I am so not a coke whore!!!!

In between my Pilates class and a tricycle stroll in Malibu this morning I heard reports that my toxicology reports came back from the place and there have been traces of cocaine in my bloodstream.

I want to set the record straight: Like Paris Hilton, who finally admitted to never taking drugs in her life, I too have never taken drugs. I've never seen a joint. I've never snorted blow off Aaron Carter's penis.

I have been living a lie.

I used to think it was cool to tell people I like shoving cocaine up my nose and vagina. But no, it's not cool. Drugs are bad. They're bad stuff.

And why am I in rehab if I've never used drugs?

Because I'm doing research for a movie i want to make about what's it's like to be famous in Hollywood. Plus, I like being by the beach.

"But Lindsay" you're probably saying, "What about all that blow the cops found in your car?"

It's wasn't mine, plane and simple. It must have been my mexican gardner. I'm sending him back to Mexico.

And the toxicology report that came back saying cocaine was in my blood? More research for the movie. If blowjobs don't count as sex, then putting cocaine inside your nose for a movie isn't really "doing cocaine."

Later sluts,

Love & Laxatives

LL

LIFE'S A BEACH!

Yesterday afternoon was a lot of fun for a change. The idiots here actually let us leave rehab and go to the beach. I love Promises! You pay them lots of money and they let you do whatever you want!

People were totally cool to me while I was at the beach. They were wishing me well and everything, and not asking for too many autographs. One thing that people doing realize about being a celebrity: signing autographs is like the biggest pain in the ASS! Usually the people asking for them are annoying tourists (and lots of fat little girls). Nobody that's actually FROM LA would ever ask a celeb for an autograph, so usually it's not that bad. But we were at the beach so, ya know. TOURIST CITY!



Speaking of fatass, damn I gotta cut down on the carbs. Look at my stomach! BRRRRRRRRRR!

My gut is HUGE!!!!!

Paris Hilton is My Hero

They want you to eat a lot when you're in rehab. It sucks. That's why you've probably seen so many photos of me working out while i'm here. It's not that Promises has crappy food -- I'm paying like 25K a month to attend this place they better have some good food -- but the majority of the stuff is just carbs. Bread this, pasta that. How is a girl suppose to stay anorexic when she's in rehab these days?

I saw this story today that Paris wasn't eating when she went to back to lynnwood.

Paris’ weight has fallen from 110lbs to 100lbs after she was sent back to jail in Lynwood, Los Angeles, for flouting a driving ban.

One insider said: “After she was transferred back, Paris refused to eat.

“Staff became worried as she seems very thin with her bones poking out. She was also very weak and lethargic.

“They threatened to put her on an intravenous drip to rehydrate her and give her some nourishment unless she started eating.

Her bones were poking out? That's kinda hot. I've been trying to make my bones poke out since I started losing weight last year. When guys see bones poping out of your skin, it makes them want to do you. At least that's what Mary-Kate Olsen told me. And look how many people want to bang Paris?

Here's a recent pic of me chillin in the Promises back yard in Malibu. My bones are looking damn good.

Promises Rehab Is A Joke

Yes, it's true. Promises is a joke. I tell this to all my counselors here and all they do is shake their head. They're in denial. They think they're going to save me. They think that I'll stop drinking as soon as I'm out of here. They think that I won 't snort coke off a urinal or start making out with random chicks when I go to the clubs.

The people here, they make me want to vomit and laugh at the same time.

Take a look at my schedule here.

7AM: Wake Up
7:30AM: Morning Meditation
8AM: Breakfast
9AM: Gym/Acupuncture
11AM: Meeting No. 1
Noon: Lunch
1:30PM: Yoga
3:30PM: Meeting No. 2
5PM: Dinner
6:30PM: Meeting No. 3
9:30PM: Wrap-Up
Midnight: Bedtime

This place is more a spa than a place to treat heroin addicts. I don't know whether to meditate or cry. Let's take a look at all the people who have been here in the past:

• Britney Spears
• Ben Affleck
• Robert Downey Jr.
• Selma Blair
• Matthew Perry
• Charlie Sheen
• Yasmine Bleeth

These are probably the saddest excuses for celebrities I've ever seen in my entire life. What have become of these people? They are all losers now, especially Ben Affleck, who pretends to be all fatherly and crap with his new wife and kid. Give me a break. I bet he plays beer pong with his kid. Rehab hasn't help these people and it sure isn't going to help me.

I am so damn bored I just want to stick a fork in my eye.

You Can't Break Me If I'm Not Broken

The people here, they want to change me. They keep on telling me that I'm a drugg addict. They keep on telling me I'm an alcoholic. They keep on just telling me, telling me, telling me. Can't they just shut up for one second and worry about themselves.

You want to know what a drug addict looks like? Here:

DEAR REHAB COUNCELORS: DO I LOOK LIKE CRACKHEAD PETE DOHERTY TO YOU?

NO?

I DIDN'T THINK SO. CRACKHEADS DON'T LOOK LIKE THIS:

Do you get it people? Drug addicts don't look like me. I said it before, I've said it again: look at my life. look at my movies. check how much money i have in the bank: if I was a drug addict or alcoholic i wouldn't have any of these things. and even if I do snort lots of cocaine, it obviously isn't doing anything to me? look at what i've done at such a young age.

Sure I crashed my car. Sure they found drugs. Sure I could have killed someone.

But in the short time you were reading this, the risiduals i've made from my TV shows on Disney, all my movies, all my clothing lines -- all my everything -- have totallyed $10,000.

Yeah, I made a fortune today. What did you do?