped fly a plane into a damn building.  You couldn’t even get a teaching job in New Orleans with that on your resume.

3.    The Campus Will Murder Them – Seriously, everything on or near the Hogwarts campus is designed to murder little children.  Couldn’t they have cut down the freaking tree that tries to ram you into the ground?  How many students have broken their necks being tossed over the railing on those magical moving stair cases?  And hey, better hope your kid isn’t attending classes during the Tri-Wizard tournament or a teacher may just tie them to the bottom of a lake for the rest of the school’s amusement.  Hogwarts is a Deathtrap from top to bottom.  You’re kids would be safer at Degrassi, where school shootings are an annual event.

4.    Segregation – First day of school your little wizard is going to learn a very important lesson; people need to be categorized and grouped according to their very basic surface traits.  Then for the next seven years they will be encouraged to only fraternize with people from their specific groups and develop deep seeded hatreds for everyone else.  I guess the civil movement rights never hit the Wizarding World or else that Sorting Hat would have been set on fire a long time ago.  Why would you even you want to lump kids together like that in the first place?  I mean, if you had a method of discerning which kids on campus were destined to become evil little jerks then wouldn’t you want to try and separate them, instead of let them all conspire together on how to murder the principal?

5.    It’s Expensive – Tuition is really high and can only be paid in magical gold.

This article appears in this week's LG Newsletter.

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