STARTING OVER AT DAY ONE

I'm counting from zero again. The zero. Is that me? Am I a zero? I am a zero.Intoxicated by the madness. Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is Godliness and God is empty, just like me.

I need some advice from you guys. I need some help. I'm stuck here and I don't know where to go. What should I do next? If you were me, what would you do right now? Where would you go?

I've been spinning for such a long time. But spinning in the same place, going nowhere. I know where I am. I know that people like me. People tell me I'm a big deal, but I feel nothing. I just feel empty, thoughtless and so damn tired. The spinning doesn't feel like it's going to stop any time soon.

I don't feel like killing myself...but I'm not gonna lie.. I've thought about it before and it justs seems so easy.

I need a change. I need something to happen. I'm asking for your help:

If you were in my position right now, what would you do?

RUMORS OF MY RELAPSE ARE HIGHLY EXAGGERATED

Not my best moment for sure. And what's up with my little pig nose????

Trying to get some sleep...will post more tonight after I git rid of my shakes....

This Is What Beautiful Looks Like to Me

Ally Sheedy looks amazing these days! Why, it was only a few years ago that she looked like that fatass in this photo.

Look how much weight she's dropped! It's like she's almost a total hottie these days! I do think she could just loose just a couple more pounds in the face and arms, and then she'll look just perfect. Just perfect!

Girls, I know it's the middle of summer...but you only have a few more weeks to make those bones show and finally get the guy of your dreams.  Nobody wants to bang a fatty -- trust me. Since being out of rehab I've only had like 12 one-night stands. Such a low number for this time of the summer.

Who's iPhone Do I Have to Stuff Up My Freckled Vagina to Get Some Cocaine Around Here?

Dear Friends & Family Who Know I'm Out Of Rehab,

I get it. I went to rehab. I get that I'm not supposed to be doing drugs or drinking or engaging random sex. But do you all really have to look at me that way?

Ever since I've been home people -- mostly my friends, families, and agents -- have been looking at me weirdly. Everything I do, they're looking at me...asking me things...constatly. I get up in the middle of the night to take a crap. Are you alright they ask?

I start to shiver because I'm a little cold and my friend asks if I need to go to the hospital.

I get my period the other day and my little sister asks whether I need to go to rehab again because I took an IBprophren (spppp?).

I go to sleep just a little to late and wake up even later --- my agent is making my iPhone convulse.

People -- I'm fine. Take off the kid gloves...really. I love you all (except my ahole sluthole motherfudger Dina), but i'm gonna do fine on my own.

In other news, I want to smoke crack.

JUST KIDDING!!!!!

It's the cocaine that I want. I want it for reaaaaaaaals. Like now. Like bad. I'm thinking of it right now. As I type this. I can hardly type. Each letter I type looks like a line of coke that's getting longer and longer. And it's making me want more. If I delete anything it only  makes me want it more.

It's weird. I'm out of rehab for less then a week and I want to do more drugs. I said it was over. I worked out every day. I tried really hard, I really did. But there's this voice I hear, it's in my head. It tells me things. It whispers things, and it won't go away. It tells me to do things. Bad things. Things like drugs, alcohol and stupid stupid sex. It tells me to barf on demand, look good in this bikini and that bikini. Blog. it makes me write this stupid blog and for what? So that when I die you all are laughing at me for what I wrote? So when you read this you can decode this whole thing and say, "See, it's all there. She had a death wish." Maybe, just maybe you're correct.

And I know my rehab counselor is going to kill from writing this. But i have to be honest. I'm not on drugs right now, and I'm probably not going to be on them tonight.

But damn, I still want drugs bad. Will this feeling ever go awayyyyyyyyyyyyyy?