We know it's fashionable to make fun of Taylor Lautner, the kid with the six-pack abs from Twilight. But we're not a-holes. We recognize Taylor's genius and that's why we're excited for a new comic book about the Half-Wolf Hero that will be in our sweaty hands come August. Just look at this cover:

The day that this is released is going to be the best day in the world. And this post is totally written without irony.

This weekend Steve Jobs and Gawker blogger Ryan Tate got into a little email fight where one basically accused the other of being an ass and the other responded by basically calling the other guy an ass, all because of nerd reasons that we won't get into right now. The only good little nugget from this email exchange is that Steve Jobs - the guy who makes the machine that you use to wank off on internet porn every night while pretending to watch Jimmy Fallon - is trying to protect your freedoms. Specifically, Freedom from Porn.

(image via topherchris)

Have big boobs? Want to be a total spoil sport and hide them from the world? Then the Cami Secret is for you!

I doubt George Lucas was thinking about sex, while making 'Star Wars.' But, after watching this video, it's hard to be sure.

This just breaking: America's sweatheart, Sandra Shark, has adopted a delicious baby. The baby weighs just 7lbs and is said to contain at least 70% meat, which sharks just love, especially the celebrity kind. This news comes just as Sandra Shark has confirmed to People Magazine her divorce from the head of Facebook's Adolf Hitler Fanclub page, Jessie James. CONGRATS, SANDRA SHARK!

Kristin Cavallari once entered our dreams, held us at gunpoint and threatened to shoot unless we stopped pleasuring ourselves to her photos. Hilariously, we didn't comply with her demands because she was just an illusion with a watergun. Illusions with waterguns aren't scary at all, Kristin. Gawd, you're so stupid.

(via The Superficial)

So the guy who lost the iPhone like a total idiot is obviously either fired or in need of a very long vacation away from Steve Jobs. Well, he's in luck! A very hilarious German beer company  airliner who knows how to play internet sent him this letter, or just uploaded on the internet for free publicity. Whatever the case, we'd so take this trip in a second if we were responsible for giving nerds across the world a boner because they saw an early glimpse of the next iPhone.

You know, there's nothing in the world we'd rather eat first thing in the morning than an Oreo cookie stuffed with about 20 billion Oreo cookies worth of frosty filling. JOKES! Really, we want to vomit. And because we're evil on the inside (not creamy!), we're posting this for you because we want you to vomit, too!

If you want your mom to disown you for awhile, I guess this is the way to do it. THIS DUDE IS OUR HERO.

This guy actually sounds and looks like the happiest man in the universe. There should really be a Puppy hate that you can wear at all times. Like a baseball cap with about 9 or 10 puppies that dangle from it and lick your face. You'd never be angry at the world or depressed. It would solve everything.

We don't care what the haters say about here. Heidi Montag is a near perfect example of what all humans should look like, even dudes. If there were just a bunch of people walking this Earth looking like Heidi Montag this world would just be a better place we think. World peace, no diseases except STDs, etc.

Now, we'll leave it up to you (or this link) to find out whether or not this Scareface School Play is for reals, but regardless, it's just fun to hear kids say MUTHERFUDGER and COCAINE and generally act like the worst people in the entire world (drug dealers!).

It's a sad day for MTV and the world. The Hills is being cancelled. But don't cry because there is still one more season left. Plus, you have all of The Hills parodies we've made over the years. Watch below if you want to piss your pants (yeah, we said it!).

Also, The Hills Go To Paris!

Who knew that Chinese girls can be so scary! We thought it was up to the Japanese to freak the world out, but apparently not! In this video, a young girl stands like a total freakazoid in the entrance of a building and scares the ever-living crap out of people. it's a good hobby, especially in China because that place can be pretty boring sometimes. Even when you're not being scared by creepy girls.

Cats look adorable, but somewhere in your heart of hearts you just know they are one of the most evil animals in the world. In fact, we'd even go so far as to say that cats are generally sneaky bastards who shouldn't be trusted with anything, especially young children. That said, we hope that this small child eventually ripped the heart out of this cat and ate it for dinner.

You know, we've never been a model before (because we're TOO GOOD-LOOKING), but we just know that if our only job in life was to look pretty and walk, we'd perfect the crap out of that. Really.  How hard is it to walk? Looking pretty you're born with, so that's in the bag. Walking - you do that since birth and to do it professionally should only take a few weeks, tops. That's why we don't understand when a model on a TV show fails miserable NOT ONCE but TWICE during her walk down the runway. She even takes a smack in the head by a swinging pendulum (wtf?). IT JUST MAKES US LOSE HOPE IN THE WORLD, YOU GUYS.

Warning! This spider will kill you if you get to close. Just look at this fat lady try and run from it; she doesn't stand a chance. The only way to kill something this big is to throw it a bone or a newspaper. We hear that works pretty well. Or just threaten to take it to the vet. Whatevs, just DON'T GET TO CLOSE.

Why is she important? Because she's wearing a bikini, that's why. These things tend to be the most important thing in the world around here.

(more pics of Titney at TheSuperficial)