THE EMACIATION PROCLAMATION TEXT

Since some of you have asked for a non-JPEG form of my historial Emaciation Proclamation, here it is in it's entirety. It took more about three months to write this.

The Emaciation Proclamation
By
Lindsay Lohan

Whereas, on the twentieth day of May, in the year of our Lord two thousand and five, a proclamation was issued by the Queen of Anorexics, Lindsay Lohan, containing, among other things, the following, to wit:

“My friends, as you all know I have been going through some physical changes to make myself more beautiful, just like one of my drug dealers, Nicole Ritchie. For the last few months I have barely eaten a thing, save the occasional Starbucks Venti Soy Latte or the mini-throw ups that I swallow as I am trying to make myself puke into the toilet. Just like my singing or acting, sticking your finger down your throat is an art.

It’s not that hard to loose weight. I should know. At 5’5” and 130lbs I was a major fat ass. But not anymore. For the last several weeks I have kept my weight just below a hundred pounds, and besides my yellow skin, fried hair and decaying teeth, I feel damn good. No, I feel GREAT.

After I saw how good the first cut was of my new movie Herbie: Fully Loaded, I quickly realized that I have an important role to fill in this society. Girls look up to me.

I, Lindsay Lohan, am a role model for fat chicks.

I feel 100% comfortable with this responsibility. I accept it with open arms and a fist full of laxatives.

So with the greatest sense of purpose and resolve, I have written what I call The Emaciation Proclamation – and edict of sorts that fat girls around the world should recite if they want to look as skinny and beautiful as me. It states as follows:

I, (insert name), proclaim that I am a fat ass and will do anything in my power to some day look as emaciated as Lindsay Lohan.

I will not eat unless I am staring Death in the face.

I will snort anything that I can cut with a credit card.

I will sacrifice my big breasts for the greater good of a small waistline.

I will workout and then I will WORKOUT, MOTHERF**KER!

The calories in my sex partners’ “Protein Shakes” are not to be counted.

Now, therefore I, Lindsay Lohan, Queen of Anorexics, by virtue of the power in me vested by the great country of Hollywood, proclaim that I will do anything – ANYTHING, BITCHES! --- to make sure that all the fat American girls take one look at me and say to themselves:

“I want to be an Anorexic, too!”

Love & Laxatives,

L. LO

THIS IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL

Every time I sunbath I am reminded of how fat I am. Do any of you girls feel the same way? I take off my shirt and try to look at my toes...but I can't. All I can see are the giant obese fat rolls that make me look like a whale. I am nobody. I am bad. I am pathetic. If it were my choice I'd take a razorblade and cut the fat from my body. Maybe I'd bleed to death, but at least I'd be 4 quarts lighter.

MY SHADY UNCLE

I'd like to introduce a new shady family member to you all, my dear uncle.

Paul Sullivan, the 47-year-old brother of the young actress' mom, was busted at his Long Island home yesterday morning for alleged mail fraud — involving funds earmarked for 9/11 disaster relief.

Sullivan — who has publicly blasted Lohan's disgraced dad in the past for abusive behavior toward the family — essentially siphoned off nearly $132,000 in checks slated to go to creditors, charged inspectors for the U.S. Postal Service and Small Business Administration.

Why is my family full of douche bags? Isn't it enough that my father is a dead beat. Now my uncle? Ripping off 9/11 victims? Now that is low class. That bastard never gave me more than a 5 dollar gift certificate from McDonalds when I was little so it's little wonder his broke ass would have to resort to stealing from dead people Sheesh.

Oh yeah. My new movie comes out this weekend! Yay!

Love & Laxatives,

L.LO

THE TODAY SHOW

Hiya! Did you all catch me on The Today Show today!!!@!!@ I can't believe how big my gut looked. Everybody knows the televsion puts on, like, 20lbs. I felt like a MAJOR fatass. Anywho...

I know you're all looking forward to my movie, Herbie Fully Loaded. Just so you know, the movie was show before I became Dietarily Enlightened. Now when I wake up, I recite my Emaciation Proclamation and the Thin Commandmends and everything is fine. Thank Jesus I have my words.

Speaking of religion...What's the deal with Scientology? Do any of you know anything about it? Katie and Tom are making such a big deal about it that I cannot help but learn about it. I tried that whole Kabbalah shebang awhile ago but din't like that whol red-string around your wrist thing. Us Ana-Girls (Anorexic Girls for those of you not in the know) already have something like that. Those Kabbalahists should get a life.

Okay, the promotional tour must continue!

Love and Laxatives,

L.LO

AN ODE TO FATTY

This is something I wrote the other night at 2:45 AM:

I stay awake at night and look at my fat stomach,
I cry, I scream, and I run to the fridge to get some icecream.
I cannot stop,
I cannot bleed,
I have no feelings left inside of me.
Hounded by the paparrazzzizi, I run and run and run,
But still I'm a little fatty.
No fun, no fun.
So I stay awake at night to write to you:
my muse, my stomach,
So I don't have to drag the razor blades across my legs,
But I like that feeling, the blood, the pain,
It makes me feel real:
like an aborted uterus I find on the street while grabbing the newspaper.
I don't know why I feel the need to starve myself or puke my brains out
Something to do with my dad? Something to do with fame?
Surely the cocowhite nose candy can't be to blame.

When the doves flew out of Santa Barbara the other day,
I felt the world was begun anew and gay,
But no.
The world's still the same.
Another day, another gag,
another run to the toilet,

I'll say I'm on the rag.

MJ VERDICT SOON

OMG! There's gonna be a verdict in the Michael Jackson case. I'm saying a prayer for him and so should you.

Love & Laxatives,

L.Lo

P.S. I sometimes look at Michael Jackson's face when I want to barf.

UPDATE: YEAH!!!! NOT GUILTY! Another victory for Hollywood. The sad part about this, Michael might gain more weight because he feels so releaved!

JESSICA AND ASHLEY SIMPSON AREN'T ALLOWED TO READ THIS

If your name is either Jessica or Ashley Simpson you are not allowed to read this blog. Get out now. Leave. I ain't f'ing around. I got spies on the internet and my spies will track you down and slit your throat. Try me.

You two are so yesterday's news. Ashley, your reality show sucked and so does your music. Was that even you on the show? Was that your voice? Are you sure you didn't have a voice actress behind the scenes dubbing your voice? I don't believe you really acted during that show. Maybe you were using a back-up audio tape. You hillbilly, jig-dancing, Wilmer-stealing slut. Sure your boobs might be huge but they make you look fat. And slice off your nose while your at it and feed it to your sister.

Jessica, you're no better. Back in the day, I had boobs too -- but now I look f'ing fabulous and you're just fat. When your dad is done molesting you with his eyes, give me a call and I'll put you on the Get Rid of Your Boobs fast-track diet, you Jackass-banging ho. I hope Nick leaves you for me. I heard BoyBand members like girls with less curves. If a she-boy is who he wants, a she-boy he will get.

Love and Laxatives,

L.LO

The last one for tonight...

this thing sucks!

Hi! I'm listening Lindsay Lohan, podcasting from my Swarovski crystal-encrusted T-Mobile Sidekick. Hear about my life from the road as I party, puke and shake my ass like a looter in a riot.

HOW I BECAME SKINNY

Okay, I didn't really want to share this with you beacuse it's kinda like my secret sauce. It's how I lost all my weight. Cocaine and Laxatives were only part of the deal. My Extreme Diet Chamber is the real deal Ally McBeal.

THE PEOPLE WHO FLAME ME IN THE COMMENTS SECTION ARE ALL A BUNCH OF FATASS LOSERS

All you people in the comments section on this blog can kiss my white, emaciated, heroin chic-looking ass. You're all a bunch of broke-ass gossip-columnist wannabes who spend their days leeching off the lives of people more famous and beautiful than you (hint: i'm one of these people you stupid bitches. Yes, E.I Woody DumbD**K -- I'm talking to you and the rest of your E! Network Nancies! You and your obese-stomach-licking paparazzi scumbag friends can chase me on your little motorcycles all you want. At the end of the day I can buy you and your whole family if I wanted to. Try me. I'll trade you my dad.)

Just get real everybody. R.E.A.L. Yes, I'm skinny but you are unreal. And if I can just steal a sentance from one of my spiritual sisters in fighting: You CANNOT HANDLE MY TRUTH. You can't handle my waistline either and the fact that I get to wear what your cankle-ridden ass can't. Let me tell you: it feels damn good to fit into the same clothes you wore when you were 8-months-old. IT FEELS DAMN GOOD, you fatasses.

Anorexia. Bulimia. These are just words. Just words that people throw at me from every angle and I upchuck it right all over your face. I puke your critizism of me and I spit it all over you and your family. I spit it all over your pets and grandparents. I spit on your grave all the graves of those who have nothing better to do than spend money on US Weekly and Star Magazine. I spit all over you.

I wish I were at the top of the Empire State building so that I can throw pennies and split open your brain. I want your blood to trickle all over Time Square so that the cockroaches and Naked Cowboy will lick it up. I want to scoop your brain up with a knish and eat it.

And I promise I won't puke it up.

I'M ALIVE

Wow. I cannot believe my bones didn't crack in half. When you look like a starving ethiopian child like me, you don't expect your body to hold when a car comes crashing into you. But I'm okay. I'm a survivor.

The other morning a car full of paparrazzzzisse (sp?) crashed into the car I was riding in. At first I was thinking of suing their asses, but when one of them started talking about a pill I can shove up my ass to lose more weight, I let them off with a warning. How can you be mean to a guy who shows you how to shove a pill up your ass to lose more weight? I can't. It's impossible. I love to lose weight.

In other news, people are starting to talk sh*t about me and my body in the comments section of this blog? Get a life, people. I have never seen such a sorry bunch of losers in all my life. I mean, for real. Stop picking on those girls who want to look like me. They should look like me. They are fat. I am not. I am rubber you are fat, whatever bounces off of me returns to you in the form of supersaturated lard.

Okay, I'm off to the spa.

Love & Laxatives,

L.LO