Best of The (Golden) Globes

Wow. What a night. I've was up all evening thinking of the Globes and what they mean to American Television and Film. What they mean to me, personally, as just a regular dude working in this crazy town called Hollywood.  Where you sizzle and then you fizzle, and the next day you're forgotten.

I heard an interesting fact the other day (or last year; my mind is beginning to deteroriorate), and the fact is this: 10,000 people move to Los Angeles every single day. That's a lot of unemployed actors working at Starbucks. All off these actors want the same thing. They all want an award, hopefully a Golden Globe...preferably an Oscar. But mostly they'll accept just whoring themselves out to some producer for the chance of being let into Hyde Lounge, which is fine considering the talented among the talentless would rather be bumping butts with a skeevy movie exec than appearing in some of the horrible movies made this year (I think we all would).

But now I'm getting away from the point of this post, which is The Globes. No, most of you who watched the Globes didn't care about who actually won. All the winners were fine I guess, except for Babel, whose win made absolutely no sense. Borat was funny. Beatty was absolutely awkward. Publicly decomposing in front of millions of people during Prime Time is usually awkward, unless you're Jack Nicholson. Sunglasses hide a lot.

Here are the winners and losers from last night...

What did I tell you about Ivanka Trump's boobs? Yes, they're ginormous. Yes they're fake. Awesomely fake.  

The Award for Non Existent Boobs goes to Ashley Olsen. So does the Award for Best Impression of a Raccoon face, as well as Best Clown Makeup.

The Award for Best Post Pregnancy Boobage goes to Courtney Cox. Sorry Heidi Klum, maybe next year. 

The Award for Weirdest Use of Pancakes goes to Teri Hatcher.  

She's big, she's black and you're never gonna forget her voice boobs.  Effie, we love you.

The Award for Greatest Use of Assets At Any Awards Show Ever goes to Salma Hayek.