Thursday, February 22, 2007
Top 6 Ways To Prepare For My Arrival
With my big tour for the summer just announced, you're probably wondering: what do I need to do before John Mayer invades my city? Good question. Lots of things. On my "rider" (a musical act's contract with a theater/performing space), I demand tons of stuff, from thinly sliced meat to Gold Bond medicated powder to krazy glue. Hey, if a theater owner isn't gonna run out and buy me an organic fruit bowl, he's probably not serious about wanting me to perform there.
So, that's what venue owners have to do. But what about you -- the fans? Well, you guys have got your work cut out for you, ha ha! Here's my list of things you'll need to do, in order to prepare for a John Mayer musiclanche (an avalance of music):
6. Get yourself psyched and ready to see a great concert!
5. 40 bottles of re-purified Desani water.
4. 80 small bottles of Advil Cold and Sinus - 40 drowsy, 40 daytime. Then dump out the drowsy bottles, and put the daytime capsules in them.
3. Wi-Fi, cable internet and DSL hookups for my hotel, bus and backstage. I already have wi-fi on the bus, but I don't care. I want double internet.
2. A version of Monopoly I don't already own. I already have Scooby Doo Monopoly, Hard Rock Cafe Monopoly, and Don't Go To Jail: The Monopoly Dice Game, along with 17 other versions. Good luck, assholes!
1. An ice statue of myself, hugging myself while playing guitar.
Do I need to remind you? No ice sculpture, no show. Now get to work!
With my big tour for the summer just announced, you're probably wondering: what do I need to do before John Mayer invades my city? Good question. Lots of things. On my "rider" (a musical act's contract with a theater/performing space), I demand tons of stuff, from thinly sliced meat to Gold Bond medicated powder to krazy glue. Hey, if a theater owner isn't gonna run out and buy me an organic fruit bowl, he's probably not serious about wanting me to perform there.So, that's what venue owners have to do. But what about you -- the fans? Well, you guys have got your work cut out for you, ha ha! Here's my list of things you'll need to do, in order to prepare for a John Mayer musiclanche (an avalance of music):
6. Get yourself psyched and ready to see a great concert!
5. 40 bottles of re-purified Desani water.
4. 80 small bottles of Advil Cold and Sinus - 40 drowsy, 40 daytime. Then dump out the drowsy bottles, and put the daytime capsules in them.
3. Wi-Fi, cable internet and DSL hookups for my hotel, bus and backstage. I already have wi-fi on the bus, but I don't care. I want double internet.
2. A version of Monopoly I don't already own. I already have Scooby Doo Monopoly, Hard Rock Cafe Monopoly, and Don't Go To Jail: The Monopoly Dice Game, along with 17 other versions. Good luck, assholes!
1. An ice statue of myself, hugging myself while playing guitar.
Do I need to remind you? No ice sculpture, no show. Now get to work!
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I believe that if you need a rider with that many items on it, then YOU are the one who has your work cut out for YOU getting ready for the fanalanche.
no fanalanche = no musiclanche
no fanalanche = no musiclanche
The Gold Bond IS a good idea. Guitar Gods don't scratch their boy parts on stage. If we wanted to see that, we'd stay home and see it for free.
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