Fan Fiction's Greatest Hits: Volume #1

Fan Fiction is fascinating to me. How people can be so obsessed with a person/band/TV Show/Movie that they spend time writing short stories about them is beyond me. It takes a special bread of human to be that crazy -- and crazy is just the word that describes most Fan Fiction. I'm by no means an expert, but most of the Fan Fiction I've been finding lately seems like it's been written by people who are just drunk, mad or both.

Here's a crop of the craziest that I've been finding. If I don't get disgusted by all this anytime soon, this might become a regular feature.

The first I'll share with you is called The Love That Never Dies about that adorkable band we all love, Hanson. It involves a fan who loves Zac (the little drummer) and a murder. Here's an exerpt:

"Hello," I [girl who loves Zac] said, grinning at him.

"You, you, you killed her!" [Zac] said, his eyes wide with horror.

"Yes, Zac," I said walking towards him. "She was blocking my way. You'd never love me with her around."

Why he didn't move, I had no idea. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was sorrow. Whatever it was would cost him his life. Raising the knife, I spoke again.

"You were always my favorite Hanson, Zac, and I am madly in love with you. But you'll never love me back, and so, you must die as well."

With that, I drove the knife into his neck. He let out a shrill cry before he started choking. I pulled out the knife. He grasped his neck and tried to run, but I tripped him and he came crashing down to the ground. I watched as he choked on his blood, writhering and coughing. I felt sorrow for his suffering. I needed to stop it.

I lifted the knife and said, "Goodbye, Zac."

With that, I slammed the knife down as hard as I could into his scull. His body became still. Blood oozed from his head as I let go of the knife. I wiped my hands on the edge of his shirt.

Now that my deed was done, it was time to put into action the second part of my plan. Making tears form in my eyes, I let out a loud, horrified, emotional scream.

Wow. If that's note same Grade A, Stephen King-type  mastery of fiction I don't know what is. Pure genius, and pure craziness.  I thought all Hanson fans were, like, religious or something. Not serial killers.

Fan Fiction for Fall Out Boy seems to be just as outrageous...there's lots of it. Maybe it's because Emo Kids love to write? Who knows. The only thing I know is that a lot of the stories for Fall Out Boy are just plain gay...not gay in the lame way...but Gay as in Homosexual.

This one's called, A New Side of Patrick. Writer's summary of the story:

"Pete and his boyfriend have just broken up. Now Pete is going after his one true love, Patrick. But Patrack is straight and has a girlfriend, doesn't he?" 

Oh the drama!

I guess this is from the perspective of Pete Wentz, who is now going out with Ashlee Simpson.

I sat on my front porch after breaking up with my boyfriend. I watched as Andy and Joe played some board game on the grass. Patrick in the meantime had a girl next to him and was playing "Grand Theft Autumn" on his guitar. Forget the fact that I love him and want him to say "you need him, I could be him" to me, but who the fuck is the girl. I got my answer and quick.He planted a kiss on his cheek and she giggled. Damnit, I didn't know he had a girlfriend! I knew he wasn't into guys by how we all called boys hot and he would just shy off. Damnit, this sucks major balls. 

You can tell this writer is of the highest quality. He contintues:

"What do you want Patrick, come to break my heart some more? Don't you belong with that girlfriend of yours?" I asked the tear's streaming down my face from my brown eyes. Patrick's blue eyes were filled with confusion. "Girlfriend? Oh you mean Aleigha. That's my cousin Peter! I may be bi but I don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend for that matter." Patrick answered me while raising his voice just a bit.

Whoa, back up did he just say he was bi and single? Does this mean I have a chance? Should I tell him? If I don't I'll never know if he feels the same, well here it goes.

"Patrick I um love you" 

Yay! Pete Wentz has a chance! Emo Boy is spilling his feelings!  

We locked lips again and fell backwards onto the bed. I forced my tongue into his mouth and I felt him moan into my mouth. I also felt his erection brushing against mine. I broke off and looked up at him. He smiled and pulled off my shirt. I was shocked was he drunk? Or was this just how he was when he loved someone, a lot. 

I'm just going to stop here, because I'm sure you can guess where all this is going. Emo Erections are just too much for me to continue. But instead of stopping here, I'm gonna give you one more before I run to the toilet and vomit.

Ladies & Gentleman, this the story of Pee Wee Herman & Darchelle. According to an earlier Pee Wee story in this series, Darchelle is a Russian prostitute.  Why she doesn't have a Russian name I have no idea. Here we go:

A few hours later they arrived at Pee-wee's apartment.

"Pee-wee..."

"Yeah, Darchelle?"

"Sorry about earlier.. I'm not in my right mind.. I'm bipolar, so yeah..."

"Oh. It's okay.," said Pee-wee, opening the door and walking in with Darchelle.

Pee-wee walked into the bathroom. "Make yourself comfortable, Darchelle..," he said, closing the bathroom door.

Darchelle walked into Pee-wee's room and stripped down into her see through lace bra, and see through lace thong panties and layed on the bed. "Oh, trust me, Pee-wee... I am comfortable..."

Pee-wee walked in and was shocked by the lovely sight he saw. "Woah.. Darchelle... you look... just sexy!"

"Thanks.," said Darchelle, getting up and walking over to Pee-wee.

They gazed into each other's eyes passionately, falling so deep into love with each other.

"You are so damn beautiful.," said Pee-wee, pulling Darchelle close.

"So are you...," said Darchelle, grabbing Pee-wee's hand and dragging him to the bed.

They kissed passionately and Pee-wee gently pushed Darchelle onto the bed. He crawled on top of her, kissing her, and undid her bra with one hand. Meanwhile, she undid his pants and slid them down.

Things were getting hotter, but then Pee-wee backed off of Darchelle.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Pee-wee, I'm a prostitute... I'm no stranger to getting f**ked."

"Okay, good.. get on your hands and knees..."

And so we know where that one's going. Just a warning: this gets very, very, very, very graphic. I know Pee Wee was arrested for beating it in a movie theater, but damn. Imagining Pee Wee doing all these things just makes me want to wash myself with Unicorns. 

Speaking of Unicorns, may I?